help me help my daughter

coco · Post by **coco** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 11:13 am

she is 13. she had a small drop stain on her shirt. she showed me. i thought she bit her lip, we were aguing. i was stunned, my mind leaping from "cover this up" deny deny to talk coco, she is screaming for help. spining head, stunned emotions, down play down play. what do say.

so i held her while i was googling. some is too extreme and i don't want her getting more ideas about bigger weapons.

we have a code phrase now, a sentence she will say to mean: stop everything the feeling is here or coming. and i and she will drop everything and focus.

i have not made her promise to stop, am reading it is not my right?

her father left us on easter for another women, he is not coming back, he took all the money, even hers. we are having to sell the only house she knows for the last 10 years.

i have explained all the usual crap, this is not your fault, it is between a husband and a wife. blah blah blah and i thought she got it. but she is in more pain then i imagined. she does not want a doctor of any kind and her arm has sratches, her beautiful pale skin, my tiny dancer daughter has red marks on her arm and her mother is going insane with her own crap, now i can turn to her, i can put my crap down, no problem.

what do i say, what do i do. as teenagers young women, tell me please, what to say/do for a teen girl, just starting this.

is there a big enough rug i can sweep this under. how the hell can i take this on, does it stop on its own, like situational cuts. like an adult being drunk for a few days(i never drink, ever) or is this a never ending cope skill?

Alone_I_Break · Post by **Alone_I_Break** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 3:32 pm

Firstly , thank you for being a parent who cares enough to try to learn and understand.

Please dont brush this under any rug. Make sure your daughter knows she is loved and that help is there if she wants it (but she may not want any). Dont start looking for new marks and she may feel smothered. Tell her you know and you are there if she wants to talk about it. Tell her you love her and it hasnt changed anything you think about her. After that you have to wait and let her come to you in her own time.

As foer whether this is a life long way of dealing with things, i think it is for some but not for others. I have done it since i was six years old and im now 25 but getting it under control so ive only done it once in the past 7 months.

coco · Post by **coco** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 3:44 pm

thanks, she just got up. first question, did you tell daddy, fear in her eyes. i told her no. i held her. she wants the marks to go away, i say, that is why i don't do some things i want to do, i don't want the marks.

Lynds · Post by **Lynds** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 10:20 pm

What I wanted from my mum when she found out about my SI and never got was the feeling that what I did didn't mean she was disapointed in me or loved me any less. It's good to know that you care enough about your daughter to come here for support and it's also good that you are getting support yourself.

coco · Post by **coco** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 10:48 pm

thank you, i think she will come on here herself later, when she wants.

Oceanic · Post by **Oceanic** » Tue Jul 04, 2006 10:27 pm

thank you for loving your daughter enough to try to help her....

when i first started SI-ing I was 13. It took me several years to tell my mother, and then it was only because I wanted to see a psychiatrist and needed her insurance help.

honestly, mostly what i wanted was for her to read my mind. sometimes i wanted her there and sometimes i wanted her anywhere but there. sometimes i wanted her to know and sometimes i didn't. sometimes i wanted her to hold me and sometimes i wanted her miles away. rarely, i wanted her help, but most of the time i wanted to deal with it myself. and it was so, so hard for me to communicate what it was that i wanted at any given time.

all i can say is just keep loving her...and keep making sure that she knows it. that is the most important thing.

feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk....

thinking of you and your daughter,
sarah

coco · Post by **coco** » Tue Jul 04, 2006 11:05 pm

thank you, she wanted some band aids, then decided to tell anyone that notices by the pool that the dog scrathed her. i said well, you know that is not the truth, and this has caused you now to be hiding and not telling the truth.

i asked her if when she saws does she think "take that bitch mom, take that stop yelling, be different. but she no. she did say she is there in the moment as lucy but not thinking, take that at anyone. i don't know if that is good or not.

she says not to tell "daddy", he left us for another women at easter and i have been a basket case, not able to even focus on her when she talks, bringing me her little events, gossip, needs. i have checked out in my mind to all the fear of economic insecurtiy. so i am back now, and i am going to get some pills for my panic or what ever it is that makes you cry for a month.

if i have too, i will break her confidence as her father can "pretend" to notice her arm. and he will stand beside me. but i am afraid to make this bigger, does that make sense. it seems she has not thought of bigger weapons, yet . but does say "this makes me a freak, if my friends find out". could it be a "cry for help" or a full blown habit, i do not know yet.

and i want her to see a doctor but she doesn't want too. i am wishing this will go away. that because she read the book "cut" she got the idea but not nec. the desire.

