slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.
- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes, this was last night.
- what had happened just before?
Nothing in particular. I had been fighting my urges.
- what were you thinking and feeling?
I was feeling terribly overwhelmed by feelings I didn't quite understand the origin of. I felt out of touch, out of focus, and slightly SU, only because everything hurt so much and I just wanted it to stop.
- why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I had been having urges that got stronger and stronger for a few days. I almost SIed at work, which I have never ever ever done before. Only stopped because I had locked myself in the bathroom and someone knocked on the door. I had told myself the night before that if I still wanted to hurt myself the next night, I could. I didn't feel like I could fight the urges anymore.
- how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I really don't know. I feel like I was completely out of control, so I'm not so sure I could have done something differently.
- were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I have been off my meds for almost two months. The nightmares started up again on Sunday, so I also had not been sleeping much for a few days. These issues will be addressed this week as I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday and my psychiatrist to sort out the medication on Friday. She will most likely prescribe me the sleep aid I was previously on, which will take care of the sleeping issue.
- what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
While I was working, I was a little more aggressive opening boxes (I work in a stockroom with a boxcutter - gr.) in the hopes that it would relieve the urges. Once home I worked on some knitting, put on my flannel pjs, watched TV, talked to someone about how I was feeling, posted on BUS, read through the "before" questions, and tried to cuddle with the cat. I don't feel like they worked very well because I was having trouble focusing on anything and, if they had really worked, I wouldn't have ended up cutting.
- in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
It helps for me to be with someone irl. Unfortunately, that isn't really an option for me at this point in time.
- name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I don't know what I can do since I can't be with someone irl. I don't live near my friends anymore.
- how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I think what led to my self injury is the fact that I have been in a major depressive episode. It is not resolved, I am still extremely depressed, but feeling slightly better than last night when I SIed. I have already taken steps to resolve this by make the appointments I have next week. I just need to get there.
- are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I most likely will be here again until I can get stabilized by my medications again. It is hard for me to recognize when it is happening until I am already here. Right now I am an emotional yoyo, so I know while I am up that I will come down again. Conversely, I know I will eventually come back up.
- what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I will contact my best friend.
I will force myself to keep working on my knitting project ("You can't put this down until you finish this pattern, knit two more inches, etc.")
I will try to keep playing the 24 Hour Game instead of giving in.
About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
- What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
I was so depressed and in so much emotional pain that I was starting to feel very slightly SU. I needed something to relieve it.
- Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
It was just there. I was miserable and no one was home.
- What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I always have opportunity. I spend most of my time alone.
- If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
I think it probably would have increased, because I tried to resist and fight and the urges just got worse.
- What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
It's usually about being alone, but I usually SI only when I am depressed. Does that constitute "right feeling"? I'm not sure.
- If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
Terribly frustrated, upset, angry.
Further Ruminations
I have been feeling a complete lack of control. Lack of control over my urges, my moods, parts of my life. This seems to be a running theme lately. While I can make small decisions to exert control, such as choosing to get up when my alarm goes or or refusing to take off my sweatshirt at work (it's against dress code), I feel like I have no control over things that really matter, like my emotions, my ED, and the general direction my life is taking.
I am also having trouble venting my emotions. Things have been building for weeks and weeks, and what I really need to do is cry, but I can't for some reason. When I SI, it relieves a little bit of what needs to come out by crying. And I can't figure out anything else that will do it.
I am starting back up with my therapist and psychiatrist regardless of cost (which is stressing me out) to try to get a handle on all of this. I want to fix this, I want to get better, and I want to understand what is going on.
Love,
Stevie
