Things Left Unsaid - Version 3.0 *Language*

marshmallowfluff · Post by **marshmallowfluff** » Sat Mar 24, 2007 11:29 pm

A,

I cant be like that with you. If i could, i would. i can barely deal with my own stuff, let alone yours as well. It hurts because you're so similar to me, and i try to say stuff to you i wsh people would say to me, but you dont listen to me and it seems pointless saying it to begin with.
maye blocking you and ignoring your texts and emails wasnt the best idea in the world, but it was the only way i could get away from you for a while without making you feel bad. well, thats what i thought anyway. turns out i was wrong because you are feeling bad now because i disappeared for a cuple of months. i want you to understand. i want so badly for you to understand.
sometimes i can't deal with you telling me your for of self harm is worse than mine, because i get competatie. i dont mean to. that makes me sound like an attention whore. i really dont mean to, but it just seems like you have to be the worst off all the time.
when your mum found out, you told me you wre gonna jmp in frontof a train. what am i suposed to do about it when i live so far away from you? you know for a fact i would come and stay wth you if you lived closer and hel pyou and stuff, but we know each other OVER THE INTERNET and theres nothing i can do.
you're so damn high maintanence and i cant deal with it.
i cant deal with it at all. i want it to stop. i need it to stop.
when i used to talk to you a while ago, you used to whinge at me, and i would just start crying, and i would sit there and cry whlst i spoke to you because i didnt know what to say. You're in the same boat as me - how am i supposed to help you when i cant help myself?
after recieving your email today, i unblocked so we could chat for a bit. it was pointless, because you barely said anything. it was just a waste of time, and now i am completely emotionally drained.
ihave problems too. you seem to forget that sometimes. i have my own stuff to cope with.
im so sorry.
i cant talk to you anymore.

Porcelain_Doll · Post by **Porcelain_Doll** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:25 am

I want to tell you so badly that i'm not ok. That therapy isn't helping much because I can't tell her things. I can't talk to adults. I need help but I can't let myself have it.

sockr28 · Post by **sockr28** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 5:52 am

i feel guilty for not being able to forgive you, but you piss me off so bad. i wish that i could tell you how much you hurt me. i would rather not ever talk to you again instead of having that little bit of hope that you care about me. please stop pretending. it hurts me so much. cant you see what you are doing to me??? please, get out of my life and my mind. FUCK YOU!

5th section · Post by **5th section** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 6:34 pm

C___ especially but all of you as well:
thank you so much. you probably saved me from quite a violent night.

daisy_chain · Post by **daisy_chain** » Mon Mar 26, 2007 8:11 pm

Today was the first time we spoke in person since we broke up a month ago. It felt like nothing had changed when we started talking. Then it hit me. I am not the same person to you anymore. I feel unimportant to you. And that hurts.

Scatterbrain · Post by **Scatterbrain** » Thu Mar 29, 2007 12:16 am

Thank you so much. I'm amazed that you care enough about me to sit and talk for almost 2 hours... There is no way you can know how much that means to me. I will tell them. Its a promise. This time I will keep it. I think it will take me a while, but I will tell them within the next couple months. I swear to you I will. Thank you so much for listening and for the hug.

~Megan

Quiet little Angel · Post by **Quiet little Angel** » Sun Apr 01, 2007 12:27 am

you're such a clown... you know that don't you? how can you not answer TJ? he's supposed to be your best friend... why do you do this? you're not making things any easier on yourself... i'm trying hard to be there for you... be your friend... but i get nothing back... i can't do that... i don't have the energy to always be the one who calls or writes... i need you to make an efford too... just every now and then... atleast tell me when big things happen... like when you decide you want to go to Af-freaking-ghanistan... i know it might sound wierd to you... but those things matter to me too... they affect my life too... you're not all alone in all this... you have to see that... and right now you're hurting me and TJ... and screw that you're hurting me, that's not new... but stop hurting him... he's not used to that... he needs you...

