After Again

[StevieLynn]

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  yeah.
• what had happened just before?
  
  My Ex-girlfriend called.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  I was feeling very confused. When she called I already had a tool in my hand but chose to answer the phone hoping that talking to someone would make me feel better. It made me feel worse because she had such a good day.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  The final straw was the gf call, I think.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  If I already had a tool in my hand and was debating using it. If I hadn't answered the phone when I saw it was her, I maybe I would have decided to put it down instead of using it.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  No.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  I watched Without a Paddle and Beauty and the Beast. I talked to gf. I knit. I made some food. I tried thinking about what is written on the postcard in my safety box. I talked to people online. None of it worked very well.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  I don't know!!! I've tried so much this week and I'm not getting anywhere with all the methods that used to work.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  
  What can I do? I don't know what will work anymore.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  Not really resolved. Nothing really led up to it, that's the thing. Gf phone call was the final straw, but there wasn't a whole lot that triggered me. I was just craving the feeling of self harm.
  
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  I don't know! I"m so confused!
  
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I will call my cousin B.
I will call Leeanna BEFORE instead of after.
I will do more out of my safety box.

Thoughts:
I am very confused this week. There isn't anything maor going on that is triggering me so I don't understand why I am having such a hard time handling my urges. But there you are. After two months they are so bad that I can't take it anymore. And I don't know what else to do about it.

Love,
Stevie

[LBC]

Hi Stevie

I'm really sorry that you're experiencing such intense urges right now. That's very frustrating, when you're trying very hard to stop self-harming.

You mentioned that your ex-girlfriend's call was the "final straw"...that you already had your tool in your hand when she called. What got you to the point that you had a tool in your hand? Is there anything that you could have changed in that sequence of events before her call, that wouldn't have made you so vulnerable?

And why was it that hearing about her having a good day would make you upset? I'm not suggesting that your feelings are wrong...I'm just asking you look at them and try to figure out what's behind them. Perhaps there's an issue around her that needs resolving.

I like that you were able to come up with some more coping strategies to try next time...have you looked at the thread of distractions in Sourcebook?

Take gentle care.

[StevieLynn]

The thing is, I'm so confused as to why these urges are coming on so strong that I don't KNOW what got me to that point of having a tool in my hand. I'm lonely. I am a tad homesick. But I was doing all the right things to get me through that. I don't know why I am having such a hard time resisting these urges.

I think hearing how cheerful my ex-gf was drove me over the edge because I am not feeling those thngs. I am having a hard time and I want to feel better and I think maybe I was jealous. And upset with myself for not feeling that way, even though I am genuinely happy for her that things went well yesterday.

As for distractions, I have the entire 300-something list saved on my computer. I don't have internet at home, so it becomes an issue when I want to use it as a distraction. I do the best I can though.

This is really intensely scary for me right now. I haven't cut twice in one week in YEARS. I feel like I'm going backwards when I'm fighting so hard to get better. It's like swimming upstream.

I think maybe I will make a list of things to do each evening, and I can go to bed before the list is complete, but if I am having urges, I cannot do anything else until I have done everything on the list. Maybe that will get me through. Maybe.

I'm still scared.

Love,
Stevie