before

[treasure]

so. another post here. i guess its a good thing that i'm thinking a little not just si-ing straight away? but i am out of my flat which always makes me think about where i need to go (away from people seeing) to si. even though i'm in a computer room by myself, i don't have tissues or many bandaids so i can't just be impulsive (tmi?).

anyway, i want to cut. i really want to punish myself, "destroy" myself, make everything on the inside be a real physical *thing* so that others can see. and maybe i'd freak them out if i were to let them see, but i feel like noone is talking to me about how i really feel. i missed my prev T appt and my 1 friend has been busy and preoccupied recently. the support group i've been going to is still in a "building trust" stage, so they don't even know i si. my sister has her own life to live and is on holiday this week as well.

i feel like i can't type a post on BUS about wanting to hurt myself because i'm usually not wanting anyone to dissuade me and i feel out of place cos i don't want to stop si and i do want to think about killing myself, and i don't want to drag other ppl into my mess. this post is "allowed" cos i'm generally posting to deal with the si urges, a "positive" thing. i don't want ppl to see me as unaccepting of their help. i don't exactly want help, i want ppl to give a fuck if i died, to talk to me about these feelings, to notice that i might not be ok.

ok. so i want attention? thats probably a big part of it. i don't know if i care about myself at all anymore? i want someone to give me back some semblance of *me*, that isn't just a screw up. i want to si cos all i find within myself right now is that noone cares cos i'm a useless bag of shit and that i'm pathetic for not killing myself... not very positive, i know...

so this post is not about being positive anyway! its about dealing with the urge to si and i think i've done that. i want(ed????) to si cos i feel frustrated, sad, tired, etc etc and don't know what i can do... well - i can read a little more on BUS then in about 1/2hr go home and probably sleep. if i feel upset b/w now and then, i will repeat to myself "when i get home", meaning when i get home i will decide again whether to sleep or cut and i'm pretty sure i will prefer sleep (unless i can't sleep in which case i will probably try something else?).... i guess thats an ok outcome...

[balletomane]

Hi treasure.

I'm glad that you are taking some time and thinking before SIing.

I am wondering where you see yourself in the path of recovery. It is fine to not be ready to give up SI. My question to you is what are you going to do to keep yourself safe in the meantime? Also, what do you really want right now?
The second question is one that I asked myself whenever I was feeling suicidal. I often found that if I was *really* honest with myself, I didn't want to die. I wanted less stress, some rest, etc. Is there something like that for you?

I hope you are staying safe.

b

[treasure]

thanks for the reply balletomane... some difficult questions i guess

i would like to be able to "find my feet", to get on meds that help me cope, to have faith that my dr and T will support me, to be looking at helping myself cope rather than worrying about whether i can cope at all.... i feel like none of those things are working, i just *feel* like i *can't*. its partly i can't see any worth in myself and can't see any answers to my problems. so the only 'answer' i come up with is su, i feel convinced that it's all i deserve and all i am *able* to do. it isn't a rest or wanting a way out of problems, i don't think. but i am fairly relaxed talking about this. right now i don't want to die, i can see that i might find something to help me and i can cope in the meantime. until i go back to feeling like i can't cope

maybe silly but i thought of an analogy that might help me. its like i'm on a path with various ups and downs and obstacles, and there's a fog so i can't see the path. so i think "maybe there is a hill or an obstacle", "maybe i'm going in the totally wrong direction", i can't seem to reassure myself that the fog will go away. people (therapist etc) try to tell me that i have normal obstacles and normal ups and downs, but its like trying to walk with your eyes shut - everything is so uncertain and scary.

so, what am i *doing* about it? *shrug* a reminder to try a little harder i guess things i might do - talk to my dr about meds (and actually take the meds), try to plan my way around si or su thoughts - find some sort of incentive to not hurt myself??

i'm still scared that hurting myself, hating myself, is all i've got. i seem to have lost some of the connection to other ppl. maybe i should try talking to ppl i know about how they might help. they can reassure me that i am not worthless

thanks b