Peege · Post by **Peege** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 11:33 am

you're a prick.
you are exactly what bridget meant when she wrote about fuckwits.
you're a child at 26. an immature, insensitive, emotionally retarded, selfish brat of a kid.
no wonder she dumped you, she probably just worked out what you really are.
if you think that you can worm your way back into my life now that you're all alone you're sorely mistaken. even i know i'm worth more than that, after all i did for you.
fuck off and leave me alone, you shit.

JustAlittleBitBroken · Post by **JustAlittleBitBroken** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 9:24 pm

This is going to be long, but it needs to be said. I'm just too scared to say it to "James's" face

I feel so alone right now. I feel as though I have been abandoned by everyone that says they love me. I anticipate happiness, only to be disappointed yet again. I have become an angry and accusatory person. I am in agony over my life right now. I don’t know where it is going anymore. I await the words from you that I am longing to hear. I am afraid that they will not come. All I want to hear is that you love me and want to stay with me forever. I feel as though you have alienated yourself from me and the life we were trying to build together. I am well aware of how you’re feeling lately.

You feel like you have failed yourself, and your kids. I don’t think that’s true at all. They love you, and they think the world of you. You feel as though I have betrayed you by relapsing. I apologize for making you feel that way. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know I have said before that I would never do drugs again, and at that point in time I wasn’t really ready to make that decision. Now I am. I am ready to stay clean and sober for the rest of my life. I swear.

I know I have made you feel bitter towards everything, including me. Ever since I relapsed, I have felt belittled every time you talk about it. My spirit is broken now. My heart is bruised, and so is my pride. I feel like I am nothing but a burden to you and everyone else now. You have no idea how that makes me feel. I feel like I have burned all of my bridges with you. I’m trying to put on a brave face for the kids, and everyone else, but the truth of the matter is that I am terrified.

I am so confused and scared right now. I feel like I’m going to go crazy. I have been contemplating what I should do, but I still don’t know. I feel like I am being cornered by my life right now. I feel like I have been cheated out of ever finding happiness. Every dream I have ever had has been crushed. I’m more cautious now with telling you how much I love you because I don’t want to push you any farther away than you already are. I try to be careful about what I do and say around you, because I don’t want to make you totally hate me. I have been changing, and I am concerned that it’s too late.

I feel like I’m just chasing dreams now. I feel caged in my life. I can’t even find a job with help. My whole life has just crumbled around me, and no matter how hard I try, I cant help but feel helpless. I can’t just stop caring about how you feel. I can’t just stop feeling the way I feel for you. I’m curious as to what you are feeling, yet you tell me that you don’t want to talk about it. You have turned cold towards me. I don’t know how to pull you out of the depression that you are in. I don’t know how to make things right between us again.

When you told me that you aren’t in love with me anymore, I’m not going to lie, it devastated me. We are in a dark, dismal place. I am very distrustful now. I hate feeling like I cant trust you. I used to trust you with my life. I guess you going to jail had more of an effect on me than I realized. I used to think you were a strong willed man that wouldn’t let anyone talk him into doing things that he knew could get him into a lot of trouble. Then when you let T.J. talk you into going to the college to steal those things, I was in total disbelief. I guess I was disillusioned by my love for you. I knew you were doomed to get into trouble. I am a dreamer. I have hopes and aspirations, but I know that I am destined to live a life full of desperation and despair.

I thought that you would change all of that, and for a while you did. You made me so happy, but now all I do is sit here feeling destitute and alone. I am very doubtful that I will ever pull out of this depression. I’ll still go on and do what needs to be done, but I know I’ll never be happy without you in my life. I despise myself for doing the things I have done to hurt you. I feel like a weak-minded loser for relapsing. I feel like I let you down, and not only you, but myself and my kids. I am envious of everyone that has the willpower to stay clean. I hate them. I feel like I’m just like my mother. I’m 25 almost 26, and have accomplished nothing in my life. I mean absolutely nothing.

Graduating high school and college isn’t anything if I don’t have something to show for all of it. So what I have a certificate that says I can do medical coding and billing. It doesn’t mean anything if I cant actually put it to use. I am damned to having nothing and not being able to support my kids. If something happens to you tomorrow, I get screwed and so do the boys. I don’t deserve to be their mother. They deserve to have a mother that can handle having them. They deserve a mother that can love them the way they need to be loved, and protect them from the bad things in life. They need someone that can support them. They need a mother that they can look up to and that can be a role model for them. I am not that person. They are young enough to forget about me.

