coping only temporarily

[kkandb]

Hi everybody, I'm new to these forums and I haven't had a chance to look around much yet, so I'm not sure if it's been talked about already of if it's the best place to post it. If so, I appologize. Anyway...

So, I'm finding that I can find distractions for myself that work really well, whether it's a bubble bath or music or a movie or whatever, but after the urge to hurt myself has passed, I feel somehow incomplete. I guess that I am feeling like I need some sort of closure--the closure I WOULD have gotten if I had SI'ed.

The problem with that is that the craving I have for closure doesn't go away, and as time passes, it builds up into this anxiety and pressure, and the longer it goes, the less I care about staying away from SI. And then I eventually just go ahead and do it, because I need that closure and by that time I don't really see the point of not doing it.

Anyway, what I wanted to ask by telling all that is, do you guys have any suggestions for how I could have that feeling of closure, or a sense that I have "overcome" the urge to cut and succeeded through it.. without actually cutting? It seems like no matter what I do to try to end the feeling (writing, excersise, talking, etc) doesn't work.

To give a little background in case it helps, I am 19 and I have been cutting on and off (every couple months/weeks with a few breaks) since I was about 11, except for my junior year of high school which was a very bad year when I was very depressed and SI'ed on a very regular basis. At the end of that year, my parents found out and sent me to a therapist, so I stopped for a while (out of pure shock that I had been discovered) and then SI'ing less frequently but do not really see myself as getting a whole lot better.

I'm sorry this was so long, but I'd really appreciate some advice..

[aloneagain]

I've been there many times. I found things to reward myself. The thing that helped most at my worst times was a bracelett. I started with a string. Each time I seriously thought about SI but did not actually do it, I added a bead. It wasn't much, but it was a way to visualize my sucess. Those were some really rough times. Things for me have gotten pretty bad again. Tonight I went out and bought some beads. Will see if it works this time.
I am new here to and will be watching for some input. It's so nice to know guys are out there and feeling the same things.

[kkandb]

the bracelet idea is really neat... a visual reminder to stay strong as well as a tangible way to show success that otherwise doesn't show up

i think i'll be buying some beads tommorrow. :) thanks for the idea

[leemc77]

First of all, welcome to bus! The best way for me to cope is to get out of my house. The beads are a great idea - we actually made bracelets when I was in a lockdown specialized trauma unit in a psychiatric hospital. It reminds me where I've been and that I don't wanna go back. Hope you get some more ideas - most of the people here are really supportive!

Take care and be safe,

Leeanna

[aloneagain]

How is the bracelett idea working. I have decided to use one bead per day, kind of a record. Red one the days I cut, white the days I don't. Hopefully I won't have too many reds. Things are really tough right now. My psychiatrist wants me to go inpatient, but I said no. I see him again on Tuesday. There iare also "crisis apartments" where they are less strict. I can't go, it's to hard to find some one to care for my boys since my husband left. Yet I know I need to take care of myself too. Will see what Tuesday brings.

[angelic212]

i really like the bracelet idea, never tried it before, and i think i will do this i will probably use black for the days i do a negative behavior and purple or pink which are my favorite colors. never thought of this idea before, its a good idea

you should check out my coping place, the link its in my signature

[Saintess]

but after the urge to hurt myself has passed, I feel somehow incomplete.

I kind of undersand that feeling. I dont know much about this forum I just arrived here myself, I dont exactly hurt myself...I'm sick and already in a lot of pain...I have undergone medication and surgery and have learned to live with the pain. If I dont feel that pain, then I dont feel like myself anymore. I dont know why. Im not on drugs. Its not the comfort of the drug that Im looking for but the pain itself. Why is that? I didnt find the strength to tell anyone about this. That's why Im discussing it on forums. And I think I found the right one here.

[aloneagain]

Saintess, Welcome aboard. I too am fairly new here, but have found great comfort an knowledge here.

There are many reasons that pain makes me feel like "myself" like I am truely alive. First, I have known it for a long time weather the pain be physical or mental.

My main reason for cutting is to feel the pain, It gives me a calming feeling. Takes away the the mental pain, the depressed feelings for me. Might just take my mind off all the crap in my head. Also gives me a natural high (sorta)

I also find myself SI when I am physically in pain. I think it is a way for me to feel control over the initial pain (Hope that made sense)

Keep reading and you may hear others with insight that you would find useful.

My problem now is finding a replacement that gives me the same comfort. It seems that this relapse for me is different. The usual things I do are not working. But I am also in whole different spot than I was previously. I had stopped cutting when I was pregnant with my now 3 year old.

The beads aren't helping. My Psychiatrist decreased my meds due to side effects from the last increase. So I feel even worse. It is as if others do not understand how bad I really feel. I have not been busted for cutting yet, so every one seems to think I'm just a little down. They don't see how hard I am working! They just don't understand.

My kids are my main reason for not letting go.

Hope this was helpful.