Before...

[XXPixieXX]

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:


how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation wont change (cant change history), the feelings will be driven back, temporarily.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring nothing to the situation. It will take the pressure off the SU impulses that follow when I refuse to SH

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
In the long run I want to heal myself, A) by making peace with my past. B) learning how to feel love for myself. Pursuing a course of SH, whilst bringing relief from painful feelings and/or thoughts in the short term, will not help achieve these goals in the long term. The reason why SH is not a long term solution to my problems is because it is an action that only adresses the symptoms and not the causes of my distress

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The feelings of relief will last about 24 hours. After that I will come back to myself. And then, there Ill be with all my issues, same as before.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Posting on here gives me an opportunity to explore rationally what is happening in my mind and body at this time. The more I think about what is going on objectively, the more control I feel I have. The more control I feel I have, the safer I feel in my body

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself tonight, then that is just one moment in time. It arose, existed then past away. I will not beat myself up about it, but simply be with myself and do my best to be gentle with myself. If I choose not to SH tonight and do something else instead I will be pleased that I was able to negotiate a path my thoughts and feelings

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
My emotional kneejerk response is always to SH, that is still the 'default setting' as it were. However, my more measured response to that initial desire, is to explore what is really going on. To push through the distraction of simple desire for release and work with what is driving that craving. In this way I show myself real love, by listening to what is happening in my body and mind

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Relief from unpleasant 'physical' bodily sensations mostly. My skin feels like it is screaming. On a deeper level, it is a continuation of coping behaviour learnt in childhood. Inside, there is a part of me that is still a hurting child. I am currently at this point because Ive been very ill for some time but am now in a period of remission. This is great! feeling well makes me happy. Downside is, feelings of joy or happiness make me scared and frightened. I hold a belief that these feelings are 'wrong' that I dont deserve to have these nice feelings. Self hatred arises and with it the impulse to SH. I hold the eroneous but persuasive belief that SH is the only way I can legitimately feel good about myself, or experience feelings of love towards myself. This is what I am working with right now.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Many, many times, starting in childhood. I SH or abused drugs/alcohol etc... I didnt 'feel' then as such. It was more of a kneejerk reaction to frightening and/or painful feelings or emotions.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
So far this morning I have focused all my energy into posting on here. Seeing my thougths about myself on screen, reflecting back at me is helpful and knowing that others will read this makes me feel less of a freak. Something Ive found that helps me is to use a rubber band. I wear it on my wrist and flick it on my skin there. It doesnt really 'scratch the itch' but what it does do is help me assess how present I am in my body. The more times I have to flick, the further away I am. Also, if I wear it (its red and looks abit like one of those chariteee band thingies) my hubby can see Im feeling fragile without me having to say anything ('cause sometimes its hard to talk) Also my therapist understands it's significance.
Sometimes I type out all the things that make - or have made - me happy; now and historically. I keep typing till I drop! I just let it all flow out.
I act as friend to myself by talking to myself. Talking myself through whatever I am experiencing at a given moment and letting myself know that its 'ok' to have these feelings/thoughts. Reminding myself that such thoughts or feelings are symptoms of those issues that I am working to resolve.


How do I feel right now?
Quite chirpy and cheerful on one level, and at the same time my skin is crawling.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Blissful, relaxed and loved, held and comforted

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Relaxed, peaceful, spaced out

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Things, events, people can all produce feelings of stress. Can I avoid life, not really. Stuff happens, its just life being, well, life. I always have a choice about how I deal. Every day I make a choice. I just have to keep workin' it baby!

Do I need to hurt myself?
The need is there, oh yes indeedy, but I am in the driving seat and not my desires or impulses. Will I? No, not tonight

XXPixieXX

[balletomane]

Might other physical sensations (like cold from an ice cube) help with the skin screaming feeling?

[XXPixieXX]

Might other physical sensations (like cold from an ice cube) help with the skin screaming feeling?

Wouldnt even touch the sides. But, thanks anyway for the suggestion. I do use an elastic band (as suggested on the SI website) it too is no substitute for my SI method. However it does serve several purposes. Firstly, I use it on myself at times when Im feeling out of myself; how many times I have to use it before I feel it helps me measure how far gone 'I' am.
Secondly, when I wear it, people like my husband and therapist can see that Im not in a good place. So, when they ask me 'how are you' I cant get away with saying 'oh fine...'