before

[JustMe118]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It won't. I still won't have the promotion, I still won't be able to go live at home, I'll still feel like I don't matter.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

Something. I just need to do something to calm down. It'll distract me from feeling like a worthless POS.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel like I matter. And that I can be someone they can fall back on at work. But apparently I'm not. They probably think that I'm just as worthless as my parents think. They're not going to find out that I SI. So I don't think it will affect the situation either way.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It varies. Somedays it lasts until it heals. Sometimes it lasts for an hour. A day. A week. When it doesn't work anymore? Well maybe I'll do it again. Maybe I'll talk to somoene.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I've over talked and over analyzed the situation. I've talked to too many people about it today. Some more in dpeth than others. None of it changed the situation. Some of the conversations helped, some made it worse. I really just want to know why. Yes I probably could distract myself with one of the 800 coping mechanisms. But I want an answer and I want to talk to someone who has an answer... and distracting myself isn't going to get me an answer. So I really don't know.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If i hurt myself... tomorrow I'll proabblyl still feel like it was worth it. However, this weekend... when I'm supposed to go lay out in the sun with my friend... I'll be fuckin pissed at myself.
I didn't come up with another thing. for the last 7 hours, I've talked to a bunch of people and held off that long.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

What do I really want to do right now? Go scream at my manager. And quit my job. But I can't do either of those. I don't get the second question.



urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer


* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

The fact that I'm not good enough for anyone, or to do anything right was pretty much proved to me today. It just hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore. I can't do this. I hate it.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I don't know the last time that I felt this worthless and upset. I really don't. It's been a couple of years.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've called and talked to numerous friends and co-workers. They all know I'm upset and understand why I'm upset. It's helped and it hasn't. I tried to eat dinner but I couldn't I felt sick to my stomach. Now it's late.

* How do I feel right now?

Lost. Worthless. Pathetic. Like I don't matter. Un-Noticed. Not appreciated. Hurt. Angry. Jealous.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Still just as lost, worthless and pathetic. But I think I can redirect the hurt and anger.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

It's different every time. But I think it will help tonight, and probably tomorrow too. After that I'm going to regret it because I'm supposed to go on vacation this weekend and go swimming and tanning and stuff.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I can't avoid it. I don't know if I can deal with it better. I just got upset. And I really feel like me being upset was/is justified. I did not get upset in front of my GM, and that was good. But I don't know. I think so far I handled it as good as can be expected.

* Do I need to hurt myself?

That's a good question.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

[tattybluetrees]

Hi. I hope it's okay for mee to reply to you, and I hope that by the time you read this you are feeling better.

The first thing I would say is that, odd as it sounds, how other people think about you, even how they act and talk to you, is not a measure of how you are. I don't know your situation so I don't know if people *do* think you're worthless. Assuming for a moment that they do (and I don't mean to say that I think they do or even might- this is a sort of worst case scenario) then do you think that actually makes you worthless? What they think are just that- thinkings, thoughts. They aren't true or real, they are just thoughts. They aren't true just because someone else is thinking them, or even acting on them. Imagine that I was you- if I said someone was treating me badly, would you think that I was therefore a bad person? Just something worth thinking about.

Yes I probably could distract myself with one of the 800 coping mechanisms. But I want an answer and I want to talk to someone who has an answer... and distracting myself isn't going to get me an answer. So I really don't know.

I don't mean this to be unkind, and I hope you don't mind me being a little blunt, but if none of these distractions will give you an answer then SI wont- it's just another distraction and from what you say wont get you any nearer your goal. I recognise that SI has an incredibly powerful pull, but aside from that, what will SI acheive in this situation that another distraction wont?

I think whatever happened you should be pleased with yourself that you held off for seven hours, and that you talked to people *first*. Distracting for that long isn't in any way easy, and even if you did end up hurting yourself, that doesn't make it any less of an achievement.

I hope some of what I have said is useful to you, and I hope that you are alright. It sounds like you are in a really tough situation- FWIW the situations I find it hardest not to SI in are the ones where I can't actually do anything to solve the problem- even though I know SI wont actually help it feels to me very strongly that it will. So you have my sympathy.

Tatty[/quote]

[JustMe118]

Thanks for the advice, I was okay last night. And calmed down cosiderably today after talking to our district manager. He helped me to understand a lot of things about the situation, and I'm okay now.

Thanks again for the response.