Impulsive SI vs. Deliberate SI

[ebmcs]

Just wondering if anyone else struggles with both.

Deliberate SI I am getting a handle on. By this, I mean mostly cutting; which requires a degree of planning/prep even when it is impulsive. Right? I mean you can't gut-respond to a situation by cutting unless there's something just sitting there.

But then, I've noticed that when I am alone and get very frustrated or do something that would have resulted in yelling as a child, or think about something that I've done that I label as "failure," I hit myself without even thinking about it. Almost like a reflex.
Example: washing dishes last night, knocked over the strainer being clumsy and scattered a few dishes everywhere. Or, walking to my car, drop something. Or, thinking about a tiny detail in an observation at work that didn't go quite right.

This is a little disturbing to me because it's so ingrained in me. Where does THAT come from?..... but it is a hard one to break, especially because 1) it's harder to catch/stop, and 2) it feels so awkward and uncomfortable to let the moment pass if I do catch/stop

Any ideas/anyone relate?

[tzanti]

That's the one I get nearly everytime. No warning, no build-up, just bang! I often end up screaming and yelling as well. I don't know where it comes from either. I kind of think of it as like banging the TV set when it doesn't work.

I also find that it's not as controlled as the other form of SI *for me* All of mine is hitting, but when I get some warning it all happens much more slowly, I tend to hit 'differently.'

T.

[green]

I can definately relate to this. Impulsive SI is something that I really stuggle with. Whenever I drop something or think about something I did wrong or said that day, I just automatically hurt myself. I find frustration and anger is often accompanied with it. I'm sorry I don't have any advice... I just wanted to let you know that I can relate.

[tzanti]

The thing is that it actually feels kind of natural, well normal anyway.

T.

[t_k]

I definitly get what you mean.

The cutting's so much simpler to deal with compared to reactions.

I get the reactions too... I just automatically scratch or hit myself without thinking about it.

[Spidey]

or think about something that I've done that I label as "failure," I hit myself without even thinking about it. Almost like a reflex.

yeah. i do this a lot, too. i got told that i made a mistake - a very simple one that all new people make - at work, and when i came home i smacked myself for it.

it's really hard to break out of it. i've tried to 'catch' myself but it never seems to work. =/

[syn]

I struggle(d) with both too, and am a little too creative for my own good. Some of my worst scars were impulsive SI.

Impulsive SI and Deliberate are both equally bad, and hard to quit in my eyes. The impulsive is obviously harder to control, but the deliberate has ritual and sentimentality attached to it. It also creates that control factor.

[half/hearted]

I've found that reducing my deliberate SI is a lot easier than reducing the impulsive kind. I've had 2 slips so far and both were totally impulsive--I wasn't even really thinking about it...it just kind of snuck up on me.

[espai]

It's very difficult to stop myself impulsively SI'ing, because as soon as I finish it is when I actually realise what I've done...

Cutting is something that takes up my concentration so it's easier for me to avoid or stop halfway. But if I get particularly anxious I bite the inside of my lip really hard, which is a reflex reaction I've always had. It's so much harder to break that cos I have been doing it literally since I was tiny...

[autumndiver]

I'm impulsive. I get so wrapped up, and WHAM. Afterwords, I'll feel calm. But then I see what I've done. I feel awful for days. I just had an incident Saturday evening. I can't function, bathe, eat. I feel so guilty. I wish I knew how to just snap out of it.