Before... Again

[StevieLynn]

This helped the other day so I thought I'd try it again. I'd just do it on a word processing program, but I appreciate the feedback. Sometimes here clearer heads can prevail.

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

I don't know what's hiding behind the urge this time.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  If I hurt myself, I will feel more stable and I might be able to cry.
  
  
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It might allow me to cry. It will take away the panic and edginess I am feeling.
  
  
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I just want to feel better. Grounded. Not panicked. I'm not sure about the long run. Hurting myself will get me closer to how I want to feel right now.
  
  
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  I don't know how long relief will last. If it can bring me out of my panicked feeling, the relief might last a while.
  
  
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I don't know what else I can do. Yes, I have read lists of coping skills and I put a lot of them to use. I just don't think I can do any type of activity right now. Maybe I can wrap myself up in my blankets. I could use ice, or rubber bands. It might offer some temporary relief. I don't think it will last very long. I don't know what I will do then.
  
  
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  If I hurt myself I will feel guilty and worthless tomorrow. If I snuggle down in bed or use ice or rubber bands, I will be pleased that I fought through my urges.
  
  
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

What I really want to do is cry an be held. But I can't. I can look for comfort that I can give myself.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I feel I need to hurt myself because I am feeling panicky and I feel like it will focus me and calm me down. I don't know why I feel this way; my day in general was ok.
  
  
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I have been in similar situations, but not quite where I am right now. I went to a friend's and slept on her living room floor, where I felt safe.
  
  
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I have read and posted on BUS. I have played a number of silly games. I have checked my email, watched TV, and tried to eat dinner. I have watched my cat play and allowed myself to curl up into a ball. I don't feel up to any activities right now so I don't know what else I can do that won't hurt me.
  
  
• How do I feel right now?
  
  So scared that I am sick to my stomach
  
  
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Relieved, I think.
  
  
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I will feel guilty, very very guilty
  
  
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I don't know what the stressor is, so how can I avoid it?
  
  
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I feel like I do need to, but I am telling myself that I don't.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[Smeagol]

Hi Stevie,

Firstly, be proud. I can see from the afters that you did hurt yourself, but the insight you show in answering these posts is very important. You might have hurt yourself this time, but you're well on teh way to not being able to. To be able to recognise that you can look for way sto comfort yourself when what you really want is for somebody else to do it is fantastic. It's such a big step. And if you can learn to do it, so empowering. I won't deny that being comforted is great, but to be aware that you don't *need* others to do it is excellent.

But back to the questions...

Anxiety sucks. It's horrible. particularly when it's groundless. Something that works for me sometimes is just repeating over and over "I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay". Just saying it and making it the only thought in my mind. I'd suggest making yourself cosy, but you already though of that.

You say you played silly games, is there anything else that would focus your mind? Some people do colouring - I do scraperfoils with the radio on. Something mindless that nonetheless takes up your concentration. Did you try curling up in bed and getting warm? If I can ride it out being in bed often makes me dozy and I drift off, which is some relief at least.

[StevieLynn]

Thanks, Smeagol. You're good at giving me things to think about, and I really appreciate that.

I have found when I start to feel urges or I start to get panicky, the first thing I do is try to comfort myself. It's hard, but I'm learning. I don't live near any of my friends anymore, so I have to depend on me, which is probably a good thing.

Yes, anxiety is terrible. And one of the first things I do when I start to feel butterflies in my stomach is the mantra "You're ok, you're ok, you're ok" just like you suggested. Sometimes it works.

Well, I have a bunch of little activities that I do. Magazine collages and knitting are two of my favorites. I was just at the point where I couldn't do any activities. I'm thinking about starting a new journal. Maybe writing everything out before I get to the point where I feel like I can't do anything will help.

I guess the only thing to do is keep working, keep using the things that work, stop the things that don't, and try to replace those with new things. I just gotta keep trying.

Thanks for the feedback.

Love,
Stevie

[Smeagol]

I don't live near any of my friends anymore, so I have to depend on me, which is probably a good thing.

That's really hard, I had that when my friends all graduated and I stayed in town. Can you try to make new friends? They don't have to be soulmates, but someone who you can ring up when you're feeling down and say "hey, let's go and do x!". Are there any organised activities you like like sports or music or drama? I tell you, when my friends left I was so cold-nosed about it. I forced myself to go to dance classes every night so that I was getting out and meeting people, and I forced myself to accept invites, and I very calculatedly invited people back. Didn't feel like it, didn't necessarily enjoy it, but I went out of my way to try and make new contacts.

I guess the only thing to do is keep working, keep using the things that work, stop the things that don't, and try to replace those with new things. I just gotta keep trying.

I thnk you're right and you do have to keep trying. It *is* hard. I'm not going to deny that. But every time you don't si that's a victory. Could you reward yourself for not si-ing (next day or something?) or keep a chart on the wall with stars for days where you don't si. I'm suggesting this so that you can see yourself making progress and you can feel proud, even when you want to give up. And, as a random idea, would it help if you set limits on your si? So maybe you say, right, I'm not going to si more than once a week. Then move it to every two weeks, and so on? Would that give you the release when it builds up without feeling guilty, and yet be an incentive not to hurt yourself because you want to save it in case anything else happens? I'm not advocating self-injury, I'm just throwing out ideas in case there's anything that can help you persevere even when it's hard.