omg kurdt is posting before

[kurdt_kobain]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I don't know. I'll feel better, like I've been punished for being bad. But if I chicken out and don't SI hard enough, I'll feel even worse. I've been reaching this weird crossroads: I'm leaving nasty scars and wounds that take forever to heal and I just can't keep cutting as much as I want to because I have to wear summer clothes. And I'm so scarred up, like I've been cutting all over and it never feels like enough unless I'm covered, literally covered in blood...and I know I can't do that and that's the only thing that will make me feel better.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

Comfort. SATISFACTION. It'll take away my attempt to heal everything for the next two weeks.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Long enough? Meh.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I can study for my chem test. I can call someone? I can shower. I can clean my room.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I don't know. I don't know. I just want this depression to go away. I feel like someone's sitting on my chest and it's about to cave in.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to hear that I'm worthwhile...but I don't know how to ask for that. Meh. I'm really upset because (a) I basically spilled my guts to a new doctor and he just kind of was like "okay we'll work on that" which was really anti-climatic. And B called me surly and rude and even though it's unintentional, it upsets me. And I BLEW my math final. I feel really depressed...and I just want to hurt myself. But I can't. I'd leave nasty, nasty scars...and I just can't.

[ChaseThisLight]

Well first off....you ARE worthwhile! I promise. Second...I'm glad you decided to fill out the before questions before you did anything. That's a good step in the right direction. It's difficult to keep yourself from SIing when in the back of your mind it's all you want to do. But you outlined a few really good distractions (studying, cleaning)...I hope you decided to at least try something else. Take care of yourself...sorry I don't have any better advice at the minute.