if you have OD'd i need to talk to you *su*

Post by **Spidey** » Sat Aug 05, 2006 7:46 am

if you are concerned, get your blood drawn and ask for a liver function test next time you see your doctor.

Peege · Post by **Peege** » Mon Oct 23, 2006 3:59 pm

*bump*

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Oct 23, 2006 4:22 pm

Erm, I've never had any damage from OD'ing.

But, I have had to see my Mum's face afterwards. She was crying, and deeply upset ... I felt so ashamed, and disappointed in myself

Some quite scary stories here

teacupfaery · Post by **teacupfaery** » Wed Nov 01, 2006 12:16 am

Reading these posts made me cry. I have never ODed (though I have held it as back-up plan, stupidly assuming it will kill me) but I have seem my partner OD. I have called the ambulance, taken him to the hospital. Tried to keep him awake while nurses far to busy to care about another OD case give him such horrible looks. Try to persuade him to drink charcoal even as hes throwing it up again. I tasted it, it really does taste like hell. Sitting in ER all night listening to make sure hes still breathing. Having to walk him home the next morning because I didn't think to bring money for a taxi. They treated him so horribly that night, it really changed my views of hospital. It isn't worth it.

Post by **swirlish** » Wed Nov 01, 2006 12:37 am

I don't know if I posted in this thread a few years ago. I might have. I just wanted to add something.

It's been more than 3,5 years since my last major OD. I'm still acutely aware of what it has done to my mother, that and all the other times I harmed myself or were going to. Everytime I talk to her and I'm doing bad, I hear the panic in her voice. Everytime she calls me and I'm not home, I know what she is thinking: Is my daughter unconcious on the floor? Is she cutting right now? Is she dead or dying and I don't know about it? Every time. If I say that I have done something stupid (bumped my head in the wall or whatever) I hear her reaching for her car keys as she whispers: What have you done? When I tell her about the bumped head, I hear the tears and the relief in her voice. I talked to her about suicidality a while ago and I asked her "But mum, you know I'm not suicidal anymore, don't you?" She said "Well.. no. I don't know that. And I can't know that." I tried to reassure her, I tried to say that I haven't felt like wanting to die in over two years, but I realized while I was talking that I can't. There is nothing whatsoever I can tell my mother to make her believe that I'm not going to kill myself. There probably won't be for a long, long time. She can't afford that peace of mind. A few years ago, her fears were reality. They're not paranoid and unfounded. A few years ago, an unanswered phonecall *could* mean that I was unconcious on the floor. A few years ago, it was vital for my mother to jump in her car and let herself into my apartment if she couldn't reach me. That was her reality and I can never, ever change that.

friarygirl · Post by **friarygirl** » Wed Nov 01, 2006 12:55 am

Mian. What can I say. I'm sitting here crying after reading that. How can you read my mind, understand how *I* feel, with such clarity?

I just want you to know that you shouldn't feel guilty for how you and your Mum had to cope with your suicidality though. It was undoubtedly awful for your Mum, it IS awful if your daughter is suicidal and acts on it. BUT, it was awful for you too. Its something you've come through together, not something you've "done" to each other, OK? She loves you, you love her, and you'll both be stronger for that love, regardless of the past.

I hope anyone reading this thread who may feel that nobody really loves them will read what Mian wrote and really feel the love between her mother and her, and its power to accept and support. You may indeed feel nobody loves you, and it may not matter to you if you're feeling SU. I know my daughter must have felt completely alone so many times - but I love her and care for her as much as anyone could ever love any other person. It's not always easy to see, or cope with, a fundamental love like that between parent and child. But it's there, for most of us. And I cannot think of a more harrowing thing for a mother to deal with than learning that her most beloved child has tried to kill themselves. Even if you don't *feel* loved, chances are that you are. Very much. You are very precious to somebody.

Sarah

moo-moo · Post by **moo-moo** » Fri Nov 03, 2006 8:18 am

wow. That was alot of info to take in. I just read it, so i cant get hel, and i wouldnt have if i had read i earlier. Adn it wasnt that much, it wasnt the firat time i did it, and i am really sorry about the numbera, but i was a bit out of it. so yeah, i wont cut, because now i know that someone cares, and that i am worth fighting for. Um....dorry o make you nervous, didnt realze it qould hve this affect on anyone. Man, now i am in trouble. sorry for m stupidness. I am not going to school tomorrow, cause i need to get my energy back, so yeah. sorry to worry you, i will just try to hold off the urge until tomorrow.

marshmallowfluff · Post by **marshmallowfluff** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 8:17 pm

I will never take as many as i did that day ever again.

