Feeling Overwhelmed

[StevieLynn]

Hi, everyone. I decided to join this website because I have been feeling distinctly overwhelmed lately. I have been SIing for 12 years, but I haven't cut since Aug 20th and would like to keep it that way. Lately, though, it feels like cutting is the only thing that will make me feel better.

I do it because it is easier for me to feel physical pain than it is to feel emotional pain. So I try to deal with the emotional pain. I went to therapy until I found out that my health insurance wasn't covering it. I tried talking to friends, but one just tells me to go to the hospital, and another says she doesn't think she's the right person to help me with this. I respect their boundaries, but I need someone.

I have tried so many different coping mechanisms. I bought myself new flannel sheets and new comfy PJs so I can snuggle down in my bed and feel comforted. I bought a season of my favorite TV show on DVD so I can be distracted. I find games and quizzes on line to occupy myself. I read my Bible and pray. I take the dog for a walk. I cuddle with my cat. But I feel like none of this is helping. I suppose it is, because I have been feeling like this for several days and have not cut yet, but I feel like the feelings are getting more intense.

I am exposed to triggers on a daily basis. I work in a stockroom so I constantly have a boxcutter in my pocket. One of my coworkers contantly talks about her troubled daughter who SIs. I hate my job. I live with my father and am terribly intimidated by him, as he abused me when I was growing up.

I feel like these things are threatening to consume me, take over my world. I don't know if I am strong enough to continue without SIing, even though I desperately want to be. I hate the scars on my arms and I don't want more.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I've read lists upon lists of coping skills and have gleaned what I think I can from them, but I would really like to hear any suggestions that anyone might have. How do I get through this?

Love,
Stevie

[plantt]

call everyone you can think of in the area & ask about sliding-scale, low-income, etc therapy options for people w/o insurance.
call your old therapist, call local hospitals, call the local crisis line, call local therapy clinics, etc....

[briochick]

You sound a lot like me. I like you already. *hugs if you want it*
I would agree about the therapist thing, or a crisis hotline.
If you ever want to talk then send me a message. I'm good at responding quickly. I'm sorry you're living with your dad. That must be very hard. When I'm at home it's always hard for me.

Talk to someone if you can. When things are bad for me, and I think of it, I have a friend who I can usually go hang out with. I hang out with her until I'm so tired I just want to sleep and I forget to si.

I'm so proud of you for not cutting since Aug 20th. That's awesome! I wish it was that long for me. It sounds to me like you are very strong! I know you can do it (that is, that you can resist si-ing). But, know that even if you don't, it's not the end of the world).

I'm not sure if this helped, but I hope it did.