A Before

[Koru]

OK, so why do I want to SI at the moment?

I have the first of my real data from my PhD and it's not as good as I hoped. I have very little time to interpret it before presenting it on Friday, I have a lot of other stuff to do before then too (including a funeral on Thursday) and with all this stuff running around in my head, I can't concentrate on my results. Everyone I speak to has a new idea and I don't have time to read up on them all before I present it.

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will be calmer and it will allow me to focus. I know it will bring me back to the work for at least a couple of hours.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring calmness and release some of the frustration. It will allow me to express the anger that I feel at myself for not being able to do the work. I am meant to be clever enough to do this. I have worked for 18 months to get this data.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
In the long run I want to get good interpretations out of the data and a published paper. Hurting myself will have no impact on that except that it may allow me to focus enough to get the work done now. However, I also want to feel capable, in control and not slightly like I'm losing my mind over this project and it will take me further from that.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will last an hour or two. hopefully I will have some work done by then. I will then go home and pack for tommorrows holiday then go to the pub and go through the budget for the club next year with some of the committee members who will also be there.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I would normally go for a run but I have an injury that means I can't. It's the only other thing that I've found effective which is why I'm going nuts. I could distract myself by talking to a friend but then I just waste more time.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Tommorrow won't be too much of a problem if I hurt myself - I have long sleeves and a jacket for the funeral anyway. There is a risk that people will notice the marks on my arms when I am away on holiday but it's unlikely (probably less likely than when I'm at Uni) I don't know if I'll regret it. I can't come up with another thing - I must go through the list.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to just get the work done and go and meet the club and get the budget out of the way and off my mind. I can make lists of everything I need to do so I will stop panicking about forgetting things then start on working through it. It still doesn't get the work done and my mind focussed though and I don't know what will. I am just so angry at myself, I feel so incapable, I used to be much better than this.

[Wandering]

Koru, sorry this has gone without a reply for so long. I hope you got your work done, the funeral wasn't too bad, and that you stayed safe. Whether you did or not, it sounds like it would be a good idea to try and find some more coping strategies that don't depend on whether you can run/exercise or not. Maybe have a look through the lists on coping ideas, and write down 5 that you've not tried before, so you can give them a go next time you're in a situation like this?

Take care, Andi