Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Situation won't change. Feeling will be relieved.
- what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring relief. It will take the focus away from my Mom and put it on me, which I don't want at all.
- how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to celebrate the life of my mother. Hurting myself will take me farther away from this.
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Probably until I fall asleep. In the morning I'll be feeling the pain again, plus have to face the consequences of my actions.
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
(1)I am a recovering Morphine addict. I could take a large does of Morphine and anesthetise myself. I can do that indefinitely.
(2)I could continue to seek support on the computer, call the Crisis center (I'm supposed to do that rather than si or use), and possibly call my therapist. Can't answer rest of question.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself, tomorrow I will feel physical pain, plus guilt and maybe remorse, plus the emotional pain I'm feeling now.
If I use, I will fall back into the addict self-hate bit, plus feel guilt and remorse once I stop, plus maybe the emotional pain once I stop.
With the last choice, I will feel guilty about calling my t at home so late, but I won't have the guilt of si or using. I will still have the emotional pain, but I will get help getting past it.
- what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Right now I really want to talk to someone and spill my guts. I want to si or use, but I also don't want to. And the consequences of si-ing are major (loss of residence, most likely out on the streets). Consequences of using are less severe for the time being, though that may change. However, I would disappoint the people who are supporting me in my recovery. The talking option is looking better.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am in deep emotional pain because of the anniversary of my Mom's death and a stroke today in my best friend here.
- Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've been in a similar situation once. I cut severely and almost bled to death. I also got kicked out of my residence. I mostly felt angry.
- What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Mostly writing about my feelings. Tried distractions, but they aren't working. I could call Crisis or my t and talk about it.
- How do I feel right now?
In terrible emotional pain.
- How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Release and relief, the pain flowing away with the blood.
- How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
After I hurt myself I will continue to feel release and relief, probably until I fall asleep. Tomorrow morning I will be full of guilt and remorse, and wondering what to do next.
- Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Stressors are anniversary of Mom's death, and stroke in best friend today. There has to be a better way, but I don't know it.
- Do I need to hurt myself?
I'm not sure about either si-ing or using. I think I will try calling Crisis.
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.
