After a bad Friday night

[kickingmyself]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
all taken care of.

what had happened just before?
I had just made myself throw up after eating more than usual - only the second time I've ever done this, and the first time was a week ago. Was watching 'Secretary' too (main character does SH for those who don't know it).

what were you thinking and feeling?
I had woken up really low that morning and had been fighting urges all day - successfully - but then I got past the point of being depressed and was almost euphoric about the thought of SH.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I was home alone - opportunity.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
My decision-making is always a bit impulsive, maybe I could have made a different decision if I had been in a different frame of mind.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I broke my Number 1 rule, not to SH under the influence of alcohol. I wasnt drunk, I'd just had some wine, but I think it was enough to impair my thought processes. It impaired my judgement too - I had to go to A&E after, which was really hard for me. The only other time I've ever been was after an attempted SU, and the patronising nurse made me feel so stupid and childish. This time the staff were brilliant though.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
That morning in uni I went and bought a pad of paper and some colouring pencils, and throughout the day I did a bit of colouring to try and focus a bit and distract myself. Worked really well, though everyone in my class thinks I'm a bit loopy now! When I got home I had a bubble bath and some wine, and that chilled me out and I felt ok, wasn't low anymore. But I still wanted to SH.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
If it had been any other day I think I had got to the point where I would have phoned a friend (never done this, no-one but you lot on BUS knows about my SH), but it was St Patrick's day so they were all out drinking, off their faces, and it was two of my closest friend's birthdays so that wouldn't have been fair to them. If I hadn't been drinking I could have gone for a drive, which might have helped.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
In the cold light of day I've realised I can't talk to my friends about it. Not fair on them, wouldn't want them to feel responsible or worried. I think the main message is "don't drink and SH" - I could've gone for a drive if I hadn't had that wine.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Not at all resolved. But quietly sat in the background rather than screaming at the front of my mind. In A&E I saw a liaison nurse for the mental health services and she told me to go to my university counselling service. I'm not sure about this though, whether they would be able to help with something like SH or if they usually only deal with exam pressure etc.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
It screams at me when I'm in that place, I don't need any help recognising it!

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
If I've been drinking and can't drive, then I suppose I could go for a walk. I could come onto BUS. I could put on my bellydancing DVD.

Well, now I feel really guilty about bothering the staff at A&E because they said I didn't need stitches. I could have easily taken care of it all at home. They were really lovely, though they did ask a lot of questions that I didn't want to or couldn't answer. Made me realise though that I don't SH out of feeling low half the time, it's more about venting emotion.

[mallie]

[Sorry this is a little late. I hope it is still helpful]

I had just made myself throw up after eating more than usual - only the second time I've ever done this, and the first time was a week ago. Was watching 'Secretary' too (main character does SH for those who don't know it).

Do you think making yourself throw up contributed to why you wanted to SI? Or was that more of a substitute for SI? I'm a bit confused because it sounds like the urges had been there for most of the day before this...

Does that movie make you want to SI more if you're already having urges? Would it be better to not watch that sort of thing if you're feeling low? Similarly with the alcohol, do you think that it made you less able to resist the urges you felt ?

Made me realise though that I don't SH out of feeling low half the time, it's more about venting emotion.

What emotions do you think you were venting this time? Do you think that you could do something else to deal with these when or preferably before it gets to the point you want to SI?

Have you asked at the uni counselling service yet? Do you intend to find out if they can help you?

[kickingmyself]

Thanks for your reply Mallie - you raised some good questions, and I am having a good think about the answers.

Cheers x