before

[Binayshee]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

i’ll feel relieved temporarily

• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

well if i do it, i know i’ll feel this feeling of relief and gratification, but i know i’ll be really really disappointed with myself and angry at myself. and i’ll feel hopeless, like “whats the use” when i’ve been kicking ass lately with taking care of myself and making progress with stuff. i will feel reduced to a lower level.

• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i want to feel proud of myself and like i did it, i defeated this thing that has made me feel helpless and loss of control for so many years

• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

just until i’m done then the rage at myself and disappointment will come

• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i dont know. i think i’m scared because i felt really happy today and i went to therapy and talked about how much better i’ve been feeling/doing this week and all these good things i’m doing to take care of myself. i talked about my plan for the future, what i plan to do about moving forward, and i think maybe that scared me because like i said, i had a good day, i was happy. so i think talking about moving forward scared me. its very uncomfortable. also, tomorrow will be 21 days s.i. free and they say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. i’m not sharing that because i firmly believe that if anyone can do 21 days then they got it made, its because its a “milestone” of sorts for me, and tomorrow’s my birthday and i guess i’m just not used to being good to myself. in addition to 20 days s.i. free, i have been eating right, excercising, doing more fun things, working on my relationships, reaching out, i’m doing a cleanse to take care of my health. and i actually liked the way i looked today in the mirror. i think its success that is freaking me out maybe. i dunno but i started crying when i wrote the part about my birthday so i think some sh*t is coming up. i have a hard time with birthdays and occasions where i am supposed to be special.

[Smeagol]

Hi Helika

It sounds like you've got a handle on what's happening and you don't really want to si, even though you've got the urge to.

Is there something else you can do to help you feel better about being scared, like curl up with a book under some blankets? Do something reassuring to make you feel safe. Change is scary, it's totally okay to be scared.

And birthdays can really suck. they're days when you're supposed to feel happy and loved and wanted and special and...well, it's rotten if you don't.

Good on your for taking care of yourself. Have you thought of starting a please be healthy thread to help you keep up with that? I'm trying to exercise more and eat more healthily and I've started a thread to get ideas and encouragement.

[Binayshee]

thanks smeagol

i f*cked up

[Smeagol]

You hurt yourself? That's okay. I mean, it's not what you wanted, but it's okay. It doesn't mean that next time you won't. Would it help to answer the after questions?

[Binayshee]

hi, thanks. i think i can see the things that led up to it.
i am feeling a lot better today. i have discovered that the
si really activates another issue i have, body dysmorphic
disorder. so i think i need to stay completley out of the
mirror for a little while. thank you for answering..