I took them before college, had to leave college early because i kept wanting to throw up, but i couldnt. I was shaking so much I couldnt stand up. I was so dizzy i felt like i was gonna faint, even when i was sat down. I didnt tell anyone, but i wish i would have. It wasn't a suicide attempt, it was just another way of hurting myself. I knew i hadn't taken enough to kill me, just enough to make me ill. But I will never do it again. I'd hate to think how my mum would feel if she found out.

K8ty · Post by **K8ty** » Sun Nov 12, 2006 6:07 pm

I OD'd a while ago.. and it was really bad. I do not remember an entire week of time, my husband drove me to the hospital.. and went through check in, but by the time I actually got to a dr, I was "lethargic and unresponsive".

I hallucinated, was restrained to a bed for *days*.. and while I remember very little of it, I see the fear in my husbasnd a lot.

I still have health issues because of it, my BP is unstable, and I have other stuff.. it's not just over and done with like I thought it would be if it didn't work.

The most annoying part is after.. I'm asked daily if I'm suicidal. It didn't change anything, the situation is still the same.. and I just feel worse although things are slowly turning around as I get help..

I've also been on the other side and had people I love attempt/ commit suicide.. and it's just this huge fear.. knowing that I almost lost them. And in a few cases I did lose them, and I don't really understand why.

Especially with my Mom.. I know that anything could push her over the edge. She's attempted so many times in the past.. and I feel guilty, but it's really hurt my ability to have a relationship with her. I always feel as if I'm walking on eggshells, trying not to make her upset.

Post by **Spidey** » Wed Nov 29, 2006 9:22 pm

I am going to say something that will sound dramatic but is actually very truhful:

For those who attempt suicide, and succeed, their pain is over. But for the survivors, their agony has just begun.

And it lasts. For a long time. A very long time. Forever.

Aly · Post by **Aly** » Wed Nov 29, 2006 10:06 pm

That is very true Pink Spider...

But, I think, for some people, after they OD'd and if they came close but still survived, although the pain continues and although it gets worse, it can often be the thing to stop you wanting to go back there.

Certainly for me, when I woke up in hosp. after taking an overdose, when I had to see my parents it hit me that I -never- wanted to be there again.

When I had to tell my sister what I'd done. When I told her I was scared cos I felt awful and dizzy and weak and faint, it was appaling. And I knew I never wanted that again. When the ambulance came and they were worried about me, in the few minutes before I blacked out, in few seconds I got to see my parents faces before I blacked out, I was so scared that I actually might die. Because it occured to me that if I died, that would be it. And actually, dying isn't better.

I'm not saying it's like that for everyone. Not at all.

But I think for some people, it shows them how much they value life.

It's cheesy and it's cliched, but actually, good things do come from truly awful things.

Having someone you know commit suicide can make you more determined to keep yourself alive sometimes as well.

So it's true that the agony, at times, only just begins when they survive. It can also give people more strength, and more resolve...

Just my thoughts...

Post by **Spidey** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:41 am

I totally agree with you.

I should clarify my statement to say the survivors - meaning the families of completed suicides.

WHOOPS on my part =/

_MessedUp_ · Post by **_MessedUp_** » Thu Nov 30, 2006 12:23 pm

i think with what happened to me (i posted it a few pages back somewhere) made me realise that even though i hated myself and didn't want to live, my family never stopped loving me. Its not the pain i went through, or the fear i felt that stops me from doing it again, its the memory of seeing the look of hurt and fear in my mums eyes when i told her what i'd done.

I never want to see that look again.

Reading through the stories people have shared really puts the whole screwed up fantasy that "if i OD it will be like falling asleep" into perspective and shows it for what it really is.

the_lady_in_black · Post by **the_lady_in_black** » Sat Dec 02, 2006 3:23 am

ive never od'd to the point of being in a hospital.. but ive taken god knows what... just to be numb.. Its horrible.. ive taken pills before and never went to the hopital.. but the other night i took one sleeping pill and didnt directly lay down and started seeing things.. and mom took me to the ER.. it was scary seeing her so scared.. i hated that feeling .. the look on her face.. its a rough path.. i still pop pills every now and then.. not the that exstent.. i remember her face and that stops me

nori04 · Post by **nori04** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 5:19 pm

Don't do it!!! Throwing up all night is SOOO not fun!! And I was lucky I didn't have to go to the hospital

finding neverland · Post by **finding neverland** » Mon Dec 11, 2006 2:49 am

After having SU thoughts, particularly OD, this thread was very helpful.

