Before the fact

[Stellaria]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
The immediate trigger was reading an article series this morning on how hard it is for persons who have been off sick for a long time (which is the situation I'm in) to get any assistance with rehabilitation towards going back to work. It brought up feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and made me worry even more about the future.

There's more stuff behind it though, because I was feeling terribly on edge already last night... Had been to therapy earlier in the day and while I started to discuss my worries about the future, I ended up touching on issues related to my family when I grew up. It often upsets me to talk about my childhood, there are emotions I can't account for. I become angry or afraid or feel guilty and don't know why because I don't remember the storyline. If I could simply avoid talking about it, I would, but it somehow seems to pop up now and then.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
So many times... I have done various things from writing down my thoughts to simple distractions like tv to crying to hurt myself.

Last night I asked my boyfriend to hug me but I was still too restless, then I had two shots of brandy and a pile of ice cream, which made my body seem more calm. I felt guilty for using alcohol and food to cope, but that was overshadowed by the fact that I felt better. Then I watched tv until I fell asleep.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Focused on writing a nice email to someone who will probably appreciate it. Watched sports on tv. Did some laundry. Slept.

I can do the dishes, there's a mountain of them right now. Have a hot shower. Go to the gym, though I really don't feel like it. Just stay in bed and do nothing, wait for feelings to pass.


How do I feel right now?
A knot in my stomach. Afraid.
Can't stop thinking that I have such a good opportunity to hurt myself now that I'm at home alone.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Numb. God how I long to be numb.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Probably regretful. I know hurting myself isn't taking me anywhere.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Right now I don't see that I can avoid it, neither the very real worries about the future, nor the possibility of being at times remembered of my past. I have no bright ideas right now of how to deal better.


Do I need to hurt myself?
No. Do I want to? Yes. But will try the 15 minutes game.

[Stellaria]

Haven't given in yet, but still having strong urges.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will become numb for a little while, and maybe stop this floating feeling of fear.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring chaos disguised as control... I will need to take care of the physical aspects. It will make my b/f worried. It will bring feelings of disappointment in myself, or of being strong, probably both.

It will take away the pressure of trying to get better as it would give me an excuse to think of myself as a total failure.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I find it very hard to look at things in a longer perspective without adding a huge amount of fear and believing that disaster will strike, so it's difficult for me to imagine feeling any different... The only thing I can honestly desire is to get away from it all.

Hurting myself isn't going to make the discomfort go away for very long, that much I can see.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Relief for a few hours maybe. Even days if I do enough. Then what? Back to struggling.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I feel so tired and out of inspiration. I guess I can watch figure skating on tv until I fall asleep, and hope to feel better in the morning.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I don't know.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I suppose I should get some sleep before making rash decisions.

[Stellaria]

Yesterday was really tough as well. Feeling better this morning, think the worst of it is over for now. Kind of wish I had gotten through in a more elegant manner though... it was actually getting drunk that snapped me out of the bad mood. Not very helpful in the long run.