SI: Self Injury, Self Indulgence

[Ticonderoga]

I've been clean for almost five months, but I'm having some pretty strong urges. My mom and sister in law are talking about our family history (which involves physical and sexual abuse), and I'm torn between staying and going outside.

I mean, I know I'm getting triggury, but... I kind of like it. It brings back those feelings of self indulgence that I experienced when I actually SIed. Like a comfortable hurt. I don't know...

Does anybody know what I mean...?

[squeegle_2419]

umm no but ill say i do for the sake of your post
grack

[black_23]

I think I know what you mean....The way I can relate (if ok to??) They repeated The Line of Beauty on tv the other night, I knew she si'd in it and i still watched it even though i knew i would effect me. But not cos i was being weird cos sometimes seeing it makes it real, makes me less alone, can wrap myself up in it and say yes thats how i feel sometimes. Hope that kinda makes sense?

[Licentia Poetica]

I can understand that.

It's kind of like sometimes I like to looks through photos of my friends who died, or read some of my old place posts, to almost make myself feel bad, but at the same time justify those feelings.

I don't think it's uncommon, just try to keep safe.

[ebmcs]

I think.... that it has to do with safe and familiar. Sometimes when you live a certain way for so long, that feels like normal/baseline. And so even though it is sadder or harder or less healthy than today, there is still some sort of nostalgia to the familiarity. I'm finding that becoming healthier is liberating and terrifying all at once. Because I don't know what to do with the "stability" sometimes, it is "easier" to "regress."