Before- really just a rant/ journal (SI)

[abbyfornow]

Can I just do it once? No, what will it help? It will help me to feel more in control. To feel no sadness. I want to. I need to. The urge is strong. Okay, what happened today to encourage this? Tough class that I taught. Yep, a little stressed about that. Yet, I have the urge to cry, Its welling up from within. If I allowed it and did not have to keep myself stable right now, I would cry. Yet, I am still at school and students are still likely to walk in even know school is over. That would not be good. So I constrain myself and that brings the urge to cut. I can express these feelings that way, It would not only minimize the pain inside, it would prove that I have control.

No, in the long run these feelings would just come back even though I SI. They will have to be dealt with another way or SI would just be consistent. Anyway, I don't want to have to tell my mom (really a friend who I call my mom). She asks me specifically every time I talk to her. She is my accountability partner on this. I always tell her the truth (when she asks). I will not lie to her and she knows it.

[balletomane]

It's a big step to realize that you need a different way to deal with the tough emotions. It took me a long time to get to that point. So you should be proud that you've made the first steps toward overcoming SI. I hope you are feeling better now.

[abbyfornow]

Thank you much!