I can't stop "planning..." *SI*

[half/hearted]

I have been making a concerted effort to reduce my SI for about two weeks. I've had two slips, both "impulsive" rather than deliberate/planned. I think I am doing pretty well (definitely better than I expected!). However, I am still having a lot of thoughts about SI--specifically, plans and ideas for what I would like the scars to look like.

I have one scar that is in a recognisable shape, and I feel weirdly ambivalent about it. Sometimes I'm extremely ashamed of it, and hide it with bracelets; other times, I really like having it. Once in a while I feel happy with it, as if it's a tattoo that came out just how I wanted it.

My current problem is that now I keep thinking about adding more shapes/designs to my arm in the form of SI scars. I am kind of shocked that I'm thinking about this, because I do NOT want my friends, family, or classmates to know about my SI, and it seems like scars in the shape of letters or designs would be extremely obvious. I find myself thinking about giving myself scars even when I'm not having SI urges.

Has anyone else struggled with this? Is it "wrong" or "worse" to want SI scars in some special design?

(Please don't think I'm pro-SI or that I see SI as some form of personal decoration...I don't see it that way...but I guess part of me does.)

[falling...]

have you tried drawing what you 'want' in red waterbased pen... then atleast its not permenant and its not a slip. congrats on reducing your SI, thats a good step
_________________
Honda Crossroad

[half/hearted]

falling... - Thanks! That's a great idea--I'll give it a try. I really appreciate it.

[Never Again]

hi jae...

please don't forget that these scars are permanent. i recently visited a dermatologist about mine. to reduce the visibility of the newer scars, she told me that i could use mederma. but for the older scars, there wasn't much that could be done. i'm going to have to live with my scars for the rest of my life. that means that i'll have to explain to my neice and nephew what these marks on my arm are in a couple of years. and some day when i have my own children, they'll ask me what those marks all over my arms and legs are from. how will i explain this to them? i cut words and symbols too. and i regret every cut i ever made.

this isnt' meant to be a lecture, just please think about this the next time you get the urge to cut. these scars are permanent. and the relief is only temporary.

feel free to pm me anytime...

hugs, if ok...
notagain

[half/hearted]

notagain - thanks...I needed to be reminded of that. I need to keep in mind that I too have regretted every cut, and sometimes hated myself for inflicting them...if I can just remember what you've said and what I know, I think I can overcome this urge. I'll try to think of that every time I look at my scars...remember how much I hate having them, and just how not worth it they are.

Thanks again -

[Licentia Poetica]

I think... it's good to sometimes think realistically about SI & how it affects your life.

When you're in the middle of your SI addiction, it's hard to think logically. Knowing that you actually regret your scars may help reduce your SI.

[BadLuckClover]

Maybe a year ago, I met I boy whom I felt I was desparetly meant to be with. I'll spare you the long story, but he became someone I felt I wanted to remember. His name was David and he was Jewish. And soo I carved a star of david just above my ankle. It's still there. I really really wish it wasn't. He ended up sleeping with my best friend and now I'm reminded of it everytime I put on my socks.

I have other shapes. Including a few japanese symbols(which I love) and the word Cope(which I'm supremely embarassed of).

The hard thing is that scars can last a very, very long time. Also, a line across your arm is one thing to explain away, but it's completely different with a star or words. I can't ever wear another skirt without knee high socks.

All the shapes were done at periods of extreme detachment. Times when I felt very very little of anything. I've tried since to carve images when I'm in my normal state of mind and I just couldn't bring myself, as it really hurts. -_- So think about how your feeling when you get to urge to put a symbol. Is it you know you can and you won't feel it? Or you want to make something perminant?

The last few times I've wanted to, I just pulled out my sharpie and carefully drew exactly what I wanted to carve. I would go over it everyday with the pen until it became a regular sight for me, like a tattoo would be. Eventually, however, I would tire of it and let it wash away. It's defidently helped, as I eventually realized I didn't want this on my body. I used a fine tipped sharpie too, as it was rather pointy and felt more like a needle.

Whatever you choose, just don't act too rashly. You don't want to be stuck with something you'll regret. *much love*

[half/hearted]

BadLuckClover--thank you for sharing your story; I really appreciate it. The "sharpie tattoo" thing is a great idea; I've been trying that the last day or so and it really helps me. I can kind of say to myself "OK, there, I put a [whatever design] on my skin, now I can move on." It helps me let go of the urge a little easier.

Sometimes if I think about the emotions, I find that what I really want is lasting proof of how bad I'm feeling...in those cases, drawing or journaling helps a lot.

Thanks again for the thoughts and advice...it means a lot to me.

[syn]

I have a few misplaced scars on my arms that I thought would be covered by a sleeveless dress when I made them. I'm a professional, and can't be known as a cutter or I could lose my career. I was devastated when I realized I made a mistake in the placing of the wounds.

I got lucky and they healed pretty well and are hard to see, I got real lucky.

Sometimes our plans aren't as well thought out as we think.