Feeling strange without si

[briochick]

Right. So last week I went in to the psych center at my school and at that time I'd gone a little over two weeks without any serious si. they then contracted me to not si and they've been doing that for almost a week now. I si-ed mildly in durring a two hour period where I wasn't under contract. That puts me at three weeks with only two mild si-ing.

Fantastic right? Except I'd do it if I wasn't under contract. My intense need to keep my word, not particularly my desire to quit is keeping me from si-ing.

I'm terrified to be normal. I'm terrified to be a freak.

Without any kind of "serious" si weird things have been happening. I cry all the time. I have times where my emotions feel like they're exploding out of me and times of almost-numbness. I'll be physically sensative but more I'm loosing awareness of parts of my body at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm experiencing things through a gauze curtain. At a moment's notice I may feel like I'm going to freak out or start crying. My heart randomly starts pounding. I get tired so so quickly. My dreams are stressfull if not violent. And in this all is the thought that if I was si-ed it would even me out and that something is inherantly 'wrong' with me not si-ing. Oh, and I'm having a really hard time being around people and making eyecontact.

I am also torn between the desire to make "pretty marks" on myself and the desire to leave my skin unmarred so I can wear shorts come summer.

What is going on? Can something help with this? Am I finally going nuts? Is this normal? What happens when I'm no longer under contract?

*lays head down on table and focuses on breathing*

[xx mimi xx]

I dont know what advice I can give you, but I hear you. Just so you know, theres nothing wrong with being normal. Even though youre normal doesnt mean youre like everyone else. And if you meant that being normal would make you a freak, it wouldnt. Sorry I dont have better advice for you.

x3 mimi

[Amneris]

I know how you feel, i didnt si for a long itme till 3 days ago.. and i did it just because i felt "strange", like there was nothing wrong with me now you know?? i hate that feeling i just want to be happy without having to sabotage myself.. and then yesterday i got really mad at someone and i felt like i was drowning cause i was trying to avoid cutting and i did my best but i couldnt help it.. i didnt cut but i ended up si-ing.
anyway, i know how you feel, take care ok?