Things are starting to go downhill again....

[under_pressure]

Right now i am a mess.
That seems to be a fairly good starting description. the last time i si'd was in august, so i've made it a long way. longer than i've ever managed to go before in the last 3 years. the thing is, when i stopped things got really good all of a sudden, but then my boyfriend of 1 year and i broke up and it was really messy. we completely stopped talking, and i focussed all my energy on hating him and hooking up with countless other guys. at the time hooking up with the other guys gave me some kind of self assurance that i could be "loved". so 3 days ago i sent that ex boyfriend a message apologising for basically everything that had gone wrong as i felt it was entirely my fault due to my self harm. surprisingly he messaged back and i called him the next day and we had a one hour phone conversation, and he has a new girlfriend who he's been with for 2 months. problem is because i'm such a mess i really feel like he's the only person i can turn to because he knows me so well...hardly any of my friends know about my past and i really don't want to have to explain everything to them. its made things really bad right now, i really don't want to slip back into old habits but walking past a pair of scissors or anything sharp right now is a big problem... my doctor did refer me to a psychologist in august but my parents didn't think it was necessary for me to go (i came clean to them about everything in a letter). so now i'm just stuck, i feel like i have noone to talk to. the one person i truly loved is now with someone else and can't help me anymore.
i'm so sorry this is such a rambly post, i just need an opinion from someone on what to do...or how to cope with the constant urges after you've stopped. i can't keep going on like this and i've realised that, i just don't know how to stop it....

[Spidey]

after time it gets easier. it just...takes forever. in the meantime try hard to come up with new coping mechanisms. keep talking here. or to your ex if he can. tell your parents that you really, really want help.

there is a way out. it just takes time.