Guilt, stress and anger *SU* *possible SI trigs*

[Silver_Kitsune]

I'm trying to sort through my emotions right now, so please bear with me.

It's taking a lot of courage for me to post this, but I just want someone's help. Last week, I tried to commit suicide. Long story short, I realized it wasn't going to work when I was about half-way through with my plan. I was trying to tell myself to be gentle with myself, particularly my wrists, which were the places that came out the most damages. I cleaned up the cuts on my wrists to the best of my ability, but there's so nasty scars forming. But it's not the scars I'm worried about.

About a day after my attempt, I attempted suicide on Saturday, I called my boyfriend, but didn't tell him about my attempt. I stayed on the phone with him for a few hours, just trying to get myself to enjoy the random converesations between us. Even though my wrists still hurt, I managed to ignore it until I got off the phone.

Then on Monday, it was time for another week of school. Actually, second to last week. Anyway, I wore two of those wrist band things to hide the cuts. My boyfriend rides my school bus, and he knew something was up when he grabbed my wrist gently, but since my wrists were still sore, I tried to jerk it away. I didn't even struggle as he lifted up the wristbands so he could see, but I was really ashamed of myself, so I looked away from him. I was expecting a really mean remark, but he looked me in the eye and told me was that he didn't want to see me hurt anymore. He didn't ask why, and he didn't keep asking questions throughout the day, which I was really thankful for.

Now I just feel really guilty, stressed and angry at myself, like the title suggests. I know I hurt him whenever I cut, but I can't get myself to stop. It seems like no matter what I try, it doesn't work at all. I'll get so far only to blow it all on something really stupid. I never learn my lesson from it, and it makes me really angry because I should learn my lesson, but I don't. And it makes me angry because I'm the one that's causing him pain, but I don't want to cause him any at all, because I love him and he's done more for me than he realizes.

Now it's the last week of school, I'm wearing long sleeves and hoodies in 90 degree weather, sweating all day just because of something stupid I did. I'm really stressed because of all of the finals and it looks like I'm not going to pass history or gym, and if I don't pass those, I'll have to take 4 gym classes a week next year and get my parents to pay $100 for summer school because of history. My history finals tomorrow and I'm flipping out about it, I can't sleep even though it's almost 30 minutes past midnight here, and I know I should be sleeping. It's just giving me a huge migraine.

So, does anyone give me some advice on how they deal with their guilt, stress, or anger? I'm really running out of ideas on how to cope because nothing seems to work for me.

[kreaTure333]

Something to keep in mind for yourself, what's done is done. No matter how much you fret or worry, or ponder what could have been done or avoided, things will still be the same. I don't remember where I heard this but it's stayed with me for a while. Guilt is the most nonessential emotion that human beings carry within them. In situations like this, you have to remind yourself that being guilty and angry with yourself will not change your situation. It will only make things more difficult. It's not easy, and it takes some time, but you need to learn to let it go. Focus more on what you need to do to avoid getting in this kind of situation again. Take things step by step. You obviously have a very caring and concerned boyfriend. Use his support to keep yourself going. As for the stress, I'm afraid school will be forever associated with and saturated in stress. Keep your chin up, only another two weeks right? Just take things one step at a time. I wish you the best, and I hope this helps...a little at least.

[Silver_Kitsune]

Thanks for the quick reply, kreaTure! I managed to grab a few hours sleep last night after I got off bus, but I'm beginning to feel a little stressed. My history teacher said we could write some information from our study guides on a 3x5 notecard we could use during the final, and it really relieved some stress when I heard her say that. I'm just stressing out because of chrous, and the fact that I have no way of studying for that beforehand. When it comes to taking any kind of test, I just get so much stress that I start to break down a little bit.

I need to remember those words, "What's done is done." I can never remember them when I need them, but whenever I don't need them, I remember them. I really need to let go, even though 4 years ago when my first suicide attempt was made, I'm trying to let go. I forgave myself for SI-ing, but I can't forgive myself for suicide attempts for some reason. I guess I have to accept the fact that I tried to commit suicide, just like I accepted the fact that I do SI.

[Licentia Poetica]

I agree, what's done is done and you feeling guilty is only going to worsen a bad situation.

If you're feeling that actively suicidal you should really seek some help. Have you got a counsellor or a therapist in whom you can confide?

Please keep yourself safe honey.

[Silver_Kitsune]

Nope, I don't have a counsellor or therapist. I don't have any medication for depression because I've been too afraid to get help from most people. As soon as I would be about ready to tell them, I'd just get all nervous and change the subject.

Luckily, my suicidal feelings got a little bit better after the school day ended. But just in case something would happen tonight to trigger them, I made my razor and my pair of scissors inaccessible to me. The thing is I don't know when my suicidal feelings are going to flare back up, and that scares me sometimes. Luckily, my friends are home tonight, so I have a backup plan in case something happens.

[Licentia Poetica]

Nope, I don't have a counsellor or therapist. I don't have any medication for depression because I've been too afraid to get help from most people. As soon as I would be about ready to tell them, I'd just get all nervous and change the subject.

*nods* I felt like that for years. But in retrospect it really isn't as scary as it seems. I wish I had gotten help a lot early than I did.

See.. depression and suicidality don't just go away. It's an illness like any other and you deserve and need help for it. Plus the earlier you do reach out to someone, the less chance it will mess with your life in the future such as stopping you learning social skills and developing your identity as you grow up.

