Bad days sum up everything SI/ED

[WorkDaySarcasm]

i 1st posted this on nest and somone said i shoud post it here and i do want advice so here it is...

I have has such a bad day i got my report card thinmjig and its the worse one i have ever got, no its the worse anyone has ever got in my whole school. every subject was bad, not because im naughty but because im not trying hard enough, my best is not good enough. My tutor was giving 'the talk' i was clam, emotionless not listening to anything because my mind was overflowing everything that is and has happened to me. It was like the dam of my mind just broke just because of one thing.

i was walking back with a mate and my mind said 'i wanna cry' and inside you know that pain you get when you try to choke back tears, i was gettin a hell load of that and i wasnt making it happen. i couldnt cry something wouldnt let have something i really needed. But then again i didnt want to break down infront of someone, that was the last thing i want confrontation. i didnt even want to go home, so i could avoid confrontation with myself.

im really scared of myself and what im turning into, i been in a depression for what seems so long that i cant remember what it was like before and how i even ended up like this. i so badly want to get out of this but then i feel like i want to move forward because i feel safe not thinking about things. when i think about my about my life, i dont feel like its mine and ive lost my way in it.

let alone the stress, si and depression. i cant sleep ever when i need or want to and feel exhasted when i least need to be. i cant eat which at 1st was just because eating was not what i felt like doing when low. but as time went by i couldn't remember being happy when i was fatter, and i started to get this voice as if it wasnt me, saying things like im worthless and fat, ill will be happier when im thin. this terrified me, i was so confident i didnt have a ED in the beginning. i had, had so much s*it from my school because they thought i was bulimic, which i wasnt. so here is this voice...in my head saying im not thin enough. i try not to listen to it but the power of the mind is powerful in both ways. soon i start to divert SIing to other reasons. i started to use it as punishment for eating more than i needed. while doing it, its like im not 'me' but someone else. i have an anorexic bmi and im im scaried ill have to go into hospital and miss school so im in a worse situation.

i feel i cant talk to anyone and in a way this is the most i have ever told anyone, because i have never told anyyone anything. i tend to bottle up things up and then not think about them. well this is as much as i will say because i sound like a mad person.
had anyone got any advice for me?? please help.

[plantt]

have you talked with a school counselor? or a counselor not at school? have you tried meds?
sounds like things are really hard atm sorry

[Spidey]

first, disobey "the voice". you need food to keep you strong and healthy. it gives you energy and sustains you. if for no other reason, eat to keep up your strength.

i suggest that you find someone to talk to - like plantt said, a school counselor, or a person that you can trust. maybe some form of counselling, i don't know - that's completely up to you. but talking to someone and letting them know about your situation might help (especially when it comes to school / grade issues).

[WorkDaySarcasm]

i did go to a family counselor for a bit early this year, but it wasnt working out, i didnt feel i could talk there, maybe because my mum was there. besides even though i feel that im still traped i must admit my depression was worse then and i would SI a hell of alot but now ive cut down down a huge amount... ' cut down' how ironic, its sad. well i was offered meds but my mum wouldnt let me take them because of a bad past she had involing meds.

[plantt]

maybe it's time to find a different counselor... & once you find one you're able to talk with maybe they could help you talk with your mom about meds.
if your mom won't help you find a counselor then maybe try the one at school.