Before...

[Wandering]

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I might be able to relax, and stop my thoughts going crazy
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  Pain. And it could hopefully take away a different sort of pain
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  In control. Well it depends if it works
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Hopefully long enough that I can stop fidgeting and get to sleep. Maybe in the morning it will be better
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  Urrrr...stay on the internet til I can't keep my eyes open any more. I've already talked to a friend, killed the punchbag, jogged, sat in a car listening to silence, played with my ratties and had some food.I still feel the same
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  If I SI and it works, I'll get enough sleep, though of course I'll have the physical (slight) pain of the wound. If I don't or it doesn't work, I'll be knackered from getting very little sleep, but I won't have the injury. Emotionally, I'll feel the same either way
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't honestly care

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I was ok in the day, but when it got to about 6pm I started feeling quite low (possibly brought on by it being a long day, and I was having to do a lot of work) Then I watched Dr Who, Casualty and Jekyll, and by the end of Dr Who I was feeling...well...'manic'. Just before, I had been feeling quite detached, which I have been a huge amount this last week or so. Then I couldn't sit without fidgeting, was so tense, mind racing...Sat with G and S for a while, then when they went I had to try do something to deal, because I can't just sit with it.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  A lot recently. I try every escape I can - alcohol, drugs, SI, exercise, food, pain, sleep. I'm not having a lot of success
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  exercised, hit the punchbag, eaten, tried breathing exercises
• How do I feel right now?
  Tense, twitchy, crazy
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Focused
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Hopefully calmer and more relaxed
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I need to go get my meds sorted out, and maybe brave talking to the doctor about maybe having bipolar
• Do I need to hurt myself? No-one ever
  needs to hurt themselves

Comments/observations are very welcome

Andi x

[caged bird]

sounds like you've been trying really hard not to SI, i'm sorry a lot of the stuff you've been doing hasn't worked so far.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Pain. And it could hopefully take away a different sort of pain

is one type of pain better than the other?

i think taling to your Dr about your meds sounds like a really good idea

take care

*k*

[Wandering]

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Pain. And it could hopefully take away a different sort of pain

is one type of pain better than the other?

i think taling to your Dr about your meds sounds like a really good idea

Thanks caged bird

Physical pain I can 'cope' with. Sleep fixes that. Emotional pain I can't cope with, and it stops me being able to sleep - sleep was always my answer when I wanted to SI. So it kinda feels like physical pain is the easier, though maybe not better, option

I really should go back to the doctor

Andi x

[LBC]

It does sound like you're getting to a point where going to the doctor would be a good thing. I know that can be a really scary prospect - but you're trying a lot of things to avoid self-injury, and some of it is just as maladaptive...although you haven't mentioned the frequency of your drug and alcohol use, using those things to get away from uncomfortable emotions is never a good pattern to start (as I'm sure you know).

I hope you're doing a bit better now...