after

[shadow of a smile]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yeah i'm good, this happened last night and i cleaned up right after.

what had happened just before?
ummmm....it's hard to remember what immediately came before it. my memory's kind of blurry about this, like it usually is. i think the main thing that had happened was i was talking to a woman on the phone from my church who's writing me a letter of recommendation for a scholarship. the problem is we don't know each other all that well and she was having to ask me questions about things like my spiritual life and my good qualities to write it.

what were you thinking and feeling?
i was upset about saying things like yes i'm responisible, yes i have a good GPA, yes my spiritual life is good, and other "good" things about me. i don't like talking about things like that. and especially the spiritual life part. me and god haven't been too good in a long time, and i felt very hypocritical. but what else could i say? i didn't want to go into details with her.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i had wanted to cut a week ago very badly and ended up only scratching a little bit and flicking a rubber band a lot. i think that it carried over into last night, b/c normally i would not have hurt myself just b/c of what was happening last night. a year ago i would have, but lately no. also, my roommate was gone which is a very rare occurrence so i had ample opportunity.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
my sister has been very very sick the past 2 months and was hospitalized last week. she's out now but is not doing any better and i feel so helpless. i miss my bf a lot and we'll be doing the long distance thing for a couple years more. i'll see him this weekend but once a month or so just isn't enough for me, and i can't do anything about it either. i'm going to grad school in the fall and i'm scared that i won't be able to handle it, that it will lead me to start cutting again and i'll have a major backslide. ironic how being scared i'll start cutting again in the future gives me urges to cut right now huh? also, it had been 9 months and 1 week since i'd last cut. i was so scared that if i didn't cut soon, soon a whole year would have passed. and after that year, if i cut again i would feel so much more like a failure than i would if i broke it at only 9 months. i know, an awful reason. but a reason that seemed logical to me at the time.

i sat there on my bed with my X in my hand, contemplating it. i knew i didn't have a good enough reason to hurt myself (not that any reason is "good enough" i guess but last night definitely wasn't). i wasn't even sure at the time why i was so down. i think now that it's b/c i was feeling out of control, and i thought cutting would help me regain it. it didn't, but i wanted it to.

(i will come back and answer the rest later, i have go to class now.)



were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?


are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.



About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.



What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?


Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?


What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?


If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?


What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?


If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

[balletomane]

Hi Emily.

I've read. I know that talking about one's accomplishments/personal matters (like spirituality) can be extremely stressful.

You mentioned that part of your cutting this time was having an opportunity. Is it possible for you to ruin those opportunities when you know you are feeling stressed? For example, invite someone over or go to the library or a cafe until the urge is less intense?

Sorry I haven't got any great advice.

Take care.

[Smeagol]

Hi

I read. I can empathise about panicking about cutting in the future. After graduation all my friends left and I started work. I was terrified I'd start cutting again with my support network gone. But I didn't. I was more able to cope by that time, and when my annual winter depression started I'd had a chance to build a new support network. So although it's scary, change of situation and all the pressures that brings don't necessarily mean you'll go back into the old ways.


That said, I'm panicking about starting a masters in October already.

As another thought, you know now that cutting won't help regain control, whereas maybe it used to, so maybe in future you might find it easier not to cut?

I can also empathise with difficulties over saying what you're good at. Random idea, would it help to distance yourself and i magine you're describing someone else? Or just stick to the objective facts. E.g. don't say "I am a good leader", just "I have led my church group since time y". To the listener that implies leadership, but you don't have to own it, ifyou get what I mean.

Finally, a suggestion: when you're feeling out of control, would it help to make a list of things you can control? Like your choice of subject, your choice of gradschool, your choice of study methods/times. Hell, include your choice of clothes if you want? Alternatively, could you assert control over your environment instead, e.g. by cleaning or rearranging? Maybe that would help remind you that though there are some things you can't change, you aren't totally powerless in your life.

Maybe also remind yourself of exactly how many things you are choosing to do. It may feel like you have to go to school today or you have to stay here or have to have to have to, but actually you don't. You could not do that. When you do it you're making a choice that you prefer the consequences of doing it to not doing it. Now it's true that there are some things you can't control, lik,e your sisters health, but would it help to think of how many things you are making choices about? I often feel trapped, and that kind of thing sometimes helps me feel less trapped. I may not like the consequences of my choice (school means homework, and stress), but at least I know it's my choice and I could quit if I wanted.

Sorry, that may be random unhelpful crap.

