Losing something you can't replace

[anna-lynne]

I haven't been around for a long time. I've actually been a member of Bus before, but closed my account for personal reasons. I really thought I wouldn't have to come back here. I have everything going for me at this point in my life, but I have a deep sadness inside me that I haven't yet acknowledged. I lost something that I can't replace, and I have never allowed myself to deal with the pain. I just simply picked myself up and started a whole new life.

After many years of struggling and battling addictions, I've finally made something of myself. I have my dream job; I'm finally important in my company, where what I do really makes a difference. I'm a member of WeAct (Women Executives Accelerating Change Today) and have just been elected as chairman of a committee where I work with some of the most influential and powerful women in my city. I'm getting ready to sign the papers to buy my first house. My friends are amazing and would do anything for me. I've got a great boyfriend who knows everything about me, especially my past issues with SI, ED, alcohol, and drugs. He's not perfect, neither am I, but when it comes to the things that matter, he's incredible. He's not only understanding and supportive of me, but he encourages me to be open with him about things I don't normally talk about. And lately, as the pain of this loss has been creeping closer to the surface, I'm becoming more distant with him. I'm amazed at how patient he is with me; I've tried so many times to push him away. But he doesn't go. And I know lately he's heard me crying myself to sleep. He doesn't get frustrated or upset with me, or ask questions I don't want to answer. He just holds me, and wipes my tears away. He knows why....but he doesn't know how to help me.

I know I need to deal with this loss. It's been months, almost a year, and I have continuously suppressed any feelings associated with it and forced every thought out of my head. But I can't hide from them forever. I know that. But I'm afraid that if I let myself think about what happened, and allow myself to mourn and feel the sadness, I will lose everything that's great in my life. I'm afraid that I will fall too far, sink too deep. I'm afraid of SIing again, and relapsing in all my recoveries. I don't know how to deal with this and stay healthy.

I guess I'm here because I'm looking for understanding....and advice if anyone has thoughts or suggestions. But mostly I'm here because I need to get this off my chest, to make it real by writing it out.

[pandora]

I'm glad you were able to write this out, sometimes that alone can lift a huge burden.
I don't know if this is the "right" answer or not but it sounds like you need an opportunity to explore this further in some sort of "safe"environment. Maybe a councellor ?, therapist ? or someone similar who can handle the weight of what you need to talk about and guide you in healthy ways with dealing with not only the issue that is concerning you the most but also the fears about everything sliding away if you look a the pain too closely.
It seems - well in my life anyway, that things that are left undelt with seem to fester and re-occur again and again until I end up dealing with them eventually anyway (maybe see it as making it easier on yourself by dealing with it now-though it may be very difficult)
I'm sorry things are difficult for you, but I hear a lot of strength in your post too

Take care of yourself and congratulations on your achievements: it's nice to be able to "make a difference" in life, I commend you !
It sounds like having allready overcome so much in the past you have a good start at being able to move through this too

[disastercake]

Maybe you could try just writing about your feelings, about your sadness, anger about this loss. Try writing to what you lost, and then tear the letter up into little pieces to symbolize finality that you're moving on.

[plantt]

for me it depends on what it is...
honestly i unsure whether i'll ever get to a point where i cry & 'normally' go through grieving. part of me thinks that most likely i will. another part of me wonders if i'm not a person who will naturally do so.
a *lot* of what i've lost has been due to my own actions. a *lot* hasn't been.
realizing what place i was in in my own life... & that maybe it hadn't been possible/i hadn't known how... to behave any other way... helps sometimes.
& finding other things in life to fill that space. not that it's always possible to replace things... i do think though that there's always(or nearly so) something that can help.
i've lost many years of my life. family members. friends. an unscarred body physical & not. the normality of not having stigmatizing dx's. the ability to not wonder about how/when things will go if med records are found/if people find out. pets.
some things i've simply never had. strong relationships(unless maybe we count current therapist). being loved for being me. being valued for being me. having close friends. etc.
how i deal with each of those varies. due to what it is... how capable i feel of dealing with it at the time... etc.

i do think though & have found through my own experience... that as painful & intense as emotions can be... a lot more harm is caused (both to ourself & those around us) from *not* going through them.