Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it won't, I'll be distracted I'll feel like I have punished myself for being a jerk, I'll reinforce how I'm feeling - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring validation that I'm a bad person. It will let me get rid of some of my anger and hurt - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to have faith in myself, I want to trust myself and that I make my own decisions and other people make theirs. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I do the best I can and that is enough.
It will bring me farther from these - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know how long it will last, I keep thinking of the last time I had- it was odd, I wasn't triggered at all by lots of really tough things it was like one big release and I felt wonderful, and happy. Usually it only lasts a day maybe, more like just get me through the night- trying to think of that more. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I don't know- I want to let this feeling go, I want to get rid of it. I'm going to try to read, but each time I pick up the book I try checking to see if I find out if I really did screw everything up. I want to yell or at least cry but I can't- it's late and I don't want anyone to hear me. It's still not something that would make a lasting change I don't think- maybe tomorrow I could hike and get away from everything. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel worse in a way but better if I hurt myself- more worse though. I don't know bout the reading, hopefully I'd at least get sleep and that could help me feel more together and maybe think clearer - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I told b's new gf what I thought of b and why I broke up with him- he insisted on me talking to him, then to her, I told him I wasn't going to say nice things at all. He insisted and I gave in- I should have just ignored him. Now she says shes leaving him, I tried to tell her she needs to make her own choice- I feel bad about that too because it's like part of me wants them to stay together because then I don't have to be afraid of him, the other part of me really wants her to make her own choice and not just leave because of how he treated me.
I don't like causing problems, I hate giving in to pressure, - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Generically sure- I've felt like I have caused problems before, specifically no- this became really complicated really fast- it's like a no win situation I've created- if she goes, it's my fault; if she stays- is it because I talked her into staying because I don't want him coming after me. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I took a hot shower, I wrote this.
(it happened yesterday) I slept. I tried to be around people at work, but it just made me feel worse. I've been trying to tell myself she is making her own choices- she didn't have to talk to me, he could have taken all my messages of leave me alone and not hounded me and make me feel like the bad guy/ horrible mean person who won't even talk to him. - How do I feel right now?
mean, horrible, worthless, like a jerk, sad, pathetic, hopeless, - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
sad, not much else, distracted- I would be more watching myself than feeling much at all, but relieved - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
tomorrow morning I would feel discouraged, I would have let myself down - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can sign off when I see a message from him, I can tell my mom they make their own choices (and try to believe it- I've told her before but she still tells me of this stuff) - Do I need to hurt myself?
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.
