Before You Self-Harm
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel relaxed and at ease. I will feel like the inevitable has happened at last and I can sleep.
- what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
I will be able to fill my arm up just a bit more (I know that's stupid but it's really angering me now). I want to do it so badly. I don't have a good reason - I just feel so tense.
I guess it will take away my ability to wear short sleeves in my flat, or anywhere.
- how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't seem to be able to think about the long run. I want to cope with my course at uni, and I want to get a job eventually in TV production - but I'm not sure that hurting myself will affect those two things directly.
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will probably last till the morning at least. THen i have to go into hospital for a lumbar puncture and so I will be very very distracted.
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could go and chat to my flatmates. But I think that will make me feel more jittery in the long run because we will all still have to go to bed at some point. I don't think it would alter my eventual intentions.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
TOmorrow I will feel very scared that at the hospital someone will notice my arm, if they force me to take my jumper off. I will feel guilty and generally horrid. If I go and chat to my flatmates, I will feel guilty (but less so, I guess) about taking up their time.
- what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really really want to si now. but I will try and wait. I could go out of my room and try and find a flatmate to hug.
Meh - not sure if anything makes any sense.
Jenni
