Fading fast

[ellynjourdain]

The moderator from the Nest suggested that I post here for suggestions on how to handle my downward spiral......

I thought that I was going to be able to handle things, but my depression is getting worse now. I don't sleep and the cutting is happening more. The more depressed I get the deeper I feel I need to go. I am so angry and hurt and frustrated. Last night, well this morning I wanted to pack a bag and leave or take the pills I had in the night stand-of course I didnt do either--I just went into the bathroom and cut. I cant go on like this anymore, I dont know what to do.....maybe it would be better if I went away. I need to find a way to handle this or it is going to completely destroy me. People are starting to see the changes in me and I dont know how much longer my cutting will be kept a secret. I am so tired-physically and mentally--I need to sleep, maybe tonight...
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NobodyToYou
forum moderator - life after SI



Joined: 12 Feb 2005
Posts: 4077
Location: USA
Posted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 7:07 pm Post subject:

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Sorry things are so hard. It does sound like you are reaching the end of your rope and really need things to improve.
Is there anyone that you can talk to? A T, family member, or a friend you could trust? You sound like you are feeling very alone. I hope coming here can help that somewhat, but you may also need someone IRL (or several someones).
Even if you can't really tell them what is going on, would it be ok to tell them you are having a hard time and ask for something that might help? (a hug, a trip to the movies, a tub of ice cream and people to eat it with, things like that?)
I hope it gets easier for you and that you can get some sleep. Sleep always seems to make coping a bit easier for me.

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ellynjourdain
one of us



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 17
Location: Milwauke, Wisconsin
Posted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 7:37 pm Post subject:

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Thank you for responding....

I have already started isolating myself. I don't have insurance for another week so I can't go and see anyone. I really do not have any friends down here, they are either co workers or just acquantinces (SP). My cousin has confronted me on the SIing so she knows that I am doing it, but she doesn't know how bad it is getting. I can't tell her. I cant let my family know as they will cause more trouble between my husband and I. My husband has no clue, he just thinks I am moody; and I will never tell him. I need to solve this on my own, but I dont know how. My self destructive behavior is getting worse-cutting, not sleeping, not eating, not drinking fluids except for a rum and coke and water to take pills with. My coworkers are seeing the changes, but they dont know what is happening to me. I tell them this or that just so that they will leave me alone. People always think I can handle everything-if they only knew that deep down I am a fragile piece of glass that is getting more cracks in it day by day and is about to shatter. I am open for any suggestions you may have. Please.....
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rainy day
forum moderator - the nest



Joined: 26 Jan 2003
Posts: 49996
Location: castleford
Posted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 7:48 pm Post subject:

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I'm really sorry your feeling this way and i hope things pick up for you very soon. I'm here if you need someone to talk to anytime.
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leemc77
just plain inspiring



Joined: 08 Jun 2006
Posts: 7819
Location: Virginia, USA
Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 5:00 am Post subject:

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I'm sorry things are rough for you right now. I certainly understand the depression you are suffering through right now because I'm there too. Please let me know if I can do anything. Thinking of you. Take care.

Leeanna


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plantt
forum moderator emeritus



Joined: 15 Jun 2002
Posts: 14417

Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 7:31 am Post subject:

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doesn't sound like you're doing much helpful to deal with the depression.
sorry you're dealing with that because it utterly sucks.
i do hope you're finding more productive ways to deal with it than those mentioned.

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magicmum
forum moderator - the nest



Joined: 20 Aug 2004
Posts: 2514
Location: tasmania Age: 53
Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 11:31 am Post subject:

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Nesters can give you love and support anytime you need it but I really think you need to post in Coping as well, or Main for some more insights on how to deal with your depression.

