Before. [Comments Welcome]

[Anactoria]

How will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation won't change. I'll probably feel a lot calmer and maybe a bit sleepier and less out-of-control.

What will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It won't really bring anything except to kind of bundle up all of my emotions and put them away for a bit. It would take away my sense of security because then I'll need to hide my cuts again. I don't want my parents or close family to know and I don't want to be put in therapy against my will.

How do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
In the long run, I just want to feel more loved and less alone. I think that SIing would probably get me further from that goal by preventing me from making new friends and maybe making my current friends think less of me.

If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief may last a few hours, until I have to go to guard practice. I can't wear long sleeves since it's going to be over 90 degrees, so I'd have to lie and that would make me feel guilty. And probably make me remember how crummy I felt before I SIed.

What is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I don't know. I guess I could watch a movie or maybe call a friend. It still won't change the situation I'm in- it won't make my mom come home from work to spend time with me. She was supposed to take me to my grandmother's house so that we could all go out to lunch for my birthday, which was on Saturday. I still haven't celebrated my birthday with anyone since I was away from home. The people I was away with didn't even know it was my birthday.

How will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll probably feel like an unstable freak if I wind up hurting myself. I'll regret it and hate myself even more for being this way, and then hate my dad for making me feel this way. A lot of awful memories. If I watch a movie instead, I'll probably feel fine tommorow.

What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really just want to be somewhere else. I'm a little bit hungry but I can't find any breakfast food in the house. My mom never goes shopping for me unless I tell her what I want- all she eats is popcorn for breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner as a part of an attempted diet. I want to hug my brother because he's home from boarding school but he probably doesn't want to do anything with me; he didn't even call to wish my happy birthday and neither did my dad. They don't care. I wish I could make them care and then we could all do something together without me having flashbacks to him screaming at me and how rotten he makes me feel. I guess I could honor the self-protective instinct by talking to them, but I don't think that will change anything.

Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't think I need to. I want to.

[Smeagol]

Hi

It sounds like you've got a pretty good understanding of your situation and the options available to you. That's really good.

I'm sorry your family don't seem to be paying attention to your birthday. That's really hard. Happy birthday to you though.

You could try huggin gyour brother, you never know, he might not reject you. It sounds like you're doing some mindreading there, so it might be worth checking that out.

Is it possible for you to talk to your family about how you feel about all this? Could you write them a letter, maybe?

I very much empathise with wanting to feel loved, but sometimes others just aren't meeting that demand. Is there something you can do for you that will make you feel special and feel good about yourself? For example, write a list of things you like about yourself, or give yourself a treat. If you're hungry maybe you could go to the shop and get yourself a really scrummy meal that you'll enjoy eating. It won't take away the hurt, but it might cheer you up and ultimately what matters is that you love you and recognise your worth. It hruts like hell when people you feel should do that don't seem to, but you can't always change them.

Take care