Lynds · Post by **Lynds** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 9:22 pm

I would think carefully before you break the confidence. Also, my experiecne with my mum and her sending me to our doctor was awful-I had 10 minutes to explain to a very unsympathetic woman what it had taken me 3 years to keep hidden from my friends and family. The doctor made it very clear that I was wasting her time as I had inflicted this on myself and was not as worthy as her other patients so I would be inclined to respect her decison regarding the doctor and maybe encourage her to think about the option because if she can get to that decision on her own terms it is less likely going to be as traumatic or degrading.

She may have gotten the idea from the book as I have heard that that title in partciular can be quite triggering, but I think it takes either a certain type of personality or a certain level of unhappiness to actually carry out an act of SI. Plenty of my friends have read about it and talk to me about it but they are not in the lsightest bit interested in actually harming themselves, even when they are feeling very low.

I'll be thiking of you both.

coco · Post by **coco** » Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:04 am

thank you for taking the time to reply and that is what is happening here. i am going to take her to the peditrician tomorrow for the emotions from my crappy husband, they said i can have the phycologist referal i need to take her to a child phys.

i have sworn not to tell her fater and not to push the doctor but before my ins. acts up about this i need the referal in my hand, so in an emergency i can have it ready to roll.

i have not read the book and i read almost every book she reads including the happy potters, dates and mates, gossip girls, we are both big readers and early on i just read whatever she read and sometimes at the same time. the devil wore prada right now. speak. i will do cut , but not in front of her. the marks are starting to itch and this bothers her, she doesn't like anything to do with "yucky"

i only bring up the book and her acting like what she read because that is what she has always done, all her life, when it was madeline, she had to have a beret. lara croft, we got the double weapons and a plastic knife for halloween, our house was full of HP and Hermione, hedwig. well you get the idea. she is in ballet, major, but her first love is acting and she loves her "props". so that is what a scared mothers heart is hoping, it is a role she has "tried on" like rocker chick, avril laviage the first part of 6th grade, had to buy a skate board also. please god, make this go away.

christ i spent years trying to drink myself to death. thought i was having fun. i have thought alot about what is the difference. the drink almost ruined my health and i am sure my guts looked every bit as bad as the scars from marks. i guess it just freaks me out because it is so naked, so out there. and it is my child, while i was merely my mom's child and did not have to think much about what i was doing to her.

thanks, write back, i am a good listener as well as a big talker. coco

Smileyface_Ariel · Post by **Smileyface_Ariel** » Thu Jul 06, 2006 5:14 pm

Just try to be there for her, its good that you didnt overeact. Dont assume that it will escilate, it doesnt always. Trie not to burden her with stuff about her dad, but dont avoid talking about him alltogether. If she sees a specalist, assure her that everything she says is confidental(even though i know they have to tell the parent somethings when they are under 16) Good luck =)

coco · Post by **coco** » Thu Jul 06, 2006 9:32 pm

we went to the peditrician this morning, one she has had for years for shots and colds. what an idot. i am appaled by this "doctor". we tell her alittle about my husband left and the stress and the panic and fear my daughter has to watch me be in, my daughter starts to tear up and this women, this women with kids, this women that is a doctor tells my daughter this: you must watch out, you are at risk for anerexia, bulemia, falling grades, not finishing school, not having friendships with the right people, i am looking at this insane bitch. great lady, why don't you tell her some more good news, give her some more ideas, like you are at risk for cutting. i make the shussh noise and move to cut her off by saying we want a referal to a child physcologist and that IF AND WHEN my daughter decides to go she can. so no, no, the doctor has to force my daughter to "promise' to get help, promise me right now, you will go for the help you need. promise promise promise.

no wonder you guys say these doctors are so insensitive. i had to tell lucy she did not have to keep the promise because we did not ask for a physicatrist, we asked for a physcologist and that promise to go to the physicaitrist is null and void as i didn't ask for that and as far as i know it is not covered and not necessary.

we just came home in the car and i told her i was seconds from showing the doctor her arm until i realized how the doctor was so freaking dumb. she said you promised not to tell and she does not see anything wrong with giving a child a list of new fun things to try that the child has not even thought about yet.

i am calming down. but i would not let that doctor raise a cat.

