Before....SI/SU...Replies Welcomed.

[(*Haven*)]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation is not going to change. It's my family.....I can't take it anymore.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It's going to bring my cuts...possibly more scars....I'm going to have to hide them if I don't cut on my leg....I'd have to explain it at my internship....which I'm planning on doing Friday anyhow....
It'd take away some stress, the urges...Until I needed to do it again.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It's only going to last a short while before I'm cutting again or debating an attempt on my life. I'll probably just keep cutting.....It's the only thing keeping me alive right now.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could write in my journal, and I'm planning on working on a paper in a bit. It won't change the situation I'm in....I just want to hurt myself....

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself....I deal with it. I get up and I go. I think that if I don't cut, those feelings are just going to linger with me until I do cut.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Right now, I'd really like to just give into the suicidal thoughts. That's not an option. I don't know if I can make it through the night without cutting.

I have no energy to answer anymore questions. Things are just really tough right now. I think my parents are trying to get used to the fact that I'm not living at home this summer. And my dad is really sick.....I'm wanted at home all the time.

Plus, I'm doing an internship....And it's in the same city my parent's live in and about 45 minutes from my apartment....But I have to work 40 hours a week just to get in all my hours in the 10 weeks of summer school. And on top of the internship, I have to write papers.....And now I have one due on Thursday....That I'm going to attempt to start after I get done with this.

The big thing is right now that I'm feeling like my mother is controling me. I work till 5:30, 6 PM, even later sometimes....I'm up at 7, out my door by 8:10, and at work at 9 AM....Depending when I leave, it's often near 7 or after....I have to be in bed just a few hours later to get enough sleep so I can make it through the next day. I don't have time to do basic things after work like go to the grocery, or do any cleaning....

Oh, but the weekends. Um, no....Those weekends belong to my parents. I just don't see why I don't go home on Friday and leave Monday morning for work. I don't get to sleep in on Saturday....I have to be up at the same time just so I can get a little done before I'm ordered to be home. I don't really get much say in when I come home.....Which leaves me with no time to do things that I need to do for me.

Basically, I am not allowed to take care of myself.

Which is why the thoughts of suicide and cutting are playing such a big role in my head.

And I'm really scared about what's going to happen after my internship is over.....

I'm sorry for the long post.

~*Haven*~

[balletomane]

Hi Haven.

It sounds like a tricky situation? Have you tried explaining to your parents that you really need time to take care of yourself? Perhaps try to work out something where you visit every few weeks instead? Or called home? Is there some arrangement you could work out where you have more time for yourself, but you are still keeping in contact with your parents?

It's only going to last a short while before I'm cutting again or debating an attempt on my life. I'll probably just keep cutting.....It's the only thing keeping me alive right now.

This is concerning to me. Are you in therapy of any sort? Do you have a support system of some sort in place? Friends or mentors whom you can talk to?

The last time you resisted an urge, what did you do to deal with the feelings? How long did the urge last? Can you try some of those things now?

Stay safe.

[(*Haven*)]

If I even tried to talk to my parents about this, it would only make things worse. I go home every weekend, on Saturday usually. I do my laundry at home.

I am in therapy. I don't really have a support system. Any time I try to talk to someone, I get angry at myself and I cut them off and usually end up hurting myself....I won't talk to anyone.

I don't know how to resist urges anymore. I'm too tired to fight them.

I'm sorry....I'm such a waste of time and space. I'll manage.

~*Haven*~

[Smeagol]

Any time I try to talk to someone, I get angry at myself and I cut them off

I can empathise with that.

I'm sorry....I'm such a waste of time and space. I'll manage.

~*Haven*~

No you're not. In fact it sounds like you're achieving a hell of a lot, especially in the face of emotional distress.

I'm sorry I don't have more to offer. Take care.

[moll_drum]

I'm sorry I don't know if this is a welcome comment, please ignore if you don't want to answer.

It sounds like maybe the issues with your family are making you feel like you have no control over your life
I was wondering, if you feel like you can't visit them less often, you could arrange to go later, say get there sat dinner, or leave earlier, kind of wean them off.
Or if there is some other way you can control the situation?
here if you want to chat.

cat

[(*Haven*)]

I usually try to get home around dinner on Saturday....Sunday...depends what's going on. I've made arrangements to go into work Sunday nights (It's a shelter, so it's open 24/7), which means I could either go back home Sunday night, or stay there Sunday night and go back Monday after work to get my cat....Or I could just go get her Tuesday if....Yeah, I'll figure that out later.

I have no control over the situation what-so-ever. If I made arrangements to go home Sunday morning and stay that night, mum would try to guilt trip me into coming home Saturday.

It's all my mother. I'm fine with her being gone for a weekend to go visit her parents (they live in another state...about a 3-4 hour drive), and going home to take care of my dad. I can completely handle the situation.

This is really making me frustrated....

My T is still at work....I can at least call her and tell her what's going on....

[balletomane]

It might be a good idea to talk to you T about this and come up with some strategies for telling your mother no. It's not very healthy for you (and I imagine for her) to feel forced into going home all the time. It sounds like you need to find a a way to get it across to your mother that it's just not possible for you to spend that much time at home.

good luck.

[(*Haven*)]

Thanks.

I called her just after I made that post before I had time to talk myself out of it.

I told her that things were getting out of hand with the family situation, that I need to do something about it....And how worried I was about what would happen after my internship is over if I was feeling so suicidal and so much hate towards myself now.

Asked her to call back if she had time, if not, we'd talk about it Thursday. She's off on Wednesday.

[balletomane]

Good for you. I hope talking to her on Thursday helps.

It sounds like you've been working really hard.

[(*Haven*)]

Thank you.