Struggling

[namaste]

Hello

Feelign urgy again. I've been feelign good for a while now (the last drugs increase at Christmas has helped a lot) but it's been creeping up at me again. I've been holding out and not doing anything but it's still there.


How will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I'm not sure what the situation is that is manking me want to si. Thre are a few things it could be:
1) I've been wokring towards an MA and the work is all but voer now and I suddenly have some life back and I'm not sure hat to do with it/I can't hide behind it any more as a way of not doing social things and I'm scared
2) I'm really really busy with work at the moment writing reports and markign tests but I'm worried that I will crash again once it's all aver (this is a pattern I've had before).
3) I really want to tell someone IRL about my si - I feel like it is a guilty, dark secret that I am hiding and that peopl e won' tlike me if they know about it. I feel like I am one person in public and a copmletely different one in private and that they don't know me and wouldn't liek me if they did.
4) I've made some mistakes and I need to punish myself
5) My doctor asked me if I was si-ing at th emometn and I said no and he put hat on hte screen but it left me feelign invalidated - liek if I'm not si=ing then no-one blieves that everythign is still jumbled up. If I'm not ill then I'm not anything. It's my identitiy.

How would any of htese situations cbe changed if I did si?
1) ?
2) It woudl make my fear of crashing true
3) I woudl have something to talk about
4) I woudl attone for my mistakes
5) It woudl validate me and my feelings
(that's a really difficult sentence to write).


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't htink I will ever feel right. I've given up that hope after my talk with my pscyh last summer. As far as I am aware I'm on a slippery slope to nothing with ever increasing meds and the threat of ECT hanging over my head. So I'm not usre hat I've got to fight for in the long term. In the short term, it means I'd have problems at work (the hcildrne miss nothing) and couldn't wear short sleeves in teh summer heat or swim. I woudl feel guilty and miserable that I slipped and disgusted with myself - hence more si to atone fo rht esi - vicious circle.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I know from expreience that si wil get rid of the voices in my head telling me to do it. The cvoices are getting louder and louder nad more insistent so that even when I am teaching thoughts of si are there and slomost to the fore and I'm on teaching auto pilot. At least I woudl get my head space back again. After that things tend to go quiet for a while. I get my head back. That's what I want.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I'm typing on BUS, I've been watching TV, I'm off ot bed with a book, sleep is wonderful, then tomorrow keep very very veyr busy. Howeve,r if I'm too busy then I'm jsut running away from things.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I'm feelign proud of myself for resisting so far (and I've even got my tool sitting beside me and haven't used it. I'm not sure I can put it away however.). I didn't cut msyelf with the tool at school when one of hte hcildrn roke the pencil sharpener. I will feel bad about myslefl if I do cut but I will get peace.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I need to figure out a way of coping with having a life again.
I'm not sure if I need to talk to someone and if so who that shoudl be.
I need to keep fighting for another day then review the situation.

Jane

[balletomane]

I know from expreience that si wil get rid of the voices in my head telling me to do it. The cvoices are getting louder and louder nad more insistent so that even when I am teaching thoughts of si are there and slomost to the fore and I'm on teaching auto pilot

Have you talked to your pdoc about this? How about the last time you made it through an urge? How did you cope with this feeling?

I'm feelign proud of myself for resisting so far (and I've even got my tool sitting beside me and haven't used it. I'm not sure I can put it away however.).

I'm proud of you too. Why don't you think you can put the tool away?

I need to keep fighting for another day then review the situation.

You can do it.


Sorry this wasn't the greatest reponse. I am thinking of you Jane and sending lots of love your way.

[namaste]

Hello

Thank you for the reply.

I've not made it through an urge before so this would be a first. I have talked to my pdoc a bit and he ussually suggests increasing the meds (which I have done suvccessfully but I don't want to do again if I can help it) and CBT techniques which I need to dig out. It's just they take so much energy!! It#s the whole analysis of feelings which, I don't know, makes them less scary but they are still there.

Have put my tool away. Am feelign better about things this morning, although the thoughts are still there. Have a day away from school (PPA - Planning, Preparation and assessment) so the pressure is off a bit. Also, by the end of the day I'm aiming ot have finished marking all the papers and writing all the reports. Hoorah!

I've got to get through until this evening, then review whether I'm going to hurt myself or not or whether to set another deadline of a day. My treat for not hurting is an indian meal - not good for the diet but probably more healthy than cutting or whatever.

Sorry about the typing.

Thanks again b, it's nice to know you are around

Jane

[balletomane]

Hi Jane.

I hope the day away from school helps, both in terms of getting work done and feeling a little less stressed.
I'll be around if you want to talk. Just PM/IM me.

Take care.