- have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes, it was actually a few days ago.
- what had happened just before?
I was playing a video game and my sister was next to me on the computer. She was listening to some music and a song came on that just sounded beautiful and sad to me at the same time. I made up my mind and took the CD with me.
- what were you thinking and feeling?
I was so excited to be doing this again. It's been a long, long time since I did. I felt very nostalgic, calm, and happy. I was also very sad, I cried immediately, tears of 'joyful grief'.
- why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I don't feel that the events preceding the SI were final straws. I can handle much worse. But there were definitely preceding events.
- how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
My boyfriend and I got in a tuff and he left me at the mall. (I had driven -- he started walking home, at night.) This caused an even bigger fight.
- were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I was up late, trying to fight urges, when perhaps I should have just gone to bed. I think perhaps I wanted to sort through some of my feelings rather than going to bed and forgetting about the whole situation. I had forgotten to take my Effexor that morning, but had taken it that afternoon, so I don't think that really had an effect. I was emotionally exhausted after fighting though.
- what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I let myself cry and yell the entire ride home in the car. I also told my boyfriend how angry I was at him for leaving me at the mall, instead of holding that in.
After I got home and the urges were strong, I played around on the computer for a while. I also played a video game. These strageies worked well -- I had even forgot about the urges. However, when that song came back on, the idea popped back up.
- in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Perhaps I should have gone to bed. But like I said, I wanted to deal with the feelings and thoughts I was having about my relationship. What I really should have done was gone and talked to someone -- my sister, my mother, a friend.
- name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Answering these questions, or the before questions.
Talk to a friend, or at least journal if that's to difficult.
- how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
The situation of the fight is over, but the situation of the relationship and it's continual problems are not. I don't nkow what I'm going to do about that. I'm not sure what to do. I suppose the wise idea is to break up with this boy, but I think fear of that is what ultimately led me to self-harm.
- are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yes. Now that I have slipped up, I am much more urgy than normal. It will be easy to recognize, because there will be an argument starting with my boyfriend and I. I just need to be aware that I have other options other than self-harm.
- What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
The fact that I had this beautiful music at my disposal.
- Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
I wasn't looking for the opportunity. I had forgotten about wanting to SI, until the song came on.
- What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I would not have remembered, and probably gone to bed frustrated but SI free.
- If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
It would have slowly decreased.
- What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
The right feeling, being alone, private, personal space and time.
- If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
A little disappointed, but I would easily get over that.
- Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
Not right before, but when I first started to get the urge earlier that night, yes I tried to identify them. Actually no; I didn't identify them, I just wondered what they were. I wasn't able to figure out what they were. I have a difficult time idtenifying thesse things sometimes.
- How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
I think I can work on identifying my feelings, and addressing them directly. I can also work on identifying what I want and what I need. I should probably work on recognizing when my needs are not being met.
