slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes.
- what had happened just before?
I was hanging out with my roommate and her friend, playing a silly game and drinking wine.
- what were you thinking and feeling?
I was feeling overwhelmed by having to meet another new person this weekend. My urges had been building for a while and I couldn't handle it anymore.
- why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I don't know. I just couldn't handle any more. I was feeling so stressed and overwhelmed and I couldn't fight the urges any longer.
- how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I spent the weekend at my sister's for her college graduation. There was a lot of family stress and I had to meet a lot of new people because her friends' families were also there. After I got home we had someone new spending the night in our house and then my roommate had a visitor yesterday and so that was someone else new I had to deal with. It was too many people in too short a time period for me to handle. I'm really not sure what I could do about it because dealing with the large group was obligatory for the college graduation.
- were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
We had been drinking wine, but I didn't have too much. I am off my Lunesta because I can't afford it right now, so I am taking over the counter sleepaids (Unisom) right now.
- what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried reminding myself that I was fine, that nothing bad was going to happen. I tried doing some arts and crafts (I like to make hemp jewelry) earlier in the day when I was feeling urgy. I tried knitting a bit. I read for a while.
- in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I could have taken out my safety box. That is what it is there for. I could have made some phone calls.
- name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I have phone number written in the lid of my safety box to remind me to make phone calls. I will leave my safety box somewhere that I can see it to remind me to use it.
- how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It is not resolved and is only going to get worse, as we have some girls coming to stay in our house next week, and one even has to share my room. This is out of my hands and I have no control over the situation. I have no idea how I can make myself feel better about it.
- are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I will be in this situation again when these girls come next week. I have social anxiety, so I know it is going to be an issue. I don't know what to do about it.
- what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
What else can I do? I had already tried so much! I will commit to making the phone calls I didn't make this time. I will try to talk to the roommate who knows I SI to get some support. I will attempt to stay out of my bedroom and away from my tools.
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
- What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
I was feeling overwhelmed and had been for several days. I needed some relief.
- Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
It was just there. I have my own room right now and can just go upstairs and close the door.
- What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I probably would have had a panic attack.
- If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Increased. I have been fighting urges for a while now and they kept getting stronger.
- What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
Being alone or being able to isolate myself. I only SI when I am upset or depressed or anxious and need relief from it, so I wait for those feelings.
- If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
I would feel upset and panicky. I would probably start to have a full blown panic attack if the urges were bad enough and I couldn't SI.
Further ruminations:
I am terribly worried about next week. I don't think I am going to be able to handle having four people in my house that I don't know, one of whom is going to have to share my room. That means that I won't have any privacy at all, which eliminates the opportunity to SI. In all honesty, I'd rather cut than have a panic attack and hyperventilate and pass out. I feel foolish and irrational when I panic. I feel relieved when I cut.
I also feel like a failure right now. Today would have been two months SI free, and instead, I cut last night and have to start counting again at one. I feel like everyone is going to know and be disappointed in me and that I failed everyone. Especially myself. I am a perfectionist and this only proves further that I am not perfect.
*sigh* Input appreciated. Immensely.
Love,
Stevie