The way I did it is.. I went to my school counsellor to suss her out and I said "hi, I have a friend who has been feeling really depressed.. etc etc". And I found that she was really nice and seemed trustworthy. Then I went back a week later and said I was actually talking about myself. She helped me open up really slowly about everything.

Don't disregard help, because you don't deserve to be feeling so badly.

And keep reaching out to BUS

[Silver_Kitsune]

The only thing that's wrong with seeing the school's counsellor is that tomorrow's the last day of school. I've talked to the guidance counsellor before because I was being bullied by a lot of people, and she's really nice and gives good advice. I just get so nervous though, talking to a counsellor for whatever reason. I just have a hard time talking about my problems, literally. I have to actually write them about because it's the only way I can explain, and I don't feel comfortable around a counsellor writing my every thought.

Things seemed to be looking up, though. For some reason, my mood will be horrible one day and then a little bit better the next. I just don't know how to know if my identity's my true one or not, though. It feels right, but it just doesn't fit sometimes. It's like, it's me, but it's not at the same time. I can't explain it.

Does anyone have any advice on how they cope with nervousness, because I have a final tomorrow and if I don't pretty much ace it, I fail for the year. It's really bothering me, and I've tried a lot of things in another thread here on the coping forum, but none of it seems to work.

One more thing, does anyone know who else I can reach out to besides the school counsellor? I really don't trust my parents at all because I've been fighting with them about everything from what's for dinner to my class rank at school. I don't want my best friend to know that I'm SI-ing again because she thinks I stopped, but I really didn't. She's really happy right now, and I don't want to ruin it for her. My parents don't have the money to get me meds or see a counsellor (my mom's on meds for depression, so I'm beginning to think it's a genetic thing). I'm due to the doctor's in about a month, so does anyone think I should tell my doctor? I just switched to her, and don't know what she's like. And if I decide to tell her, what should I say, because "I'm depressed" just doesn't seem to cover my emotions. I don't want to see a counsellor right now, not only because of the money issue, but because I've had an unpleasant experience with my old one about 4 years ago.

Sorry for all the questions, my emotions and nervousness are running everywhere right now.

[heidi4battle]

I am sorry that you are feeling so bad. I myself have been were you are at. One of the biggest things I strrugle with is quilt. I am so gald that you are alive. Do you have any adults or people you trust to go to? I went to youth leaders in the past. For the problem of nerves try get big deep breathes that is what my T tells me to do. Feel free to PM when every you want.

[Licentia Poetica]

The only thing that's wrong with seeing the school's counsellor is that tomorrow's the last day of school. I've talked to the guidance counsellor before because I was being bullied by a lot of people, and she's really nice and gives good advice. I just get so nervous though, talking to a counsellor for whatever reason. I just have a hard time talking about my problems, literally. I have to actually write them about because it's the only way I can explain, and I don't feel comfortable around a counsellor writing my every thought.

Even if you have to write it down, that's fine. I often write things down for my psychiatrist, because that's how I can explain myself better. My advice would be to get to know a counsellor.. just go and talk in general about school or something until you suss them out, and then you might feel more comfortable sharing more in depth problems.

Things seemed to be looking up, though. For some reason, my mood will be horrible one day and then a little bit better the next. I just don't know how to know if my identity's my true one or not, though. It feels right, but it just doesn't fit sometimes. It's like, it's me, but it's not at the same time. I can't explain it.

You don't need to explain it to me any further. I know what you're talking about *nods* You're not alone at all. It sounds like you have some identity issues that could be helped by talking them out with someone.

Does anyone have any advice on how they cope with nervousness, because I have a final tomorrow and if I don't pretty much ace it, I fail for the year. It's really bothering me, and I've tried a lot of things in another thread here on the coping forum, but none of it seems to work.

Catch 22 - you're nervous because you're afraid you will fail, so you might not study/ do badly. If you weren't so afraid you would fail you might actually do okay in it. Just do what you can k? Even if you fail, it's okay. The best you can do is good enough.

One more thing, does anyone know who else I can reach out to besides the school counsellor? I really don't trust my parents at all because I've been fighting with them about everything from what's for dinner to my class rank at school. I don't want my best friend to know that I'm SI-ing again because she thinks I stopped, but I really didn't. She's really happy right now, and I don't want to ruin it for her. My parents don't have the money to get me meds or see a counsellor (my mom's on meds for depression, so I'm beginning to think it's a genetic thing). I'm due to the doctor's in about a month, so does anyone think I should tell my doctor? I just switched to her, and don't know what she's like. And if I decide to tell her, what should I say, because "I'm depressed" just doesn't seem to cover my emotions. I don't want to see a counsellor right now, not only because of the money issue, but because I've had an unpleasant experience with my old one about 4 years ago.

Have you any youth services in your area? Usually they have free, confidential counselling there. You could also contact your local mental health care unit, or call a helpline and they'll direct you where to go. If your doc seems nice and genuine I suggest you tell her. "I'm depressed" is a good way to begin. Or even "I'm not coping so well with stuff".

[Brit]

I hope you are feeling better. School often causes more stress than its worth. Now that you are done, relax. It often is not as bad as you think. Reading this myself, i feel like the worlds biggest hypocrite. but its true.

Accepting help for myself was one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life, but it was completely worth it. Try to put your nervousness aside and just do it. It will definitely help in the long run.

Good Luck!

Hugs