before

[pandablue]

opportunity strikes

i wont for Jag but it is so tempting

i am alone

i want a hot bath i'm so edgy but i think it would be to tempting for me in this state

i know if i did i would be filled with guilt and shame so it would not accomplish anything at all

i wish i was in the place that it is not even an option i think i'm getting there

at least i'm here before this time


i freaking miss my friend

sorry Jag

[plantt]

i wont for Jag but it is so tempting
--i'm not sure what you mean by that.... could you rephrase that please?

is there some way you could make a bath less tempting?

what about soaking your feet or something that might be relaxing yet isn't a full bath?

if i'm understanding correctly you're feeling both edgy & lonely... is that accurate? of those emotions which is stronger atm?

what are some ways you could deal with those emotions.... some ways maybe you've dealt with them in the past (besides si)?

hang in there =)

[pandablue]

thanks Plantt

the last time i did SI was the day my friend died

I didn't know at the time she was gone I was stressing on going to see her or not she was at the end stages of cancer. Anyway I told myself I would not do it again kinda for her she fought the disease so hard and i just felt so ashamed to be doing this when she was fighting for her life.

her funeral was yesterday i'm sure that is why i'm feeling so bad.

i'm thinking it was a silly thing to do to say i wouldn't do this for her...
i truly don't want to do it for so many other reasons too and saying it's for her seems to just add more pressure...I think

i'm not really feeling lonely i have my famiy they are al just out for a few hours so without them around it is tempting to si no one around to catch me...
the feeling is starting to pass though so a bath does sound more safe now


thanks for helping me sort and think things through

[plantt]

*nods* so long as you have other reasons to not si... maybe just notice that...

you're going through what you're going through. she went through what she went through.
we all have things to work through. life is tough.

i dunno that i'd call it a 'silly' thing. seeing others suffer & hurt sometimes can help pull us outside of ourselves & get a realization that we're not the only ones hurting.
it does sound though like adding that in as a reason... & putting more pressure on yourself... esp on top of the hurt you're going through... might be a bit much.

it's ok to *not* hold that as a reason. we all have reasons that work for us & reasons that don't so much.

[pandablue]

Thank you so much Plantt