Take care

[shadow of a smile]

awesome responses guys, and what rapidity! i'm very impressed. you both had great points that i'll try to incorporate into the rest of the questions i have left to answer, and i'll hit more of what you guys said at the end if the questions didn't cover them. here goes....

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
yes, i think there was an outside factor but i'm not sure to what extent it impacted my slip. i just started birth control 2 months ago and i have my period this week. i think my hormones are still trying to figure themselves out, plus PMS always gets to me, with or without BC. i want to be a weenie and attribute the whole slip to hormones but i know that is not helpful in trying to figure this all out. however, in the future i need to really keep in mind that things may not really be the way it feels like they are during this "special time of the month". my perspective is skewed and even tho i may be feeling like poo emotionally i need to make an effort to shrug it off and say "meh, hormones". that's something i usually try to do, but it just didn't happen last night.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
honestly i didn't try last night. all i did was call one of my friends to see if she wanted to go to the store with me. she didn't need anything so she said no, and so i didn't go. not only did i not try anything after that, i deliberately avoided anything that might have stopped me. i didn't ask a different friend to go work out with me like we'd planned. i even thought "i really should go answer the before questions" but i knew that if i did then i'd end up deciding that i didn't have any real reasons to SI and i'd just try to distract myself the rest of the night. that's the kicker from this slip. i didn't just cut, i thought about it, decided not to even try to find a way to resist, and made the conscious decision to cut, regardless of the consequences i knew would come.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have gone to work out with my friend, gone to the store by myself, cross stitched, put pictures in order, done homework, answered the before questions, written in my journal....all these things i thought about doing but decided against.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i don't think remembering them will be a problem, i think follow thru will.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
the letter of recommendation part is over, i hope. the rest is either stuff i can't control (like my sister being sick) or stuff i go thru off and on (being all around just sick of being around other people-something i forgot to mention earlier)

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
with the letter part, i'll probably be in a similar situation but i'll try to take smeagol's great advice about how to handle it. (thanks!!!) my sister being sick-yes, she has a chronic illness that goes into remission and flares up again so even when she gets better this time (soon i hope) she'll get worse again eventually. instead of sitting on my butt being sad that i can't fix her, i need to send her a card or call her or something, to at least let her know that she's on my mind. maybe it will cheer her up even if it doesn't make her any better. that is one thing that i CAN control about her situation.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will fill out the before questions
i will leave my room
i will take a shower (not that i don't normally take showers, i just find that they help me calm down sometimes. really, i promise i shower. every day. )



About Opportunities to SI


What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
my roomies is ALWAYS in my room and it drives me crazy. for once she was gone. and not only did i have the room all to myself so i had plenty of opportunity, but i felt like i'd be wasting my time in the room alone if i left to go distract myself. i hate it that she's here all the time but sometimes i just can't handle being alone. it's a no win situation i guess...i don't want to be around anyone but i don't want to be by myself.

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
opportunity was there, i just didn't try to avoid it at all


What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i would have gotten sick of being in the room with my roomie and gone to go work out with my friend. then i would have come back to take a shower, and maybe even been productive since exercise tends to get me motivated to accomplish things, at least sometimes.


If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
my urges would have decreased b/c i would have had no choice but to find somethine else to do. it sucks when my roomie's here and i'm urging really badly, but in the long run they eventually go away.


What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
being alone

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
it's frustrating, but it can also make me feel safer at times.




alright, b i think i answered your question about opportunity. you were right on, thanks for that.

smeagol- sorry you're stressed out about getting a masters too! but at least i know i'm not alone. i hope that like you i'll be able to cope well. i think i'll be okay, but i just like to freak out about stuff that may not even happen i guess.

As another thought, you know now that cutting won't help regain control, whereas maybe it used to, so maybe in future you might find it easier not to cut?
i'm really hoping that's true. it just wasn't helping last night, i was too worried about my bf's reaction and that now that i broke my 9 months i may not be able to go long without cutting again. but last july, the last couple times i cut, it wasn't helping either. and i think that knowing that it doesn't do the trick so much anymore made not cutting between july and last night easier. so i'm hoping that since i reinforced that cutting does not equal relief or control anymore maybe i'll be able to kick it again, for longer.

your list of things i can control suggestion is very good too. i think i did something like that once, and it was good. i'd forgotten tho. i need to try it again. also changing things around me is good too....no wonder cleaning makes me feel better sometimes...i'd never picked up on that.



thank you so much both of you, you were very very helpful. and it's great to get responses so quick, it makes me feel good!

[balletomane]

Hi Emily.

It sounds like you have a really good sense of what you need and what went wrong this time.

You have a lot of good ideas/insights here.