before

[treasure]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will feel calm. i will stop feeling so flighty and unsettled. i will be able to make a decision of whether to stay awake and go to a support group meeting in about 5 hrs.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
thinking about the support group, they probably won't like it if i turn up. but to be able to stay awake and functioning i feel like i have to si. it will take away the need to look after myself. (making it easier to just go home w/o working on my assignment and w/o getting to the group)

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
in the long run? this group only has 2 more meetings and it ends. i'm not very close to the members so i probably won't see them again after that. this assignment is very very important for the long term goal of passing this unit. (right now i don't want there to be a future, i don't want to have to work at passing when it doesn't really matter)

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief may last only minutes. i don't know if my situation will get better or worse, but i need si as a catalyst to change something cos i hate feeling like this and i'm not getting anything done when i feel like this.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could leave the computer, go for a walk? i could read a novel i have with me or work on my assignment a little. i guess reading the textbook and trying to work on the asignment might change the situation (tho probably not the feelings?)

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
tomorrow i will possibly still be urgy, regardless if i si now. it will be easier to resist tomorrow if i si now if i work on the assignment (which is due tomorrow!) i might feel proud of myself for that.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i really want to si. the self-protectiveness? i guess i could be protecting myself from the anxiety and the possibility of su thoughts if i think too much and if i "fail" with the assignment.

More Before Questions To Answer
* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i am anxious about not doing the work, about feeling lonely and also feeling like the ppl around are intruding my space. i guess i was feeling sad and fragile yesterday, that might have 'caught up with me'

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i don't think i've been in this situation before. i have managed to hand in the previous assignment for this uni after trying but only doing a small part of it. i got an ok mark, and i should be able to do the same again - i've already done half the assignment (just not typed up). how i did it last time - i just tried as best i could and didn't care about the result as long i as i manage to ahnd in work i should be able to pass... i didn't feel proud about my effort. i bairly did a third of that assignment. it felt stupid to hand it in and pathetic that i didn't do better.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far?
typing this post and a little in my place have helped a bit. i tried playing music up louder but that didn't work.

*What else can I do that won't hurt me?
first thought was that cutting would not hurt... i am not trying to stop si, i can't right now, but this past week i've been thinking in terms of si being a really good thing in my life, not the slightest bit regretting it. i don't have to si every time i feel like it, wouldn't i end up si-ing much more often? i really really want to atm cos i feel like there is no negative to it... maybe a positive to not doing it, so i guess that is a negative (make sense?) - which might be how i feel later.

i will probably no si until i've tried to do some of my reading and see if anything changes...

[Smeagol]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will feel calm. i will stop feeling so flighty and unsettled. i will be able to make a decision of whether to stay awake and go to a support group meeting in about 5 hrs.

Am I right in thinking that the decision as to whether to go to the meeting or to stay in and do your assignment was making you anxious, and that si would deal with that anxiety? That's what I understand from what you wrote, but I want to check.

On the assumption I've understood right...

I'm sorry. that's hard. I often want to si because of that. Have you looked up mechanisms for coping with anxiety?

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief may last only minutes. i don't know if my situation will get better or worse, but i need si as a catalyst to change something cos i hate feeling like this and i'm not getting anything done when i feel like this.

Ouch, that really rang a bell wiht me. "I must do something; this is something; this is what I must do" often applies to me. Si gets me unstuck. It's motion and it's negative. It punishes me for my indecision. OR something like that. Sorry. That's probably not relevant to you. Getting back to the point: is there anything else that would act as a catalyst? Have a shower? Make yourself a drink?

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could leave the computer, go for a walk? i could read a novel i have with me or work on my assignment a little. i guess reading the textbook and trying to work on the asignment might change the situation (tho probably not the feelings?)

Did that work? I wondered whether maybe achieving something like that would make you feel better about yourself an dmake it easier for you to make a decision.

I hope you got through okay.

Gwylan

[treasure]

i was about to write another before post but found this one already at the top of the forum

about anxiety being the trigger... i'm not sure why i was anxious. the decision was about whether to go home and avoid the assignment and avoid the meeting *or* be tired and grumpy, but go to the meeting and possibly do more on my assignment.

i ended up reading some of the textbook and only doing one question, but it helped me stay busy and i did go to the meeting which cheered me up.

(going to write another before post cos my current triggers/urges are different and not really relevant in this post. most ppl make new posts so i shouldn't feel so silly about having 2 as the top in this forum )

[Smeagol]

i
about anxiety being the trigger... i'm not sure why i was anxious. the decision was about whether to go home and avoid the assignment and avoid the meeting *or* be tired and grumpy, but go to the meeting and possibly do more on my assignment.

I know that decisions make me anxious when I'm upet and I can't figure out what to do in the light of already being upset. Somehow the world gets so distorted and I don't know what to do any more. I wondered whether htat was the problem for you?

i ended up reading some of the textbook and only doing one question, but it helped me stay busy and i did go to the meeting which cheered me up.

Hoorah! Well done you.

(going to write another before post cos my current triggers/urges are different and not really relevant in this post. most ppl make new posts so i shouldn't feel so silly about having 2 as the top in this forum )

That's absolutely fine.