before

[sockr28]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

i will feel as though i have control over something in my life

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

it will bring embarrassment and guilt. it will take away feeling of uselessness and hopelessness and feeling of out of control.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i want direction, and control of everything, depression. depends on how i look at it.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

probably only short term. want to SI again.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

i wish that i knew the answer. it seems that nothing i do helps when i feel this way. i have no other coping mechanisms (besides alcohol).

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

i will probably feel guilty and shameful about the SI, but i might feel better about other things.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

because the depression has taken total control of my life and i cant seem to get past it.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

yes. usually nothing healthy. lots of time drink. good at first, then guilty.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

try to distract myself. do something to occupy my mind.

* How do I feel right now?

depressed and hopeless

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

in control.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

cant avoid it. it is my life. working on dealing with it better, but nto making any progress so far.

* Do I need to hurt myself?

maybe.

[Smeagol]

This might sound stupid, but when you feel like this is there any scope for you trying to view not hurting yourself as an instance of control? I empathise with the need for control (and that's a lot of the reason behind why I self-injure), but I wondered whether not hurting yourself could make you feel more in control if you try to view it as a positive choice, a "I feel like shit but I am not going to hurt myself" thing.

Failing that (because I know that the logic of it doesn't always help me), is there anythign else you can do to assert control? It could be small, like painting your nails or tidying your room. Or, you say depression has taken over your life: can you find an area of life and say "sod it, I'm doing this anyway"? Like go back to an old club, or start a new hobby. Something to assert that life may be sucking right now and you finding it hard, but that that's NOT your whole life.

[sockr28]

i think that you make very good points. i had never thought about not SIing as a form of control. I always viewed it as a way to kind of contorl my emotions. i will have to think of it that way from now on, or at least try!

i agree that it isnt my whole life that is sucking. sometimes the depression just gets so bad that it kind of "blurrs my vision" and i cant see the good that is here.

i really want to thank you for bringing up these points. it is always nice to get a fresh perspective on things. hopefully i can use this to my advantage.

[Smeagol]

i agree that it isnt my whole life that is sucking. sometimes the depression just gets so bad that it kind of "blurrs my vision" and i cant see the good that is here.

I really understand this bit! That's what's so hard - when things feel so hopeless. And that's why I suggested doing something which positively asserted that there's at least one bit of life which is in your control. I've always found *doing* something easier than writing positive lists. Of course that might be worth trying as well, in case it does work for you.

I'm glad I could help a bit.

take care