write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i imagine that cutting myself will make me feel happy, but it's not exactly happiness. it will make me feel relaxed and relieved and not sad. i will probably stop thinking about the stuff i don't want to think about and can just relax. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring a solution. at the moment i feel like i have problems with no solutions which is hard to cope with. it will take away the reason i could have for self-pride, if i si i will be taking the 'easy' way. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
in the long run, i don't want to si without thinking first. i think i am running from something, some feeling, but if i don't even identify the feeling then i don't actually know why i am running. it is like the fight/flight response, and i don't want to react without thinking.
hurting myself within a short time of the "i have to si now" thoughts (maybe 10min) will not help me get towards that. i will try and make myself wait and si later only if i know it is (in my own personal logic) a sensible reaction. plus taking that time to think can hopefully make me less likely to si. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief might last a long or short time, i have no idea. a few things i could do to relax/cope after that would be - paint my nails (i did one hand a few hrs ago and really should finish it), play some music that either expresses my frustration or sadness, try and cry? try and make something creative? - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
the things i mentioned above? they feel like very small things, but maybe doing a few one after the other? it could help for the next few hrs i guess. after that, i might watch some comedy shows online, get something to eat, eventually go home. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i si, tomorrow i will probably feel proud of myself, as weird as that sounds. i will feel protected and stronger and i may not like myself very much, but i won't actually *feel* bad about it.
if i don't si i will probably feel the way i do now, sad and hopeless. i might be able to deal with it better though, and i can try and deal with those feelings tonite instead of tomorrow. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i haven't cut much (more than one small cut a time) for a few weeks now. i want blood and violence and pain. i think not having t appts recently (she's been sick the past 2+ weeks), and not si-ing much, have meant there's more 'stuff' to deal with and makes the urges different. not stronger, but different.
i have had stress over my b'day, stress about an exam, stress about su thoughts, anxiety about contacting someone, frustration at not being able to get a good night's sleep for a few nights in a row... lots of things to cope with. things i can't suddenly *fix* and i dealt with or am dealing with them in some ways, but i am not dealing with the feelings that result from this stuff. (because the feelings would be overwhelming, i think?) - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
not really. lots of things on top of each other and emotionally i can cope with one at a time, but not lots. it would probably help if i had made drs appts or seeing a different counsellor to give me somewhere to vent and get advice? - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
for tonight... i've played some sad music/videos, but only played 2 and then thought that si was better than emotions
i've written here. certainly is helping 
"that won't hurt me"... do you mean emotionally as well? would letting out my sadness be bad for me? maybe, yes. i can't not hurt myself, or possibly i don't want to... being perfectly nice to myself almost implies not having negative feelings, and i can't do that. i have to deal with me the way i am, and that generally means allowing myself to be negative/angry/whatever as a way of coping. i can't just turn off these feelings. (blah, i'm not sure if that was pointless, but i will leave it here and move to the next q.) - How do I feel right now?
sad.
that word jumped out of my head (why am i writing about my answers, instead of just answering and moving on?!
)... and i *know* i feel sad. i actually physically feel it, rather than labelling the thoughts and actions with a feeling... i can imagine myself curled up tight, sitting on the floor. i know i will cry in a little while. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
calm, perfect, strong, powerful. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
afterwards - numb, sleepy, hazy, amused.
tomorrow - proud, unmotivated, independent. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
what, life? wouldn't i love to avoid it! i probably am dealing with it in a pretty good way already. occasional si is a way of keeping myself going. - Do I need to hurt myself?
not now? maybe later, but i have an idea of what i will do first (let myself feel, then try and keep myself dstracted, entertained and calm)...