Our oldest will only have distant memories of me, and the baby will be able to totally forget me. I am not saying that I am going to die or anything, I’m just saying that maybe everyone would be better off without me. I was thinking about just leaving and going somewhere, and just leaving the kids with you and your mom. You guys can raise them better than I can. I am a failure as a mother. I feel like I am forcing you to stay with me. Simply because of the kids. Granted it will completely devastate me, but I might eventually get over you.

I feel like you ignore me when you’re talking to "her" or "Vern", or anyone else for that matter. I am a very forgiving person, but I am also easily hurt. When you ignore me and act distant from me when you’re talking to "that girl", it hurts. It’s like you don’t even want me to be around you anymore. I get that you need time to think, and that I somehow smother you. I don’t know what I’m doing differently, because I have always been as affectionate as I am. You know this. Now that e are having problems, you say I am smothering you. I don’t get it.

You used to like me telling you that I love you all the time, and you used to like it when I would sit next to you, but now, it just seems like you don’t even want to be near me when you’re talking to "that girl". I feel like you actually like her more than me. Like you would actually rather talk to her, but yet make love to me. I just don’t understand what she has that I don’t seem to have. You used to look forward to talking to me all the time, now you would just rather talk to her.

You wonder why I am insecure, well, apparently, you think that she is more beautiful than I am. I feel like I look like dog shit next to her. I’m fat, and I have a lot of stretch marks. She doesn’t have any of that. She probably has the most perfect silky smooth body, and she is the perfect weight. I’m just a fat old wrinkly thing now. I don’t even think you realize how I feel about my body. I try to make myself feel better, but it’s not working.

I used to think I was beautiful, but not so much anymore. I used to think that you would love me no matter what I looked like, but now I realize that you want a trophy wife. That’s not me at all. I’ll never be beautiful enough for you. I’ll never be perfect enough. I could have tons of plastic surgery, but then I would be nothing but a fucking plastic Barbie doll.

I feel like you have forgotten what we used to have. We used to be happy. We used to be in love. How do you just turn off feelings like that? I thought you would love me unconditionally, the way that I love you. I guess that’s another dream I was chasing. I feel like I have to be perfect for you to love me again the way you used to. I cant be that girl. I’m a totally different person now.

The girl you fell in love with was afraid of her own shadow. The girl you fell in love with was shy and quiet, and scared of the world. I have grown and matured a lot since then, and I am no longer that scared little girl. I feel like you want someone that’s just like you. I never in a million years thought that you would ever stop loving me. Why can’t you just love me again? Please. I need you to love me.

I feel as though I am hindering you. I feel like I’m the one that’s holding you back from what you really want in life. I feel as though you think we may have fallen in love too soon. I know you feel trapped, and I know it’s because of me and the kids. I never expected you to have me move in with you. I never expected to fall in love with you. You said you fell in love with me in high school. How? You didn’t even know what kind of person I was. For all you knew, I could have been the biggest bitch around. You fell in love with the idea of me, and now it has ended up hurting me.

I thought you were actually in love with me after you met me. I thought you fell in love with me for who I was, but you only fell in love with the me you knew of in high school. You have never really loved the me that moved in with you. You never really loved me for who I am. You only loved what you thought was me. That’s where you and I differ. I love you for who you are. A strong, courageous man. A man that loves his kids with all of himself. A man that gives to his friends, whenever they are in need of something.

You’re a kind hearted person deep down inside, and I know that man is still in there underneath all the pain, and heartache somewhere. You just have to let him come out again.

Sjenna · Post by **Sjenna** » Thu Apr 05, 2007 2:45 pm

*Lang*

Mom, it was said a while ago, but it still hurts like hell. And yes, I'm getting angry.

What the fuck do you mean you've always wondered why I 'never made anything of myself'??? I'm not something NOW?? I did the same thing you did, became a full time mother, of four.