I think you may be underestimating your husband - he is bound to know that there is something seriously wrong. Maybe you could give him a chance to help you ? It's what partners are for

Please try to stay safe, be gentle with yourself.

love and peace
magicmum
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ellynjourdain
one of us



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 17
Location: Milwauke, Wisconsin
Posted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 6:19 pm Post subject:

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My husband knows that things are wrong, but he wont talk about it. When I tried to discuss things, he told me that I was the one who had to find a way to deal with things-he wont go to counseling or talk to a minister or anything like that--it is my problem. It was after that that I began cutting-I felt that I didnt have anywhere to turn-all of the pain and anger had to go somewhere. The man that was suppose to be my partner, friend, lover, and the person I was suppose to lean on and trust in and believe in--well he isnt the person I thought he was and that hurts so bad. How does one deal with finding out that what you were told before you got married was a lie? I have a right to be angry. I want to yell and scream and cry and ask him why-why would you do this to me? why would you lie to me? He had no right to keep things from me that would impact our life together. I know that I have to get over this-pull myself up by the boot straps and deal with things. I know that I have to "turn lemons into lemonade" and all of that. I just dont know how to deal with all of the hurt and anger that is inside of me except for doing what I am doing. Talking isnt going to help and I know that drinking won't either. I have to grieve for the marriage and the life that I was told/thought I would have, and figure out a way to be happy with the life I have been given.

As for my lack of doing anything constructive regarding the depression and such, yes a part of me doesnt care but another part does. I am trying to deal with things-I didnt have my drink yesterday and I tried to take some natural things to help me sleep instead of the sleeping pills. I ate something last night. I still cry myself to sleep, but I only cut once yesterday. Maybe I can limit the self destructive behaviors to just cutting-that is easier to hide than the others.

I am being selfish-maybe I dont have a right to be angry or hurt, maybe I deserve this. Maybe if I was a better person, he wouldnt have lied to me. Maybe I am the one that needs to be more understanding and caring. Maybe he is right-he doesnt see it as a problem only I do, so I guess it is my problem. I am so confused....

[syn]

There are a couple of things I think you need to do, open up to someone in your life about how're you're feeling, not necessarily about the SI. This is important because you are isolating and that only perpetuates the downward spiral. You don't need to say everything all at once take it step by step.

Also you probably should get into treatment as soon as that health insurance kicks in. Treatment sounds very important at this point, but I know you can't get it right now so some other things you can do.

It's helpful to write a list of comforting things to do, reading, watching TV, etc, etc. Keep that list on you and promise yourself you'll try two or three things on that list before you SI.

[ellynjourdain]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and well wishes. I truly do appreciate it.

I keep telling myself that I will get over this-I just need to not think about-throw myself into my work. Last night my mom called me-told me that she is worried about me. I tried to sound as happy as I could and told her everything is fine and that she doesnt have to worry about me because Im ok. She is 71 years old-the last thing I need is for her to get sick because of me--I couldnt handle being the cause of her being sick. My cousin came over and we went and played pool. I asked her why did she talk to my mom. She told me that she was scared that I would SI to much or something, I told her that I wasnt going to die from my SI. I told her that she doesnt have to worry about me ending my life ( I made the mistake of allowing her to find out about the SI, I wont make that mistake again; I have caused her enogh pain). If I decide to go further, no one would know until it would be to late. It would be best that way. When she left I went on line to try and figure out if other people are haveing the same marriage issues as I am. I found out that Im not alone, however there was no positive information available. It was like a punch in the gut-I thought someone somewhere would have something good to say to give me a little bit of hope, but no matter how many web sites I went to, how much I read there was nothing. I wrote a post asking for some type of positive feedback and then all of a sudden all I could do was cry. I have never cried like that before-the tears wouldnt stop. I was afraid that the people upstairs would hear me so I turned the shower on and some music-I didnt want them coming down to find out what was wrong or them calling my husband. I started to SI, but that just made me cry more-I didnt get the relief I usually do-which made me feel like even more of a failure. The sleeping pills finally kicked in and I curled up in a ball and fell asleep. This morning I got up, hid my pajamas, and went to work. Today is my last day until January, so tomorrow I can sleep in--at least I hope.

Thank you again for keeping me in your thoughts and I am sorry if I have become a bother or anything like that.