I think the way to deal with self-hate is unfortunately to stop hating yourself so much.
. So, nice quick solution there, eh?
Could you make a list of things you've achieved today? Doesn't have to include big things. But list the things you have done, with things you found hard in big letters. That might help you feel better about yourself. Also, in workshop Mab has a thread called reality check where you have to describe yourself neutrally. Maybe that would also help a bit? It forces you to step back from the feelings and thing about yourself in a more distanced manner.
Wanting your pain to be noticed isn't a bad thing. Do you have any friends who you can talk to and say "It's so bloody hard?". Or even post on main. It is hard, and things do hurt, and there's nothing wrong with needing some means of validating that feeling. It's particularly hard now, when you're feeling better enough that you can contemplate doing stuff but not well enough that doing it isn't a struggle. I've been there and it really is difficult. well done to you for keeping going. But things will get better still.
Do be kind to yourself. Recognise what you're achieving and try (yeah, like that's so easy
) not to beat yourself up about the things you aren't. Not being in the deepest pit fo depression doesn't mean that you're suddenly fine, and you needn't expect that of yourself. You're not a failure for not achieving things you wanted to achieve. And it's not that you "shouldn't be tired". If you're tired, you're tired. that's just the way it is and you need to find a way to make you less tired so that you can at least get some stuff done. E.g., take a nap, take a shower, get your diet a bit better so you have more energy. I know it sucks when your goals for the day include things like "dressing" and "showering". I used to think "God, what have I come to". But at the end of the day, if it's difficult and I manage it then I've done something. Accepting my limitations and doing my best turned out to be my best route to continuing to improve. Yes, I found it frustrating and depressing.
Would small goals help? One of mine was to make it to work regulrarly enough that I could have flowers in the office and I could enjoy them and kepe them alive. Can you reward yourself with a treat for having sat your exams, and a treat for making appointments?
Making jewellery sounds like a really good plan.
Good luck with that.
Take care.
Gwylan
You do have an outlet for your desperation: here on bus, or people like the Samaritans. Well done for posting here. You've just written a very honest post, and you say that it's helped with the urges, so that was a really good move.
i really 'should' be telling myself that its a positive thing that i started.