Before, has to stay a before (+ After)

[Stellaria]

Yesterday I stepped into the hospital building for the first time in over two months (my T has his office there). Memories came flooding back of the past seven years, of hurting myself and being hospitalized. It kind of took me by surprise. I got through the rest of the day but wasn't able to sleep at all last night, and I'm hurting a lot this morning. I really wish I had someone to talk to, but I'm alone at home and have nobody to call.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

If I would overdose, I would become numb and pass out, it would be a way to escape from feeling scared, sad, angry, guilty, lonely, misunderstood.

I'm very much afraid of ending up in hospital again. When I'm scared of something, I sometimes cause that which I'm scared of to happen to get out of the agony of waiting in fear. Which can be a good thing when it's about some constructive action. Not so good when it's destructive. I can see that this is going on here... the thought that if I intentionally mess up, at least I have some control.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It would bring drama to distract me from feelings.
It would take away my sense of reality. It would take away any pride I have felt over taking care of myself lately.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want the past to be in the past, and not something I'm reliving in the present.
I guess hurting myself now would just perpetuate the cycle.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It would last a few days. That is if I didn't go too far. Even though I wouldn't try to kill myself, overdosing is a risky business *tries to talk sense into self*
I keep having the thought "maybe everything would change if I just got away for a few days". That's not very realistic, is it?

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

F***. I know what I need to do is get some sleep. I go nuts when I don't sleep. But I can't bring myself to go to bed. Ok, a compromise, I can lie down on the sofa with music in the headphones and rest for a bit. Might make me feel more sane. Then I can go for a walk, do something useful like buy groceries and cook. Might make me more grounded. Figure out who I can talk to and how. Write thoughts down in my journal and bring them up at next T appointment. Might make me feel less alone.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

Whatever I do, it's very possible that I will experience painful feelings tomorrow.
I have to consider other people's feelings. If I would hurt myself, it would hurt my boyfriend and my kids, and maybe some friends, and that's not ok.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to cry, but there are no tears. I will try to get some rest.

This is hard.

[Stellaria]

Will attempt this one.

After

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?

I think so.

If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?

It was a mix of feelings, but the main ones were sadness and fear.
I felt like crying (even though I didn't actually cry), had a cramp in my stomach and felt like running away.
I was thinking that things are hopeless for me, that I'm never going to be normal or feel ok, that I can't talk about what's bothering me because people either don't understand or don't want to hear about it.

What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?

- went against the impulse to shut up and isolate, by telling my T a tiny little bit of what I was feeling, by making a 'before' post, by talking albeit very briefly to a friend, by writing in my journal.

- took care of physical needs, by getting some (not enough but better than no) sleep, eating, taking my meds, taking walks and going to the gym.

- was gentle with self, by letting myself curl up on the sofa for a couple of hours, by treating myself to a piece of cake and the Lord of the Rings dvd:s, tried to stop and distract when I started to yell too much at myself in my head, allowed myself to be sad.

- made myself feel a little useful, by shopping groceries and some stuff for my son, by cooking and doing laundry, and by giving advice and a listening ear to a friend.

- distracted myself, by music, talking to my son about everyday stuff, watching silly flash animations, television, internet.

Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?

Don't know. At least none of it was harmful (though I should not overdo comfort eating).

I wish I could have talked more to someone, still feeling a strong need for that and am not sure what to do about it.

Crying might have helped too.

If No - What coping skills got me through?

It seems to me that all of them helped a little in some way. The most helpful was to be gentle with self and to not shut up entirely.

Why do I think they worked?

Talking/writing helps me to put overwhelming feelings into a perspective where I can deal with them better, even if it can also make things harder at first, and it can make me feel less alone which makes me less sad.

If basic body needs are met, especially sleep and food, I'm a little less sensitive.

If I treat myself with some consideration, I feel emotions stronger but they seem to "run out" too and not last as long.

Doing useful stuff can make me feel better about myself and lessen the desire to punish myself.

And distractions - well, they distract.

How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?

I'm not sure as it happened very quickly. As soon as I walked into the hospital grounds I was flooded by these feelings and practically immediately thought of OD'ing to escape.

Though now that I'm more aware of what a sensitive issue this is to me, I can work harder at coming to terms with it. Bring it up in therapy, write about it, do things that ground me when emotions seem too much to handle. Remind myself of my own experience that it is possible to get through things so that they are not an issue anymore, even if it can be painful to get to that point.

Whew, it took some energy to write this down but it was useful.

[cariad]

Hi
I just wanted to reply and say, well done.
Writing this post must have taken some courage, and been hard. I'm really impressed you managed to do some many positive things to help yourself, its difficult to do that, and you should be proud of yourself for it.

You say you felt the intense need to talk to someone - did talking to your friend help this?
Is there a particular person who you wanted to talk to about it?
Was there anything that made this difficult?
Would it help to talk to someone compleatly objective if this situation arises again? -Maybe you could call a helpline and talk it through with them?

I hope your okay, and feeling better today.

Take care x

[Stellaria]

Thank you very much for your reply.

I do feel that it was important for me to not give in this time. I needed the experience that I can have this strong feelings and stay with them a little, instead of escaping through destructive means. It makes me a little more confident that I can get better.

You say you felt the intense need to talk to someone - did talking to your friend help this?

A bit. We were not really talking about me but about her, about her feelings regarding having mental health problems and taking medication, but it helped to at all be talking about a subject that I find sensitive at the moment. I did wish though that I could have had someone to talk to about myself in that way. Our relationship isn't equal, she is younger and has enough of her own worries, it's more that she calls for support and advice.

Is there a particular person who you wanted to talk to about it?
Was there anything that made this difficult?

I have two other friends who have some experience of mental health issues, but one is living abroad now and the other lives in another town and doesn't have a phone or computer so is hard to get hold of.

Would it help to talk to someone compleatly objective if this situation arises again? -Maybe you could call a helpline and talk it through with them?

I did see my therapist yesterday, which was good in a way. But I don't know... I think what I'm looking for is the subjective, of people who can tell me they have had similar feelings and experiences as I have. To not feel as much as a freak.

Maybe I could post to workshop? I will think about it.