Post by **swirlish** » Fri Jul 07, 2006 8:53 pm

Hello coco!

Welcome to BUS, first of all, have a traditional welcome cow

Have you found the friends and family forum of the board? You can find it here: http://buslist.org/phpBB/viewforum.php? ... 570443888c
The moms and dads (and other close ones) there are really nice and they all know what you're going through. I understand it must be really really hard to have a child who self harms. It sounds like you carry a lot of pain aswell, which would make it even harder.

I'm so glad to hear that you really care for your daughter and that you are trying to get her the help she needs. I'm sorry about your experience with the doctor, but please don't be too discouraged; there are bad ones and good ones.

Take good care of yourself and let me know if there is anything I can do. And keep posting, I think you can find a lot of what you're looking for on the friends and family section.

Love
Mia

kkandb · Post by **kkandb** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 5:25 am

i guess i came a little late to this discussion but i wanted to tell you what a good sign it is that your daughter came to you and especially (it seems) so soon after she started.
i know it is my experience (and probably others) that i hid my SI for a very long time from my family and when they found out I freaked out and withdrew majorly.. and the fact that she is being upfront with you and not lying and letting you hug her is a good sign.
As has been said before I would advise not to smother her but also don't let it drop-- don't let her think that maybe this little drama is over and you're not worried or don't care anymore.
i hope you two are doing well~

coco · Post by **coco** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 2:16 pm

yes, she freaked me out 2 nights ago, she had sleept very little, being summer. then she played a game online for hours, her cousins also play and they im inbetween. my nephew and his sister are very competative. not lucy, she is a ballerina, they tend to "work together" to have the dance look as good as possible on stage.

so they start harrassing her on line and her best friend "loves" my nephew, big chrush, she starts taking sides against lucy also.

lucy collapses on the key board, sobbing, kids calling, crying, lucy says: "now i have no one, no friends'. so i have her delet the gamer and invent a new one the kids don't know it is still her.

she keeps up with the hormones, hunger, crying, dissovlving, phone calls, more kids crying.

so i feed her. i give her the food in a big bowl and she wants to eat in her room. in her bed, whoa. she tries to lock the door and be alone in their.

i make the excuse, leave the door open you are eating, and you could choke. so she agrees.

i come back and she is under the covers but wierd looking. hands moving under the covers. now i am on red alert, eyes darting around the room, where are the sharps, what is she doing, is she doing it again as this would seem like a perfect time to me.

so i use the excuse, let me pull the cover off and pull the sheet up, okay she says. and no she is "alone" under there so i pull the sheet up. replace the comforter and tuck her in. i keep watching, she sleeps. safe. thank god. and you all too.

TainTeD Xx gRAcE · Post by **TainTeD Xx gRAcE** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 2:26 am

Wow.

I am not sure what to say.

I have been a cutter for four years. It is hard to imagine a parent as supportive as you, because mine is definitely not. Thank you for understanding your daughter and not being judgemental.

flipflopfetish · Post by **flipflopfetish** » Fri Jul 28, 2006 1:28 am

i also am joining this conversation a little late, but it sounds like you are being so understanding. i would love to have my mother react like you have. and i'm sure she realizes this as she is being open with you and sharing how she is feeling instead of keeping things from you and all.

syn · Post by **syn** » Sat Jul 29, 2006 11:58 pm

My best advice:
- never react with horror
- never react with anger
To her self-injury.

Also just as a fair warning those of us who do this, will find away even if everything is locked away. Sometimes it's best to be supportive and work out a safety system like you've been doing rather than lock everything away.

I would highly recommend screening some child psychologists, they have some varied responses to self injury I would ask to speak to the doctor over the phone before making an initial appointment.

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job so far, and I hope Lucy and you are both ok.

irishpecas14 · Post by **irishpecas14** » Sun Jul 30, 2006 2:36 am

hey!

i just joined in as well. i'm sorry you've had quite a week.

all i can say is be glad that you've found out and don't break her trust while you have it. once it's broken, it usually isn't fixed easily or quickly.

also, BUS has amazing support... so read around on the boards (i'm sure you're already doing this)... people are amazing here.