I became a diplomat by learning how to run a household, placate a drug addicted husband and his enabling mother, teach my two learning disabled children, carry on for my family when I wanted to lay down and die.

I became an accountant by learning how to take what was left over from my husband's pay check, after drugs and his 'toys' and pay the rent, electric, phone, buy food and keep us all going for another fucking week.

I became a chef by learning how to cook pasta, rice and potatoes five million differant ways and use a smidgeon of meat, a handful of veggies in hundreds of creative ways.

I became a seamstress by learning how to make patterns from newspapers and sew clothes from cast off cloth I found at the Good will.

Tell me that's not something, damn it!!

I became a farmer when we moved to a place that had a tiny bit of tired worn out land and coaxed it to grow things to help feed my family. And when I managed to buy a few chickens so we could have eggs everyday.

I became a believer by pouring out my heart to God everynight in prayer for the strength to make it through another day, for the wisdom to know how to deal with what I had to live with, for the endurance to take care of my children and love them no matter what trials we were facing.

And finally, I became a person when I divorced that sorry fucking bastard and took the children to have a better life.

SO DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING TELL ME I NEVER BECAME ANYFUCKINGTHING!!

Callisto · Post by **Callisto** » Sat Apr 07, 2007 11:53 am

what do you want from me? what do you want from us?

do you really want to keep going or are you just scared of being alone and seen as a failure??

JustAlittleBitBroken · Post by **JustAlittleBitBroken** » Sat Apr 07, 2007 7:04 pm

Wow you just made me feel like the biggest piece of shit in the whole world! You tell me that you're going out with your friends tonight after you fucking PROMISED me you would spend time with me, and now you say its because we've been having so many problems.

I asked you if it was because you're ashamed to be seen with me, and you just sat there silently. O.k. true I have gained some weight since we have been together, but for fucking hell I have had 2 fucking kids since then! You have 2 fucking kids and then tell me how fucking amazing you look!

You are making me feel like the scum on the bottom of your shoes right now. I feel like my feelings mean nothing to you anymore. You would rather go out with your fucking friends and leave me here with the kids YET FUCKING AGAIN!!!!!! God only knows what time you're going to be home tonight. So I just want to say thank you for being such an uncaring insensitive ASSHOLE!!!!!!!

mephistopheles · Post by **mephistopheles** » Sat Apr 07, 2007 9:18 pm

you are safe
if i let you you might become home

i think i love you

for real

but i can't look after you.

Quiet little Angel · Post by **Quiet little Angel** » Sat Apr 07, 2007 11:04 pm

R: i'm sorry i'm being such a selfish bitch... i'm sorry for not being as supportive as i promised to be... i'm sorry for not trusting you to take care of yourself... i'm sorry for being so scared... i'm sorry for being so needy... you need your space and i need to let you have that... i'm sorry love...

Scatterbrain · Post by **Scatterbrain** » Sun Apr 08, 2007 1:48 am

I'm scared. I want to be like everyone else. I want to go shopping for a cute sleeveless dress. I know JM said the scars arent too bad. I know that the makeup makes them even less noticable. But I cant change. I can take off my goddamn sweatshirt. I just cant. I fucking hate myself for it...

~Megan

green · Post by **green** » Sun Apr 08, 2007 11:28 am

You are so unbelieveably self-centred.

daisy_chain · Post by **daisy_chain** » Sun Apr 08, 2007 1:48 pm

I am so fucking lonely right now. I used to be able to tell you how i was feeling but you dont care anymore, and that HURTS. I just wish that someone other than my parents would truly care.

styled_wrong · Post by **styled_wrong** » Sun Apr 08, 2007 4:52 pm

-deleted-

5th section · Post by **5th section** » Mon Apr 09, 2007 11:32 am

LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT LEAVE IT SHUT UP!!!!!!

zombiepeople · Post by **zombiepeople** » Mon Apr 09, 2007 6:24 pm

SHUT THE FUCK UP!! Who are you to say how I feel or pretend to understand! You don't know me!
Any you...I can't believe you told all your little friends that I was raped!! What the hell was that about??

YOU ALL NEED TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!

bus

Things Left Unsaid - Version 3.0 Language

This is for my Mom

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