Intimate with my cutting

[flyingwithstars]

When I cut I feel intimate and joined with my "tool". It's like we've both been binded together. Is this crazy? Or do any of you other SI's experience this feeling as well? I also like to see my blood...It makes me feel alive...and other times I try to keep my blood from pouring out by wrapping and caring for it. It's strange how sometimes I want to be drained of my sin when I cut, and other times I want to keep it in and never let go, clotting my pain and suffocating it within my flesh. It's an extremely intimate feeling, and I wanted to know if anyone has any comments for that...

Please feel free to e-mail me at sleepyhead@stny.rr.com
I really need someone to talk to who knows how it feels...you know...

[pandora]

I don't think it's crazy. Maybe it's about feeling more in connection with your emotions and more in control ? . I don't know, but I'm sure it's not all that odd

"sometimes I want to be drained of my sin" You put that really eloquently... I relate to that *ALOT*.

No advice really but I read what you said and it made me think.

[Eccie]

Not crazy at all. I feel exactly the same way sometimes. I keep my tools in a blue bandana and sometimes I even hold it and stroke it. I don't really have much more to say since my feelings pretty much match what you said right on. I feel very in tune with myself and my lines and I often sit and stare for a long time. I never thought of it as "intimate", but that fits really well...
Thanks,
Ec

[Spidey]

i can understand the feeling of intamicy with your tool. i read somewhere where it said that self-injury is probably the most self-gratifying and the best relationship you'll ever have in your life (because it never complains, says stupid things, etc). the truth though is that it is wrong - while it may help you in the short term in the long term it can get you into trouble and it is by far the *worst* relationship you can have in your life (next to abusive partners).

my question to you is why do you have such an intimate relationship with your tool? what does your tool do for you that a healthy relationship with a person (or yourself) could/cannot? what need is this intimacy giving to you?

[falling...]

and other times I try to keep my blood ... ing for it for some people SIing can be like caring foryourself, some what ritualistic.. like no one else is caring for you... so you care for yourself, kinda, if that makes sense?
_________________
failed banks

[flyingwithstars]

it's so crazy, because what you guys are saying is so dead on it's freaky. I didn't realize how many other people are out there you do what I do and feel some of the same things I do. One of you asked, what makes it so intimate when I'm bonded with my tool, I guess I'd have to say that I have a hard time opening up to other people and adjusting to them, especially my mother, I love her bunches, but she's not the type of person to give me hugs and tell me she loves me. She never babied me, or "cooed" me. I guess I kinda wanted that, so when I bond with my tool I get that gentle assurance I wish I could get from my mother. It goes really deep, and there's plenty of other reasons I feel intimate with my tool, but lately I've been trying to anylize my thoughts and feelings, and this is just one of the outcomes I found.

[badgirl22]

I think the intimicy with a tool can bring safety in an odd way to me. Just knowing that I can use it anytime, that it is always there and will never give me problems about me or what I need to be better or what I need to do to be a better person..none of that crap. I think knowing that your tool is always there gives some form atleast for me of confort. It helps me cope with difficult situations that I know I couldn't cope with otherwise, and seeing the blood come out, it just helps to know that what I am experienceing is real and can go away like blood can dry up.
-Badgirl22