before

[Mistress]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
This... felling of pressure will go away. For some considerable time, at least. Three days to three weeks... eventually it will be back, but I will have had a break.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will let everyone know I hurt. It'll let *him* know I hurt. It will stop me feeling so helpless, because I will have done *something*. However poor a choice it is, making any choice is better than doing nothing. It will bring guilt, anger and shame, and difficulty at work where my uniform is short sleeved.

It will take away the time I have, unconsciously, without thinking, spent without self injuring - some considerable two months or so, I think. I wasn't counting. It will take away this raging anxiety, take away this anger for a while. It will take away my faith that I have complete command of myself if nothing else. It will, paradoxically, give me control for a short while before ripping it away again.

It won't take away the reasons I feel this way. There's the court case, the thought of testifying, the fact that it's been postponed again, the problems it's causing because I keep having to have time off work and uni, the physical consequences of two years of extreme and constant stress.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
Even as I answer this, I know I'm being short-sighted. But all I want is not to feel. TO be the strong, perfect automaton in the face of disaster - to give everyone I love and care for something solid to cling to, which we all so desperately need.

In the long run, I'd like to be back on an even keel. I have no ambitions towards happiness anymore. I learned a long time ago that any balance i achieve in my life precipitates external catastrophes to destroy me again. Every time. I sound paranoid and hyperbolic, I know but external facts - independently verified facts - back me up on this one. My life is a long trail of catastrophes, each happening in the wake of finding my balance from the last. And they come in threes. I am dreading the arrival of the third of this series.
In the long run, I'd like to be independent, stable, and functioning to whatever degree that may prove possible. This includes not self harming, but the dilemma right now is that without self harm, the probability of suicide increases drastically, in which case there will be no later to think about or hope for.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The usual tenure of the relief I feel from self-injury is somewhere between a day and several weeks. After that? I will be back to the beginning, slowly building up the pressure to the point of explosion, which is where I am right now. Then I will have this same conversation with myself, sit here and look at my meds, sit here and look at my blades, debate the proper course of actions, answer these questions again. I may or may not self-injure; I may or may not suicide. It doesn't seem to matter right now except as another step in the repeating cycle that is my life.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation I'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could draw. No desk, no patience, no creativity when I'm this restless.
I could sew. Scissors not good.
I could play a PC game. I'm stuck on the one I'm on right now and i hate starting another halfway through.
I could just... go out in the rain and wait for myself to dissolve. I love rain, and being outdoors at night, but the compound where I live is all paved and concrete and halogen lights, and there's a reason I live behind big walls and big gates. It's not safe out there. Going out and getting myself attacked is not what I'd class a healthy alternative.
I could post on the play-by forum RPG I'm running. But I need to wait for another two of the players to reply before I do that.
I could create some maps, but where the party goes next depends on what the players reply.
I could fold my laundry, like i was supposed to do two days ago, but there's no appeal at all to that.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I do the other things... I'll still want to self-injure tomorrow. The reasons, the stressors, will still be there. If I do the other stuff... I'll be tired and cranky, but at least the things that need done will be done, so I won't have to put energy into ignoring them.

If I self-injure - I'll probably spend most of tomorrow in my PJs and his dressing gown, feeling unreal and invisible. Feeling small and quiet and not-really-here, watching myself walk around like the ghost I wish I was.
The pressure will be gone for a few days or so. Then I'll be here, exactly *here* again.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Sad as it is as twenty one years old, I want to crawl into my mother's lap and cry. Mom, please don't let this happen. Make it better.
I want someone to make this not be happening. To tell me it will be OK and mean it. TO notice and acknowledge that I hurt so badly, so very badly, for a damn good and valid reason, and to give me some way to make the pain stop, even for a short while.

I've had more of those random freaky moments lately as well, the ones where your brain just *twangs* and goes, "That's it, I've had it. I'm going to blow my damn brains out." Not even really suicidal urges, just moments when your brain slips a gear into an old way of thinking when confronted with something Bad.

<hr>

It's been a couple hours. I tried the sewing and have made a royal mess of my embroidery. I daren't go near the dress I'm making, because the next bit involves a scalpel.

I drew. It looks like crap. I wanted to smash things.

I just don't care enough to tidy, but I made a logo for my new website. It's totally inappropriate for a site that's supposed to be a professional showcase and online CV.

I'm fucked. The sole other options involve hard drugs, which I can't afford, and alcohol, which will leave me *still* feeling like this in the morning, simply with the addition of a horrendous hangover.

I can't think of anything else.

[plantt]

It will let everyone know I hurt. It'll let *him* know I hurt.
--how else could you let people know that? si might work to get attention & validation.... it's not the only way to do that though.

It will stop me feeling so helpless, because I will have done *something*.
--like you pointed out in your post there are other things that you could do...

However poor a choice it is, making any choice is better than doing nothing.
--so why not make the choice to keep yourself from harming yourself? what makes choosing to si seem like a choice when not-si'ing might not?

regardless of how they may feel urges really don't last forever.

[Mistress]

I've got this far without self-injuring, but I just.. feel the same.

I could just tell people, but I know already what the response will be - a number of variations on the themes of "chin up, jog on", "snap out of it", "get over yourself" and "ffs,stfu".

No-one ever believes me when I tell them. He would, but that just makes him feel guilty, and he still won't have the spine neccessary to sort this out. I can't force him to stand up for himself and I cannot do it for him, but in the meantime he's wrecking my life as well as his own. Ack, what a mess.

I think, for me, the difference between self-injury and doing the other things I mentioned is that I *know* self-injury will help, for however limited a period of time. Nothing else I've tried so far is doing.

However poor a choice it is, making any choice is better than doing nothing.
--so why not make the choice to keep yourself from harming yourself? what makes choosing to si seem like a choice when not-si'ing might not?

I have no idea why I don't look at this in that way. I can't see not self-injuring as a choice, because it's something I'm *not* doing. I'm not taking action to resolve this, I'm just ignoring an option i have open to me to reduce the problem, even as a temporary solution.

y'know, as skewed as I know that it, it makes sense to me.

going to go and do coursework and cook lunch. it's something else to do.

Thankyou for reply, plantt.

[plantt]

a number of variations on the themes of "chin up, jog on", "snap out of it", "get over yourself" and "ffs,stfu".
--what about mentioning beforehand 'please don't tell me "chin up..." i'm hurting & am wanting heard. i know it's not the end of the world... i'm working through things... i do want heard though. let me hurt. tell me that it's ok that i'm feeling badly.'

I *know* self-injury will help, for however limited a period of time. Nothing else I've tried so far is doing.
--*nods* si "works" short-term. instantly. which is part of the appeal. long-term though it doesn't. it keeps you stuck. you don't learn alternative ways to get through. it's true that healthier options don't instantly make things better. they will work to stop the vicious cycle of si.

I'm not taking action to resolve this, I'm just ignoring an option i have open to me to reduce the problem, even as a temporary solution.
--not acting is action. as you know it takes a Lot more effort to not si than it does to si.
what about adding in other actions... list out things done other than si... so it'll seem like there is more action?

good luck with coursework