After SI

[black_23]

What had happened just before?

My b/friend had left me alone for the day, after not talking to me all last night, don't know why. My friend moved away and never got chance to tell her how much I care. Had to do a pregnancy test (negative).


What were you thinking and feeling?

That I wanted everything to go away, wanted to understand why b/friend gone cold on me. Felt stupid, angry confused, alone. Felt like i wanted to disappear, but too invisible to be able to escpae anywhere.


Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I got through yesterday, I guess almost on the basis that I knew Id be alone today, so if things to too much I could do something to cope. Just been shut out too many times.


How did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I guess I could have spoken to my b/friend about how feeling. Should have never given myself till today to cope. Scared of not allowing a feeling in case all gets to much.


Were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

Lack of sleep was probably the only one. Spent most of last night on sofa not knowing what to do.


What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

Went for a walk, had a shower, tried to make myself feel good i guess, but was too focused on getting stuff to do it with. Tried to log on here but stupid comp wouldnt work.


In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Talking, writing but feel too numb to find the words. Drawing on my arm in red pen used to work at times.


Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Just remain rational would help\me remember.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

Everyone acting like nothing happen, no one knows i si yet. I should really bin the stuff I bought, but too frightened to do so.


Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

Probably, until things get sorted here, just too sad and don't know what to do to change things. I relise when i feel numb and su thoughts start throwing themselves at my head.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

Talking,
Writing
Ringing my friend.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?

Knew I was going to be alone for a while so i could do it and sort myself out without anyone knowing.

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?

Mixture of both, the opportunity for being alone was there, and the fact I could go out on my own.

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?

Probably SI, if i ignore it for too long, feeling gets too strong and I'll either drink and then do. tried to set myself a rule of not si-ing when had alcohol, don't always work though.

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?

Poss increased. Supposed to be hearing back from another interview this week, and cna't deal with being turned down again.

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?

Being alone, unafriad of the conscences or who will find out. New tools was also part of it today.

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

Trapped, very frightened, poss su, its creeping back again.

Any ideas of coping next time would be mcuh appreciated. Had stopped for ages, and now its creaping its way back into my life again. So numb, sorry this sounds so stupid.