Identifying current urge *SI, SA*

[Contactor Jed]

This was hard for me to write and contains SA and much about sexuality. Please do not read it if you feel you may want to respond with something judgemental, because I want only encouragement and advice. Thank you.

Just trying to be honest, I don't know what to type. I'm afraid to express anything. Let me back up... I want to cut right now so I am trying to identify why I want to and what it would accomplish/deconstruct to do so. I know why I am triggered. It is because my girlfriend and I messed around touching each other and making out. I think sexuality between us is a wonderful thing as we both respect each other and are very caring of each other. But I just feel so dirty anyway, and very very insecure and very prone to SI. I have trouble trusting people and trouble not snapping back in my mind to all the guilt and shame I felt from my dad molesting me for years. But I don't want to be a victim. I don't want this to be in the way, and since these feelings are in the way, I want to learn how to deal with them. I know that do not want my girlfriend to be a counselor or caregiver (I have a counselor I see weekly), and yet I want this wall that I have to fall down. I feel sick, and I feel like this situation is hopless even though I know it is not. I don't want to turn to SI. I am just in extreme stress. I know I need to trust God and trust my instincts about what I am or am not comfortable with. I want to say I can't help myself, but I know I can. The largest thing that I can identify is that when we are doing these things together, I want her to be happy because we are together and not because of sensation. And I know that is how she feels. So many negative things I want to say, but I want to change. I don't want to be young and helpless again in my mind's eye. My body is aching with the urge to cut. But I can't, I can't; I said to myself I wouldn't. Support? Encouraging advice please?

[balletomane]

I am assuming you've discussed your past with your counselor. Have you come up with some kind of plan for overcoming the feelings of shame and becoming more comfortable with sexuality?

If you are still uncomfortable, perhaps you should talk to your girlfriend about it. Not as though she is a counselor, but more to explain what is going on on your end. Do you think taking things more slowly or even putting a temporary stop to sexual contact in your relationship would help?


In the meantime, what things are you doing to try to deal with the urge? What coping skills have helped you in the past?


I think it is really good that you are working to not use SI right now.

Take care of yourself.

[Contactor Jed]

I am doing superficial things to deal with the urges. Superficial in that they don't directly involve themselves with the urges, not that they don't help at all. These things are washing my car and eating well (I don't want to eat when I am depressed). I also am just telling myself no about SI. I'm most scared of the future. Scared that I will always feel so rotten and insecure. Yes, I've talked with my counselor, and it has helped greatly. I want to have a healthful sexual sied, keyword healthful. But I agree that I should express to my girlfriend that my discomfort. I did do that, and it was hard to do. I think the best thing I could possibly do to cope would be to put my mind on other things. This painful aspect of life isn't the only side of life, and not in any way the most valuable one or anything. I need to remember that I am not just something to be sexually abused, and not strictly sexual. And likewise, being with my girlfriend is not the only part of life that is beautiful. I know we will probably not be together all of our lives, and in a way that is great because we get to share this time presently and learn from what we experience. So it is good to keep perspective about other aspects of life. I need to love life not because of her. It is important to me that I be a complete and loving person in and of myself and not because of someone else in my life who "lives it for me." Thank you for your reply. I'm sure it does good for me to write these things out.

[balletomane]

It sounds as though you have a good sense of yourself and your needs. I know hearing that probably doesn't help much. I think you can make it through this.

[tukabirdy]

Jed, I really commend you for being able to talk here about this. Hopefully one day I won't always think about SA when I have sexual moments and I REALLY hope that for you too. When I saw your post, it made me realize I still don't trust. I'm not sure I ever will...but it no longer eats me up like it used to. tooky