After (not feeling very constructive)

[Stellaria]

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Done.
• what had happened just before?
  
  I had woken up at 3.30 AM, could not get back to sleep, eventually got up. Sat down in the kitchen with the laptop, checked email, randomly browsed newspaper headlines, played shisen (a simple mindnumbing game). Around 6 AM I locked myself in the bathroom.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  Thinking of my b/f who is ill (heart condition), what if the treatment doesn’t work and he has to stay like this, what if he dies. Feeling helpless.
  
  Thinking how tired I am of trying to hold myself together and yet often fail, how things would be much better if I could just wipe out my emotions and personal needs. Feeling guilty, inadequate.
  
  Thinking of the future, or rather my lack of dreams, ambitions, plans. Thinking that I’m a lost cause and should stop asking for help since I’m just wasting everyone’s time. Feeling dread, self-hate.
  
  As soon as I decided to SI I became organized, calm, thought of practical matters like checking that I had my wallet and keys in my purse if I would need to get stitches afterwards, picked out dark clothes where any stains would not show, brushed my teeth.
  
  While SI’ing I felt relieved, safe, almost protected.
  
  Afterwards I felt disconnected, except for when I had to wake my b/f up to explain why I was going out (didn’t want him to wake up and find me missing), that made me feel horribly guilty, but then I disconnected again on the way to the ER.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  No single event. I have been struggling with urges for several weeks, got tired of fighting. Really wanted to SI last friday but didn’t have any good opportunity and decided I could do it monday morning instead, so come monday there was already a plan, I only had to decide to go ahead with it.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  There have been a few things happening in the past couple of months that I have trouble dealing with but I can’t identify any final straw.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  Lack of sleep, definitely, since weeks. I know I should take my sleep med but I can rarely bring myself to do it. Have been taking my AD but it’s probably not doing much. Since I quit the ECT in April I have been a bit unstable moodwise and anxiety is out the roof. Have a pdoc appointment next week, I’m embarrassed but I will make myself go.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  This morning, nothing.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  I don’t know. When the plan to SI has been ongoing for a while, I don’t know what makes me decide to do or not do it at a certain point.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  The most immediate stressor is b/f’s illness, which I can do nothing about. I know I need to accept that illness and death are unavoidable facts of life, but I don’t know how to do that. Self-image factors, I’m trying to be useful to my b/f and my kids and, when I have the energy, to my friends. I have tried to talk to b/f, T and friends. Possible physical factors, I will see my pdoc, though I don’t really expect much from that.
  
  Guess I find it hard to imagine any of this actually resolving.
  
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  As for emotions, I’m feeling pretty much the same now as before the SI, I just don’t have the obsessive thoughts about doing it right now. When I start to see images of it in my head and make plans for when and where and how, I know I’m getting close.
  
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  
  I can’t think of any right now.

[ChaseThisLight]

Urges are harder to fight when they've been coming for a while. I know I am most vulnerable to SI when I'm in a crappy situation that I have absolutely no control over. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I'm not sure what sort of IRL support network you have...but if you have some friends that you trust...lean on them now when things are difficult. I know it's easier said than done...but SI, where it makes things feel better momentarily, is temporary (as you know). I hope you can figure something out to help you with urges in the future. I also hope things go well for your BF. Take care of you.

[Stellaria]

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it.

While it may not provide me with any immediate solutions, I think it is still useful for me to go through these questions, it gives me a better grasp of where I am and what I'm struggling with.