It was heart wrenching to hear what people had been through and I have to say that you all are amazing to have pulled through.

This thread is amazing and has certainly been an eyeopener.

Thankyou.

friarygirl · Post by **friarygirl** » Mon Dec 11, 2006 3:49 am

Pink Spider wrote:I am going to say something that will sound dramatic but is actually very truhful:
For those who attempt suicide, and succeed, their pain is over. But for the survivors, their agony has just begun.

And it lasts. For a long time. A very long time. Forever.

That is so true. My daughter has thank god only attempted, many times, never quite succeded yet. I'd like to add, Spider - even for the "survivors", the agony has already started, even before the final OD.

I'm amazed so many of the replies here mention imagining, or having seen, the look on their Mum's face at the attempted su. Use your imagination further. I'm a Mum who has been through that hell, more times than I'd like to think of. I'm still here. I still love my daughter more than life itself. I'm still sane. More or less. But nothing will EVER, EVER cleanse those horrific moments from my mind when I've believed my precious daughter was dead by her own hand. I'll learn to deal with it, in the end. I suppose I will anyway, because if I don't, I'll end up incontrovertibly "mad". For those of you who don't know me/us, we're in fact very close. Just the SU urges are what drive us BOTH over the edge.

I don't think there are many people on this board who honestly, truly have nobody who loves them. I also know it's not always "enough". But remember, if you're feeling su, you're not well, so maybe people care more than you realise right now.

crs13 · Post by **crs13** » Mon Dec 11, 2006 4:02 am

A while ago I nearly decided to OD, and was fantasizing about "never waking up again". This thread has really put things in perspective for me (and WOW, you are all really amazing to have made it through that).

Thank you.

wilson · Post by **wilson** » Fri Dec 15, 2006 1:24 am

i thought it was the easier option out. i thought it would be good... i have never been more wrong in my life. i had put myself what seemed like hell. i didnt want help or anything but i thought i could manage it. but for some reason i told my friend and she rushed to find me i didnt want help as such i just wanted to talk. i went back to her house while her mum called the hospital to ask what to do coz i refused to go to the hospital. but i had to go. i spent a night really sick and throwing up and so on. i had to see the physc before i could leave. when i was in hospital my friend came and saw me and gave me a card. inside was a letter thing. the one thing that sticks in my mind was "i wouldn't have been able to live with myself if anything had happened to you el" i dunno i guess those words still are keeping me here. but as _MessedUp_ said even tho i hated myself and my life its the looks and reactions i got when people found out that stops me and those words pollos wrote to me... and i realised and remembered all the good things about my life. even if it was for that one night.

pixijane · Post by **pixijane** » Sun Dec 17, 2006 2:59 pm

It's good to see this has discouraged others from ODing. It really is horrific. I've taken more ODs than I can count. I ended up in hospital for one.
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I remember waking my mum to tell her I was scared. I saw on the couch shivering and sobbing and eventually my dad drove me to hospital, yelling at me because he was scared. I had to drink charcoal...the most foul thing I've ever tasted. I was hooked up to drips and had to have my vital signs checked every hour. I barely slept for the 2 days I was there. I felt like I was dying. I was in so much pain. I remember throwing up orange juice and cahrcoal and the horrible look the nurse gave me when I vomited on the floor.At one stage I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe. I was given and oxygen mask but it took me a while to calm down. The nurses were yelling at me, calling me inconsiderate. The worst thing, was seeing my dad walk in the morning after I went to hospital. And he saw me lying there with drips and looking horrible and he turned away and started crying.

Another time I OD'd and I didn't tell anyone. I was throwing up for 3 days. My heartbeat wouldn't slow down and I was terrified. I could barely stand. I had such terrible chest pain I couldn't breathe or sleep. Do you know how embarassing it is to go to the doctors and tell them you overdosed? They just look at you with pity.

I'm sorry if any of this has been too graphic. Overdosing is not simple...even if the effects aren't severe, you will feel it for weeks. And then there's the constant fear that you might die at any minute.

bus

if you have OD'd i need to talk to you su

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