An After

[NobodyToYou]

*have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes. They are fine.

*what had happened just before?
Nothing really happened. I had tried sleeping. I posted on BUS. I realized my sister would be home soon and that I might not have the opportunity for a while.

*what were you thinking and feeling?
I just wanted a break. I wanted to feel better. So tired of being depressed.

*why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
Sister was coming home and I would not have the opportunity. I think I was also pretty disappointed that the things I have been trying to do to make the depression less intense (like take a day off work and sleep a lot) haven't worked. It doesn't seem to have made much difference in the depression, although I am probably a bit less anxious....

*how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I don't know that there was really a final straw. I could have lasted longer, but I didn't want to. It was just too difficult and I lost my determination. I don't know when or how that happened, but when the moment of decision came, I chose SI.

*were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
No. I wish there had been, cause then I would have something practical to work on. As it is, I don't know what to do to change things.

*what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Sleeping, playing computer games, eating, taking a walk, posting on BUS. Nothing gave any relief from the depression. In fact, trying to sleep seemed to make it worse...more thoughts of suicide.

*in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I have no idea what could have helped.

*name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Haven't come up with anything yet.

*how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Situation is not resolved because I am still depressed. However, I am doing a bit better right now, probably because of the SI. I don't really have any steps toward resolution. I don't know what to do to change the depression, other than SI. All the things I have used before and the things I have done with others aren't working.

*are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Quite likely. Will feel everything is hopeless and pointless.

*what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I don't know. I honestly have no idea what to do. Have tried reframing. Tried distraction. Tried being mindful. Tried thinking of more cheerful things or doing "fun" things. Tried going outside. Tried everything I could think of, and none of it worked.
Probably the only thing I can do is try to wait it out a little longer. I can live with being depressed. I have before, I can do it again. So just need to remind myself that the feelings won't kill me, even if they are quite painful.

[Proximity]

I just wanted a break. I wanted to feel better. So tired of being depressed.

Did it give you the break you wanted?

I know this is a couple days late, but maybe that question is more worth answering now than it would have been more immediately afterwards.

I remember being so tired of feeling how I felt that I would do almost anything to change that.
Is there a way to see life as a progress instead of something that's standing still?

prox.
[tales of mystery and madness]

[NobodyToYou]

To be honest, yes it did give me a break. I felt better for a few hours. Hard to stop SIing when it works.
Looking back, I still don't know what else I could have tried, other than just putting up with the depression longer. It hasn't changed...got a break from it, but life is back to normal now.
As for a way to see life as moving forward rather than standing still...yes and no. I can see some things changing. For example, I SI a lot less than I did last year about this time. But other things are not changing...still depressed. Still SIing. Still not doing well on interpersonal relationships. Still struggling with stress and too many demands. It seems more stays the same than changes...on the other hand, I could just be thinking that because I am depressed.
I don't know. Still quite confused and unsure about how to handle it when the depression goes on and on...
Looking in to finding a T. Hopefully if I can find one, he or she can actually help me move forward again, rather than just treading water trying to keep from drowning.