my mum knows. referral

[marshmallowfluff]

i have been od'ing for a while now. my mum knows, not 100% how, but i have an idea.
so, i was made to go to the docs this morning and he made an emergency referral to the mental health team. someone phoned me and gave me the number for the crisis team and they're on about coming out to see me tomorrow if i have a bad session with my C (like hell they are. im going out tomorrow). Im not in danger of SU, im safe, and i dont intend to SU, though the doctor is treating it like i am going to SU today or put myself in hospital through SI. The woman who phoned kept raving on about how i need to phone the number if i feel bad, and she seemed shocked when she asked how i was feeling and i said "right now, im fine"
at the moment, im not really coping with the fact that:
theres a possibility my mum has been rooting through my stuff, possibly my bag. She has been through my stuff before. She regularly goes through my little sisters bag and has read my diary several times before;
my mum.. *knows*;
I stupidly gave the woman who phoned my C's number so they could talk about it, though my C doesnt know about the od'ing.

i dont know what to do to be able to cope with it all. i wasn't expecting all this. I have been ill, stomach pains, and my mu just sprung it on me this morning, at 10am, that i had a doctors appointment at 11am so i didnt even have time to get prepared and think about what i was going to say.
I want to SI, or smoke, which is bad cos i dont even smoke.
I have been ditracting myself with bus and playing games all afternoon.
Now its getting dark and nigh is drawing in, im running out of ideas of how to keep myself safe...
so, im not really a happy bunny at the mo
any ideas on how to cope? how to get through this? positive experiences? im kind of freaking out.
ta
sarah

[one out of none]

Hi,
Sorry I'm a bit useless at advice, but I just wanted to tell you that I've read your post and I'm really hoping that things get easier for you.

That's a difficult situation, I understand some of what you must be feeling because I had a similar experience myself. It's wierd when family members find out, because it's like this part of you that is buried deep, and having them find out is like someone standing up and telling all your secrets. But on a positive note, in my experience, it brought us closer together. There was a difficult period, but we got through it and now we're closer than we were before.

I'd just like to tell you that it can get better. I know that it can, and although you're going through a tough time now, there will come a time when it will be better and easier to cope.


I hope that it gets better for you soon, and take care.
(Here if you need anything and sorry again about the lack of anything useful or constructive)


edit: as regards distractions and such, is there anyone you can sit with or talk to? A friend or something that isn't a doctor type person? I understand that it's not the easiest but if you stay with people, maybe that would help. If that's not possible, I also find writing helpful, or watching non challenging sorts of films one after another to take my mind off things.

[StevieLynn]

*nods head fervently*

I always find not being alone is the best way to keep me safe. However, if that is not an option, try doing something with your hands. I knit. Maybe check out the paper crane thread and fold a few? Do you have a pet you can cuddle? Or if that all sounds like too much, curl up with a cup of tea and a book or movie.

I know, if you really aren't feeling well, doing any of that sounds like a tall order. I wish I could offer you a comforting experience, but, even after twelve years of SI, my family still doesn't know.

I really hope everything works out ok for you. Remember that your mother only wants the best for you, even if it doesn't feel that way. Also try to keep in mind that sometimes counselors don't differentiate between "hurting yourself" SI and "hurting yourself" SU. Try to get them to make themselves clear to you.

if you want it.

Love,
Stevie

[Licentia Poetica]

My mother used to go through my bag and other stuff. I still now lock it up everytime I'm not around, which is paranoid, and tiring and stupid. I guess.. it's awful that she invaded your privacy, and I can totally understand feeling awful about her knowing these things about you, and feeling like you can't trust people not to tell her.

However, it s true that she's probably just very concerned and worried, and ultimately it's good that people are keeping you safe at a time you perhaps cannot think clearly for yourself. OD'ing is serious. Even if you are not actively suicidal.. (ie wanting to not wake up) you CAN do yourself serious damage that could make your life a lot harder.. so it's a good thing that they are taking you seriously.

The best you can probably do now is just keep telling the truth about everything. Generally if you keep doing that, people will eventually believe you.. because it'll become apparant that what you're saying is the truth. Also of course, it's in your best interests to get help. If people (ie mother, C) know you are telling them the truth, they will trust you more, be less paranoid/ worried and believe you next time you tell them something.

In my experience.. (having felt like you do now) just.. wait it out. It will pass, things get easier to talk about, or more distant. Your mum will settle down and cope more, and you will too knowing she is. Hang in there.

[marshmallowfluff]

Thank you very much out of none, stevielynn and El for yor input. its much appreciated.

<hr>

am finding it a bit easier to deal with now, seeing as i have managed oget used to the thought of her knowing (dunno if i mentioned above, but i think she only thinks i've done it once, and that was with the intention of suicide)
have an appointment with some mental health person on wednesday. scary
talked to my C about what has happened. luckily she was nice about it and didnt seem judgemental, like usual she gave me her mobile number so i could get in touch if i needed to. she text me to tell me the person who had phoned me had phoned her also. not sure what was said, though.
sorry this doesnt make much sense
thanks again!
Sarah

[one out of none]

Hi,
I'm glad that it's getting a bit easier for you to come to terms with the idea that she knows. It will only keep on getting better with time.

Best of luck with your appointment on Wednesday. They are a little scary, but you'll get through it, just like you got through the other difficult things.

Wishing you all the best