before (05/25/2007) *su*self-hate*

[the edge of the world]

selfish, uninsightful, bitchy, angry, bitter, unproductive, waste-of-your-time-and-energy rant follows.

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

it won't

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

bring:
-what I deserve
-release of tension
take away:
-nothing. i have nothing i care about.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

doesn't matter how I feel. I deserve badness. it would get me closer to what I deserve

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

it won't bring real relief. I will always come back to this. I shouldn't get relief anyways.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

i could sleep. it won't change how horrible I am, though.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

i would feel the same tomorrow. probably still like this.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i could die. or just cease to exist quietly. that would help a lot. everything would be much better off.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

because I deserve it. i'm a self-centered piece of shit pretending to be human and failing miserably.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

yes, I'm always this horrible, I just don't always see it. I dealt with it just like this -- simmering with self-hate.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I don't deserve comfort. i could cry some more. selfish. mean. bad. awful. mean, bad, ..............

* How do I feel right now?

As horrible as I am

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

I don't know.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I don't know. probably awful both.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

no, I'm incurably horrible.

* Do I need to hurt myself?

No, but I should.

[LBC]

Hi Edge

Did something happen, to make you feel such strong self-hate? You don't have to answer that...but if there were other people involved, do you really, 100% sure know what they're thinking about the event, your involvement in it, or you in general? Do you think that they would be as hard on you as you're being?

If you have done something wrong, what are some other ways you could make amends, besides hurting yourself? I think most people would agree that's a very harsh punishment.

Not all feelings are based on truth. You may *feel* that you're a horrible person...but if you took a general survey of people who know you, would they agree?

Just some things to think about. I hope you're okay.

Take gentle care.

[the edge of the world]

thank you for the thoughts.

Yes something did happen... it was just something someone said that made me think they didn't care about me. I realized I completely overreacted by the following afternoon.